Should I Marry Him?

Dear Therese,

I am getting married in June, and I am having doubts.  He’s a good man, and he has a good job, but he has mood swings and sometimes I really don’t like being around him.  Sometimes I think I can change him, but, should I have to?  Should I leave him, or should I stay?  I am so tired of trying to make things work, but I am also so tired of dating.

Janine L., Wyoming

Dear Janine,

I am not going to tell you to go or stay.  Only you can make that decision.

From your brief note, I get the impression that you have fallen into the trap of modern dating.  These days people are considered “loose” or “easy” if they date more than one person at a time, so they fall into what I call the “serial monogamy” treadmill.  They try to make each and every date into a relationship!  Wow, has that got to be emotionally devastating!

My mother gave me some very wise advice:  Date, date, date, date, date.  And with each of them, when it’s time to move on, take just a moment to examine just what you did and did not like about them.  She told me that if I did that, I would know when the “right” one came along.  And I did!  We are about to celebrate our 40th anniversary this Saturday!

So how is this relevant to you?  Well, looking back, I can see that I might not have had the words to articulate these things like I do now, but I realize I had examined what “relationship” meant to me.  I knew that if there was no joy in it from the beginning, and only work, I was not going to serve me or him.  I knew that I required someone who would be on a spiritual journey with me.  Even (especially!) that has evolved through the years, but the intent of my relationship was clear to me.

CWG Book 1:

Neale: Okay. So I want to find the tools for a long-term relationship—and you say entering relationships purposefully is one of them.

God: Yes. Be sure you and your mate agree on purpose. If you both agree at a conscious level that the purpose of your relationship is to create an opportunity, not an obligation—an opportunity for growth, for full Self expression, for lifting your lives to their highest potential, for healing every false thought or small idea you ever had about you, and for ultimate reunion with God through the communion of your two souls—if you take that vow instead of the vows you’ve been taking—the relationship has begun on a very good note. It’s gotten off on the right foot. That’s a very good beginning.

Neale: Still, it’s no guarantee of success.

God: If you want guarantees in life, you don’t want life. You want rehearsals for a script that’s already been written. Life by its nature cannot have guarantees, or its whole purpose is thwarted. 

And:

“…First, make sure you get into a relationship for the right reasons. (I’m using the word “right” here as a relative term. I mean “right” relative to the larger purpose you hold in your life.

As I have indicated before, most people still enter relationships for the “wrong” reasons – to end loneliness, fill a gap, bring themselves love, or someone to love – and those are some of the better reasons. Others do so to salve their ego, end their depressions, improve their sex life, recover from a previous relationship, or, believe it or not, to relieve boredom.

None of these reasons will work, and unless something dramatic changes along the way, neither will the relationship.”

Janine, in CWG, God also says:

“My most powerful messenger is experience, and even this you ignore. Especially this you ignore.”

My mother taught me to look at my own experience…what is your experience telling you?

I know, I know, a lot of Conversations With God quotes, but they happen to be spot-on when I look back at my relationship!  I realized that I had to first “know myself and fill myself” so that I could move outward and fully into a relationship that was about more than just me!

It was, and is, an ongoing process.

I somehow knew many of these things, or had been exampled and taught them without knowing whence they came (mother!?), but you are lucky.  If you are here, reading this, you are already choosing to consciously know how to move through life and into a full relationship…first with yourself, and then with another.

Therese

(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.ChangingChange.net, which offers spiritual assistance from a team of Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less, and offers insight, suggestions, and companionship during moments of unbidden, unexpected, unwelcome change on the journey of life. She may be contacted at Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)

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  • mewabe

    Janine, I just thought that I should mention that in my opinion it is a very serious mistake to think that you should or could attempt to change another.

    It’s not whether you should have to…but whether such approach is disrespectful of another at the most fundamental level, attempting to “fix” a man as if he was a child.

    Many women unfortunately make this mistake. They don’t like some traits in a guy they otherwise get along well with, and they think it is in their calling to try to rube these traits out, as with an eraser, to make him the way they want him to be.

    It can only lead to extreme unhappiness for both of you. You either like and accept someone or you don’t…but don’t think you can or should “fix” another person to make him fit your expectations.

    It never works anyway, and it should not, as a person must evolve on his or her own terms. according to her or his own nature and identity, and choices.

    I do not mean to offend, but someone has to say it, as this mistake is so common.

  • mewabe

    “…as a person must evolve on his or her own terms, according to her or his own nature and identity, and choices.”

    Of course that’s speaking as if changing according to another person’s expectations and to match another person’s needs could be called “evolution”…I would say that most times it would not.

    Be and honor yourself and let the other be her/himself…be authentic and you will attract an authentic relationship, where no changes are either wanted or needed, and you feel happy to let the other be, and follow his or her own path.

    A person is not a product, or a garment, you can’t fix the length or widen the sleeves…a person is whole. A relationship is not a consumer experience, it is not like shopping. You can’t buy him and attempt to return or exchange some parts of his personality that displease you, that you think are “faulty”.

  • Therese W.

    Mewabe,

    I actually meant to get back to that point and didn’t…so thank you for finishing my answer!

    T.

  • mewabe

    Thanks Therese, you are welcome! 🙂