Author Archive
Dear Therese,
I am getting married in June, and I am having doubts. He’s a good man, and he has a good job, but he has mood swings and sometimes I really don’t like being around him. Sometimes I think I can change him, but, should I have to? Should I leave him, or should I stay? I am so tired of trying to make things work, but I am also so tired of dating.
Janine L., Wyoming
Dear Janine,
I am not going to tell you to go or stay. Only you can make that decision.
From your brief note, I get the impression that you have fallen into the trap of modern dating. These days people are considered “loose” or “easy” if they date more than one person at a time, so they fall into what I call the “serial monogamy” treadmill. They try to make each and every date into a relationship! Wow, has that got to be emotionally devastating!
My mother gave me some very wise advice: Date, date, date, date, date. And with each of them, when it’s time to move on, take just a moment to examine just what you did and did not like about them. She told me that if I did that, I would know when the “right” one came along. And I did! We are about to celebrate our 40th anniversary this Saturday!
So how is this relevant to you? Well, looking back, I can see that I might not have had the words to articulate these things like I do now, but I realize I had examined what “relationship” meant to me. I knew that if there was no joy in it from the beginning, and only work, I was not going to serve me or him. I knew that I required someone who would be on a spiritual journey with me. Even (especially!) that has evolved through the years, but the intent of my relationship was clear to me.
CWG Book 1:
Neale: Okay. So I want to find the tools for a long-term relationship—and you say entering relationships purposefully is one of them.
God: Yes. Be sure you and your mate agree on purpose. If you both agree at a conscious level that the purpose of your relationship is to create an opportunity, not an obligation—an opportunity for growth, for full Self expression, for lifting your lives to their highest potential, for healing every false thought or small idea you ever had about you, and for ultimate reunion with God through the communion of your two souls—if you take that vow instead of the vows you’ve been taking—the relationship has begun on a very good note. It’s gotten off on the right foot. That’s a very good beginning.
Neale: Still, it’s no guarantee of success.
God: If you want guarantees in life, you don’t want life. You want rehearsals for a script that’s already been written. Life by its nature cannot have guarantees, or its whole purpose is thwarted.
And:
“…First, make sure you get into a relationship for the right reasons. (I’m using the word “right” here as a relative term. I mean “right” relative to the larger purpose you hold in your life.
As I have indicated before, most people still enter relationships for the “wrong” reasons – to end loneliness, fill a gap, bring themselves love, or someone to love – and those are some of the better reasons. Others do so to salve their ego, end their depressions, improve their sex life, recover from a previous relationship, or, believe it or not, to relieve boredom.
None of these reasons will work, and unless something dramatic changes along the way, neither will the relationship.”
Janine, in CWG, God also says:
“My most powerful messenger is experience, and even this you ignore. Especially this you ignore.”
My mother taught me to look at my own experience…what is your experience telling you?
I know, I know, a lot of Conversations With God quotes, but they happen to be spot-on when I look back at my relationship! I realized that I had to first “know myself and fill myself” so that I could move outward and fully into a relationship that was about more than just me!
It was, and is, an ongoing process.
I somehow knew many of these things, or had been exampled and taught them without knowing whence they came (mother!?), but you are lucky. If you are here, reading this, you are already choosing to consciously know how to move through life and into a full relationship…first with yourself, and then with another.
Therese
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.ChangingChange.net, which offers spiritual assistance from a team of Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less, and offers insight, suggestions, and companionship during moments of unbidden, unexpected, unwelcome change on the journey of life. She may be contacted at Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
Dear Therese,
A friend and I have been doing things together twice a week for almost ten years. We enjoy our time together and have many things in common, but that’s not the problem. My problem is that I always drive, because she doesn’t, and she has never once offered to pay me for gas. Until recently that wasn’t an issue, because the places we like to go are in her area, but I am on a fixed income and would sure like to keep costs down for me, and there are things much closer to me that I could go to, instead of by her. How do I tell her?
W.H. in Wisconsin
Dear W.H.,
The simple answer, W.H., is tell her exactly what you just told me! You’ve given no indication that she is abusive or unreasonable, which probably means that she has likely fallen into the habit of letting you pay. Is it possible that when this arrangement began you consistently told her it was your pleasure, or no problem, or you liked doing this? Sweetie, if you don’t speak up, you will never know if there really is a problem! It could be that she is very willing to pay and just doesn’t know circumstances have changed for you.
Your predicament is a microcosm of a much larger social problem, of course. We are encouraged to give, but not told why. The “why” is because this life isn’t about us, it is about how our lives touch and improve the lives others (put very simply, of course). What we aren’t really told these days is that all benefits must be mutual. The mutual ultimately boils down to the joy of giving, but being the human beings that we are, it often takes something a little more concrete to demonstrate mutuality. For sure it means that one person can not take advantage of another. When generosity is abused, the energy of the relationship changes, and we feel it.
Then comes the next predicament. We are also told that we have to be nice. We are encouraged to avoid conflict. We are fearful that other people won’t like us. None of these things are necessarily wrong, until they stop us from being true to ourselves. When we stop being true to ourselves, W.H., we also stop giving from our joy, and our giving becomes tainted.
When our giving no longer comes from our joy, as is demonstrated in your case, it affects relationships. Your friend, W.H., has no way of knowing that something has changed unless you tell her. Chances are she suspects, by your behavior, or some subtle changes in you, but she can not really know until you tell her your truth. I suggest you tell her very gently, but directly, that your circumstances have changed. Don’t just stop doing things with her and go to places closer without giving her a chance to give back to you. Who knows, she may have been hiding information from you about her finances or other things, and may wish to talk to you, too. This one thing may actually open up a whole new avenue of communication between the two of you and move you two into a whole new level of mutual benefit.
We just never know where standing in our own truth, even in seemingly simple things, will take us!
Therese
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.ChangingChange.net, which offers spiritual assistance from a team of Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less, and offers insight, suggestions, and companionship during moments of unbidden, unexpected, unwelcome change on the journey of life. She may be contacted at Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
Dear Therese,
I am at the time of my life where I realize I have far fewer years behind me than ahead of me, and I have to admit I am afraid of death. I have always been afraid of death. Even when I was young, and practicing my religion I never thought death was anything except just stopping. I would like to believe something else, but right now I just believe death is forever nothingness, and I think about it a lot.
Nancy in St. Paul
Dear Nancy,
Increasingly there is evidence that there is life after death, due to things like near death experiences, but it is still very contradictory at best. Some think it concrete evidence, some think it evidence of what our bodies do when under certain conditions and stresses. I happen to think it is not strictly chemical.
Getting to the very basics of science, energy can never go away, it can only change form, right? Which means, if nothing else, we will continue on for sure, even if not in the form we are experiencing right now. Not very comforting, though, is it?
I also happen to resonate with things in the CWG world…go figure! In “Home With God, in a life that never ends” Neale Donald Walsch talks with God about death. One of the things that seems most true, given the anecdotal evidence mentioned above, is that what we believe about death is what we will experience after we die. If we believe in hell, or, in your case, nothingness, that is exactly what we will experience…until we decide we have finished this particular human experience all the way to its completion, and are ready to meet up with the All (God, if you will), and choose again. We can choose to do the same life again, or we can choose one of the infinite possibilities that exist called “The Life of Nancy.” Or we could stay with Creator, but that isn’t likely, because the urge to experience what we know would be very alluring.
Part of what I hear you saying, though, Nancy, is that you have a particular attachment to this body, and this mind. What if I were to tell you that it is also suggested in “The Only Thing That Matters,” by Neale, that we change form for a bit, but that we ultimately reunite with this same mind/body/soul that we now are? Our form changes energy, much like snowflake to rain to ice to vapor and back to snow. It is all the same thing, but different forms, and we will resume our form as well. For me this is comforting, and explains a lot of my feelings of been-there done-that!
Of course, as is glibly said, there’s no getting away from the fact that we are going to die, but that does not mean that we have to dwell in the fear of it either. Ultimately it is just another change in a life that is nothing but change…each change can be called a little death, and, if you are like me, you can also look back and see that each “little death” opened up the pathway for something else. I think it is pretty cool to sit and imagine what that “something else” will be after the change called my physical death!
Nancy, I hope that you can imagine that, too, and choose to live this life consciously and with joy, and not waste it through living fearfully…although, you will get the chance to do it again if you’d like!
Therese
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.ChangingChange.net, which offers spiritual assistance from a team of Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less, and offers insight, suggestions, and companionship during moments of unbidden, unexpected, unwelcome change on the journey of life. She may be contacted at Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
Dear Therese,
I am a young stay at home mother of two, happily married, and I am a fairly spiritual person. My life is really good, but I still feel kind of depressed. I read CWG saying that my life isn’t about me, it’s about others, so I give all I can to my children, my husband and I do volunteer work. I think I need some “me” time, but I feel guilty because that might take away from my giving to others. What am I missing? Aren’t I supposed to feel better because I am giving?
Ann in Missouri
Dear Ann,
Yes! You are supposed to feel better, but it isn’t your fault that you don’t. Cultural influences around the world tell us that women are not supposed to be selfish, that they are not equal to men, that they should be ashamed, and that time for themselves is time they should be using to give. They have it backwards.
Ann, you are one of the “others” that you can give to. You are certainly an “other” to those who know you. Are you trying to do all of this alone, or are you reaching out and taking help when it is offered? I know that I thought I had to be strong and independent…but it only isolated me. It is not weakness to ask for help. If it is okay to give to others, it is also okay to give to yourself.
Let me expand on that. If you do not fill yourself up, do you realize that you are not really giving as well as you think you are? When you are running on fumes, even if you are giving all that you are capable of giving, the person to whom you are giving still knows they are not being given the very best you can give. They may not know why something doesn’t feel right and true, but they know it, and don’t accept your efforts in the way you think they should…which means your effort was inefficient at best. We do no one full justice when we do not give ourselves full justice. When we are insufficiently full, we give insufficiently.
It is not selfish to have “me” time, if the intent of that time is to make yourself whole, so that you may give of yourself well. That is the mistake we make in our cultures.
selfish |ˈselfi sh |
adjective
(of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.
Sweetie, you do not fit the description of “selfish”. You do fit the description of tired, and needing to fill yourself.
Taking “me” time can take many forms. The first form I would suggest is simply using the word “no” more often. If you are like me, the kids will invariably come into the bathroom whenever you are there…close the door! I even wrote a poem once called, “The Temple That is my Bathroom”! quiet, personal time, consciously taken, does not need a special space. Take a bubble bath, or long hot shower, and shave those legs or use that loofah for more than 10 seconds…consciously enjoying the delicious time taken just for you. Meditate…there are many ways of meditating that don’t require you to sit for an hour, including simply being aware of your breath, or stopping for a moment and noticing who you are with respect to your surroundings.
There are grander things, of course, like taking a short vacation by yourself, or with your spouse to get reacquainted, going to two movies in the same day, auditioning for a play (not volunteering, unless it allows you to move into an area of joy you don’t usually get to experience), or sending the kids off to grandmother’s for a week. Consider going on a retreat.
“Me” time is essential…and you should also thank your depression for helping you to be aware of what is not working for you. Depression gets a bad rap in this world. Yes, there are people who are clinically depressed, and that is a very different thing, but most of us are called by depression to do something very simple…to stop…and listen to our bodies and our spirit, and recognize what is not working. Pay attention to it. It could also be a sign that you are not eating well, BTW, so remember that you are a mind/BODY/spirit being.
So, sweet Ann, be selfish. You just might find your full magnificence if you are!
Therese
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.ChangingChange.net, which offers spiritual assistance from a team of Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less, and offers insight, suggestions, and companionship during moments of unbidden, unexpected, unwelcome change on the journey of life. She may be contacted at Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
Dear Therese,
Recently someone I know sent me a really nasty e-mail out of the blue. I admit I don’t know this person well, but it still came as quite a shock and surprised me at how much I am upset by this. Should I write back? If I do, what should I say?
Surprised
Dear Surprised,
I don’t think it is going to come as any surprise that I am going to ask you to look at yourself in this situation. Not because I think you have done anything to cause this particular situation, mind you, but to simply ask yourself what in this situation is your moment of growth. Is this type of thing a usual trigger? Does someone being upset with you usually cause you to be unusually effected? Why do you worry so because this person was “mean” to you? I am sure you can come up with others to ask yourself!
I ask these questions because what you are experiencing is actually quite normal. What isn’t normal these days is to stop and understand that it doesn’t matter what anyone else says, it matters how you accept what they say, and how you choose to feel and be in the aftermath of the words. The children’s nursery rhyme had it right…sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never harm me!
I heard a little story (paraphrasing here, of course) that tells of the Buddha teaching the wife of a wealthy man. Her husband noticed that his wife had changed, and he did not like the change, so he found the Buddha and approached him in anger. The Buddha simply held up his hand and said, “I do not accept your gift of anger. Accept, instead, my gift of love.” And walked away, leaving the man standing silent, not knowing what to say.
“Start telling the truth now and never stop. Begin by telling the truth to yourself about yourself. Then tell the truth to yourself about someone else. Then tell the truth about yourself to another. Then tell the truth about another to that other. Finally, tell the truth to everyone about everything. These are the 5 levels of truth telling. This is the five-fold path to freedom.” ~Neale Donald Walsch
Surprised, what would happen if you gave a response that told her, even though gently, how you felt when she used those hurtful words? Not what you thought about them, but how you felt. Would that harm, or example how to appropriately communicate? I would suggest you respond with your gift of love.
I don’t know if you will see an instant change in the situation, although you may, but I do know that responding to her from the space of anger will not change anything. Share the truth about your feelings, expecting nothing but the ability to share as your reward for doing so. Plant the seed of example. Then let the universe handle how and when it will grow.
Therese
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.ChangingChange.net, which offers spiritual assistance from a team of Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less, and offers insight, suggestions, and companionship during moments of unbidden, unexpected, unwelcome change on the journey of life. She may be contacted at Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
Today I am going to share “advice” I realized I had to give to myself.
I recently had minor knee surgery. Minor in and of itself, but the third time on this particular knee, and placing my sweet knee dangerously close to bone on bone. My doctor has cautioned that I must remember that my knee is no longer normal. My physical therapist also advised me to not always walk on the level ground of sidewalks, but to walk on the grass to strengthen the muscles all around the knee better.
So…yesterday I walked around the little lake in our neighborhood. On the area with the most dramatic slope. With the weak knee on the upside of the slope, making it do the power work. And today…I can barely walk! If I move, it feels better, but when I sit for awhile it gets weak again. Sheesh.
I was so proud of myself for how good I was at getting to the point where it didn’t hurt so soon after surgery! But now I realize I was just doing enough…enough to get by, but not enough to challenge and really strengthen the knee.
Then, as I am wont to do, I began to ask myself some questions. Is my body, which is the connection between my soul and my mind, asking me to look at something? Way too quickly came my answer…of course, silly! Is it possible you’ve been taking the easy, level path spiritually? Ummm…I don’t wish to answer that, thank you very much! Have you been letting your fears settle into your body again? Are you moving too fast, or too slow, or even both? OUCH! literally ouch! Could be! Is it time to take the uneven path, and change your mind about some things? Dang it! Stop asking me questions! And, just for the record, self, the answer is…yes!
Dearest Therese, yes, your body is speaking to you, especially if you think it is speaking to you. Be kind to yourself, don’t judge and compare yourself…not even to yourself. Where you are, is where you must be to see where you are going. Give the understanding you give to others, to yourself…you will then be able to share that understanding more wonderfully.
Therese, walk the uneven ground, even though it be fearful and confusing, and brings things into your life you do not understand right now. The uneven ground will strengthen your body…and it will strengthen your spirit. CWG, in “The Only Thing That Matters” says that each time you think you are “there”, you will be given the opportunity to move into an even higher expression of “there”. Don’t make the mistake of thinking this means you are moving backward. It just means, if you are lucky, if you are open and brave, you will always be new at something all of your life!
Therese
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.ChangingChange.net, which offers spiritual assistance from a team of Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less, and offers insight, suggestions, and companionship during moments of unbidden, unexpected, unwelcome change on the journey of life. She may be contacted at Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
Hi, I take your offer and have a question for you:
Since I work hard on me to except everything in my life and I am way more relaxed with whatever life throws at me… the downside is that I don’t have much motivation to achieve things, cause things doesn’t annoy me anymore so there is not much need to do something about it. But I work way under my qualification (I am a social worker and work as a support worker), and I know that I have the skills to do much more, to change things, to make a real difference, but I simply can’t be bothered. That would be okay if I would be happy like this, but I am not and want to live my whole potential. I am stuck in between… have no drive to change things since that is the only thing bothering me….
Does this make sense?
many thanks,
Verena
Yes, Verena, it makes perfect sense. I think the confusion comes in thinking that because you believe life is happening perfectly, you no longer have a reason, or right, to try and change what is happening in your life. I believe that just the opposite is true. Accepting all that is happening does not mean that change can’t or shouldn’t happen. It means that you are no longer giving your energy to the past, and can now give that energy to what is in front of you, that you might be able to change.
You see, once you know everything is perfect, the natural thing is to wish that understanding for everyone. When you see those who are doing harm to themselves, or to you, you should do what you can to move them into an understanding that this is not working for them. Being a social worker puts you right in the middle of doing just that! You can be relaxed and motivated to help at the same time.
Perhaps you are not letting the proper thing motivate you, Verena. Is money your motivator? Or acclaim for what you do? Or is helping others your motivator? As a social worker, I think you just might understand that this life is, ultimately, not about you. Yes, you must take care of yourself and be kind to yourself, and doing that is not being selfish. If you are spiritually healthy, then you are in a better position to give of yourself fully. And when you give of yourself fully, you can give others back to themselves more fully.
The Christian Bible says to be in this world, but not of this world. To me, this does not say to distance yourself from living. To me,it means to look at how you are living from a spiritual perspective…and doing that gives you calmness and motivation. It means to see things as they are, love them and move forward from that love to raise all that you touch to a different level.
Make sure, also, Verena, that you are not using your understanding of spirituality as an excuse to not be motivated. Spirituality does not mean withdrawing from life, it means fully engaging from a very different level of life! It means living to your fullest potential because it gives you joy to simply Be who you really are, and demonstrate who that is. If you are doing this, then you may actually find you have money and accolades, but they will be secondary things.
Lena, you get to decide what you wish to Be in this life. Just the fact that you have written this question tells me that you are questioning what you think you believe about spirituality. Continue questioning…and then decide what makes you feel…just feel. Feel good, feel passionate, joyful…engaged.
If you would like a continuing dialog on this topic, we have Life Coaches on the site who answer questions. (Nova Wightman, Annie Sims, J.R. Westen, and Kevin McCormack), or you could go over to The Changing Change Network, and talk about it with Spiritual Helpers and wonderful peer members.
Therese
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.ChangingChange.net, which offers spiritual assistance from a team of Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less, and offers insight, suggestions, and companionship during moments of unbidden, unexpected, unwelcome change on the journey of life. She may be contacted at Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
A good friend of mine is going through some major changes in her life – angry separation from family, decrease in career/income, and her gentleman friend called and told her he’d found someone new.
She’s in a panic and turning to me and another good friend for support. I offered her the WECCE book, which she started to read and then put down. At this time she’s in no mood to hear that these changes may be for her own good and/or that she created them.
I want to support her, but am unsure what to say to her or do for her. I cannot in honesty say “poor dear”, because I DO believe WECCE (it’s worked in my life many times). I can agree with her that it’s a frightening and sad time for her, but she’s not ready to hear that the choice not to be frightened and sad has to come from within herself.
I’ve told her that I know (from experience) that there’s really nothing I can say to make her feel better, that’s a decision she must make for herself. But that I will support her totally in her choices to create the life she really wants, and that I love her.
At one point in WECCE Neil says to stay with a feeling until it no longer serves you. Maybe that’s what she’s doing – staying with the saddness, anger and fear until it no longer serves? Then when she asks for help, what does a friend say?
Thanks, K
Dear K,
You have given her the book, and when/if it is time for her to read it, she will. How lucky she is to have a friend like you who cares enough to not just talk, but to give tools!
There is nothing wrong, by the way, with saying, “poor dear” to her at this point in her changes, K. This human experience is all too real and all too painful, more so for some than others. Saying “poor dear” now, does not mean that you must continue to do so, which would, of course, be enabling her to not even consider changing her mind about what is going on. So, yes, for now she must experience sadness, anger and fear until it no longer serves her…but, of course, everything does eventually serve.
The mistake that your friend may be making, regarding the “she created them” statements in the book, is forgetting that we are co-creators…and even then we are co-creating on a Soul level, and for a Soul purpose! We most often have no direct control over the total picture, because we are rarely alone in that picture! However, and this is the big “however”, we do have control over our own reactions to the events of our lives. The big lie, if you will, is that we can not consciously control who we are, in any given situation. WECCE, as you know, gives us tools on how to do just that. It gives us tools to overcome past data and become conscious co-creators and not victims. The biggest example I give is Nelson Mandella. He was in prison for many years, unjustly, and yet he knew that this was just his external circumstance, and that it had nothing to do with who he really is. The same can be said of Jesus, or Ghandi, and many others. There were surely people in that same prison with Mandella, imprisoned falsely, who thought of themselves as victims. The two thieves on the cross with Jesus…one found gratitude and love, the other stayed in victimhood. They each made a choice.
You might consider, when you are around your friend, and she is negative and in victim mode, asking her gentle questions and gently pointing out different ways of looking at things. For instance, when she points out how horrible her boyfriend is, you might ask her if it isn’t a good thing that he isn’t lying to her any more so she can move on with her life in truth…or if it isn’t a good thing that she isn’t taking any more risk of disease. I am sure you get where I am going. There is always a positive side, if one is willing to change their mind.
Of course, if the negativity continues, it may come to the point you refer to above, and you simply have to say, “I can see that you are hurting, but I can also see that none of the things that I have said mean anything to you right now. I would like you to find the help and support you require, but it is clearly not coming from me right now. I love you, and will be here when you think I can really be of help to you, but I can’t just sit here and let you live in misery and enable you to do so.”
I would encourage you to encourage her to look at what fear (panic) is doing to her, and see that it doesn’t really serve her in the way she might think it is serving her. Those are emotions that only cause us to stay in place, whilst looking backward with longing…but she can change her mind about her future!
Thank you for coming here, and thank you for being a good friend, K!
Therese
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.ChangingChange.net, which offers spiritual assistance from a team of Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less, and offers insight, suggestions, and companionship during moments of unbidden, unexpected, unwelcome change on the journey of life. She may be contacted at Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
many many things……………. make me unhappy!!
nine years ago, my son would born, then I took a taxi to hosipital, because my husband hadn’t car, but my father had at that moment. When my son had been borned, my father and my brother hadn’t came to hosipital to visit me. My brother might be couldn’t come because the visit time just 1:00pm to 4:00pm, he needed to work, but my father hadn’t come just he didn’t want to go to hosipital. He visited my son and I since I came back to my house. but now my brother’s daughter borned, he drove his car to go to hosipital for them, he had come to hosipital to visit them, also he always to help them, my father and mother treat his wife well, everything homour my brother and her, they love their daughter so much, they don’t like my son because they think he is a naughty boy. They always altercation to my son when we go to their house everytime. They also don’t like my husband, because he haven’t make them happy, give anything to them, money…..etc. I said that just a little bit , In additon, many many things……, I can’t tell you one time…..may be you think I always compare with anothers special my brother. Yes, I think so , but I can’t accept my parents not fair to me.
Unhappy …………….
Dear Unhappy,
HAPPY NEW YEAR! What a great day to have this question, since this is a day we consciously decide to change…and I have some suggestions on how to do that!
I would invite you to read the book, “When Everything Changes, Change Everything” (WECCE). This book is all about how to deal with Change in your life, and how past data (our past experiences among other things), creates how we think and feel today. Unhappy, the nine Changes discussed there guide us into understanding that we always have a choice as to how we feel in any situation…no one makes us unhappy, we allow our unhappiness. We all have the choice to be happy by changing our minds about what makes us unhappy.
Life is all in how we look at it, Unhappy. Could it be that not having your family in your sons life is a good thing that you just do not see at this moment? Most of life is quite unseen except when looking back at it, but that backward look can be taken immediately after the event or thought…it does not have to take years.
You talk about things not being fair. Unhappy, I believe life is always fair. It is how we judge things that make things look unfair. Consider changing your mind about this as well. For instance, your niece has the attention of your family, but because of this you have been given the opportunity to look into yourself and see what is really important instead of only looking at the outside of things. you have been given the opportunity to forgive yourself and others. you have been given the opportunity for compassion. You have been given the time to be with your son and husband more.
And you have been given the opportunity to choose a different way of being a parent to your child.
A huge part of changing your mind about things that have happened is Gratitude for all that has happened…and for all that is currently in your life. Without things that seem to go “wrong”, we can never understand and appreciate things when they go “right”. When we are fearful and without gratitude, even for the things that seem awful, we stay in the feeling of “awful”, and are not capable of moving into feeling “joyful”. CWG contends that each moment of our life is an opportunity to demonstrate who we are…life is not full of challenges, it is full of opportunities!
Which means that we must practice changing our minds. It doesn’t usually happen overnight, because our past data is our life…but it can be done with grace and Love. Take moments every day to just look at what you feel is working in your life, and notice what it feels like in your body. (This is a small meditation, BTW.) That is the feeling you are looking for…and you will have created it all by yourself!
Sit and just say, “I am Grateful for Life” and feel it, and enjoy the feeling. When you know what this feeling is, you will recognize when something does not feel “Grateful”, because your body will not feel the same easy feeling. For instance, when you say “Life is unfair to me.” I’ll bet you have tightness in your chest, maybe a lump in your throat, and gut, and more. Now say, “I am Grateful for Life.” I’ll bet you can notice the difference in the feelings! When you notice the difference do you know what you have done? You have just created a Change! and you can do this with everything in your life. You will naturally wish to have this feeling and create it more and more!
I hope you read the book, Unhappy, and go to the website at www.changingchange.net for a continuing discussion with our community there.
Therese
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.ChangingChange.net, which offers spiritual assistance from a team of Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less, and offers insight, suggestions, and companionship during moments of unbidden, unexpected, unwelcome change on the journey of life. She may be contacted at Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
My advice on this Christmas Day is this:
Be kind to yourself. Let this kindness be the basis from which you experience this day.
I say this because Christmas is such a difficult day for so many…but it doesn’t have to forever be the day that childhood and youthful buttons get pushed. Create a new “button”. Create the button of understanding. Even if an action or deed from the past, done by you or by another, was anything but welcome or kind, work on thinking about it from a different space.
That space would be understanding. From the space of understanding it may be easier to see the hurt child hiding behind the hurtful behavior. From that space we might be able to understand that “they know not what they do.” And from that space you may also be able to begin to understand yourself…and show yourself kindness.
Who knows what miracles can happen if we move, as a global community, into the space of understanding…perhaps, just perhaps, we would be able to move into what the birth of the child, Jesus, is supposed to symbolize…Peace on Earth, goodwill towards men (and women).
Therese
