love
Last month in the United States saw the return of CPAC (Conservative Political Action Conference) in which the conservative political groups get together and toot their own horn and hold a straw vote as to who they want to see run for president in 2016. And as the reports on CPAC speakers began emerging, I was utterly amazed as how the definitions of some words have been twisted to the point where they mean exactly the opposite of what the common definition holds them to mean.
For example, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie stated that the Republican party is the party of “tolerance”. Say what? This is the party who has, 50 times now, tried to repeal the Affordable Health Care act, something that the Republican party’s 2012 candidate, Mitt Romney, advocated for and signed into law in Massachusetts years prior to Obama’s becoming president. This is the party who is pushing for a constitutional amendment defining marriage as one man and one woman. This is the party who considers some human beings “illegal aliens” (as if a human being could be illegal!) and who refuses to lift a finger to help the poor and the unemployed/underemployed. This is the party who is making a concerted effort to block the ability of the poor and minorities to vote in the next presidential election, both through laws requiring voter ID cards and through redistricting. This is the party who believes that a woman’s body won’t get pregnant if she is raped and seeks to refuse to allow a woman to have an abortion for any reason. This is tolerance?
During a panel discussion, right-wing talk show host Michael Medved claimed that gay marriages have never been banned by any state in the US. Of course, that’s because a gay person can get married IF they marry someone of the opposite gender. Racists used the same argument for not getting rid of laws that banned blacks from marrying whites: blacks could get married as long as they married another black person! We weren’t violating their civil rights by not allowing them to marry who they loved!
Michelle Bachmann, once a candidate for the US presidency, says that gays are “bullying” the American public and contends that the bill recently vetoed by Arizona’s governor that would have allowed legal discrimination against gays based on deeply held religious beliefs was about same sex marriage and had nothing to do with gays! This redefining of “bullying” is an insult to those who are truly being bullied.
Mark Sanford, former governor of South Carolina, claims that the federal government did NOT “shut down” last October! I guess not conducting business for fifteen or sixteen days is just an extended break for Sandford. (Of course, this is the man who told everyone he’d be hiking the Appalachian Trail and then took a flight to Argentina to be with his mistress. I never new the Appalachian Trail went that far south!)
The Liberty Counsel’s Matt Barber recently compared the “persecution” of anti-gay business owners to that of the Jews under the Nazi regime. (Liberty Counsel is closely associated with Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University (Falwell of Moral Majority fame)). Such a comparison degrades the true horror of the Jewish persecutions of the Holocaust.
Scott Lively, a virulently anti-gay pastor, called Vladimir Putin a “defender of true human rights”!
Fred Phelps (who has nothing to do with CPAC) is another example of how the meanings of words have been twisted. Fred, who recently celebrated his transition day, ran the notorious “God Hates Fags” and “God Hates America” websites (along with a lot of other sites of groups God hates), believed that he was being loving by picketing the funerals of soldiers who died in Iraq or Afghanistan because unless we stop being a “fag-enabling” country, according to Fred, we’re all going to end up in hell. So by making us aware that “God hates fags”, Fred was doing something very loving and trying to save our souls. (It was recently revealed that Fred had been kicked out of the Westboro Baptist Church, the church he started and who organizes and participates in the picketing of funerals, several months before his death.)
There is a renewed push for laws to protect what has been termed “religious liberty”. While this sounds like a wonderful idea, what it is really pushing for are laws that would allow people in the public sector (business owners, landlords, etc.) to discriminate against someone who violated their “deeply held religious beliefs”. In other words, legalized discrimination.
The fracking industry is running commercials on television and radio about how safe fracking is for the country and the benefits that fracking provides us by making us more energy independent. And yet in 2012, the fracking industry produced more than 280 billion gallons of toxic wastewater (which doesn’t include the other toxins produced by fracking, such as methan poisoning of groundwater tables, which the fracking industry claims doesn’t happen.) Much of that wastewater was produced in states that are in the midst of droughts and in states where water is a scarce resource. There has been a marked increase in the number of earthquakes in the states in which there is a lot of fracking as well. In Oklahoma, for example, there has been average of about 75 earthquakes of 2.5 magnitude or greater in the four year period from 2009-2012. In 2013, that number jumped to 222. And if the pace of the first six weeks of 2014 continues, Oklahoma will experience a whopping 780+ earthquakes this year! (Source) And when they wanted to frack near the home of an Exxon Mobile corporate bigwig? He joined a lawsuit to prevent it from damaging his property value. But it’s “safe”!
Don’t get me wrong: this kind of thing has been happening for a very long time. Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter, Maggie Gallagher, Pat Robertson, James Dobson (just to name a few): all these right wingers have been twisting the meaning of words for years. Some for decades. (Yes, it happens in the Democratic party and among liberal causes as well, but these groups have nowhere near the media coverage and exposure as the conservatives.)
But what is surprising is how blatant the distortions are becoming. And what is frightening is that many recent studies have shown that there is something called the “backfire” effect. This means when you explain the distortion to people and explain the real truth, they become MORE likely to believe the distortion is true!
And the problem isn’t just with the famous (or infamous). It’s among the “common” folks as well. Just the other day, a friend of mine posted a cartoon in which one character stated that she was pro-choice and the other asked a series of questions like “Can I choose to smoke?” and “Can I choose to drink a large soda?” The first character always replied “No” and gave some reason like “It’s bad for you.” After six such questions, the second character asked “What can I choose?” and the first answered “An abortion.”
I pointed out to my friend that this cartoon was filled with lies because people CAN smoke, they just can’t smoke in public where their smoke will be breathed by others who do not smoke. (Her response was “Then don’t go to places that allow smoking”, but if that’s everywhere, then what choice do I have but to sit at home?) I demonstrated to her that every statement was a lie, except of course that one can (for now) choose to have an abortion, usually after jumping through a bunch of hoops.
She replied that the cartoon was just an opinion and everyone was entitled to an opinion. I proceeded to explain to her that opinions have no right/wrong and cannot be shown to be demonstrably true or false. And she simply repeated that she was entitled to her opinion, as if repeating it was just an opinion would change the definition of opinion!
What, you might ask, does this have to do with the Global Conversation?
Our goal, so to speak, is to open a dialogue so that we can discuss possible changes in that which we have refused to change (or even discuss really!) for the past 2000 years: our understanding of God. It is going to be challenging to hold a meaningful discussion if the different sides of the conversation don’t even have the same meaning for words.
We are going to have to find ways around, over or through this very large hurdle if this dialogue is to take place. Talking amongst ourselves really accomplishes nothing because we’re “preaching to the choir”. We know we have to change and expand our beliefs about God and our Oneness and the role of humanity in this universe. The key is to get others involved in the conversation in order to have a chance to create the kind of world we all say we want: a world of peace in which we all live according to the beliefs we hold dear, respecting the rights of everyone else to do the same.
When people don’t even agree on the definitions of words because the national figures that support their current beliefs twist words so that they mean sometimes exactly the opposite of what they actually mean, this conversation becomes much more difficult. Not impossible, mind you. But more difficult. And it becomes all the more urgent because now, before we can even begin to discuss expanding our beliefs about God, we have to find common ground once more on what we mean when we say “compassion” and “tolerance” and “liberty”.
I have a daily practice of saying affirmations. I publish a new affirmation on my Facebook account every day (ok, on most days….). Affirmations are a way in which we can “reprogram” our subconscious mind, replacing thoughts that no longer support our highest goals.
I hear so many people say something to the effect of, “Simply repeating the same thing over and over to yourself isn’t going to change anything! It can’t be that easy!”
And yet these are the same people who are wearing “Duck Dynasty” hats, “Keep Calm and (fill in the blank)” T-shirts and who hum the latest jingle to their favorite fast food restaurant as they wait in the drive through to order.
The Bible says “In the beginning was the Word.” Words are what creates. We first have a thought, which is nothing more than “silent words”, and those words are energy that is put out into the universe and when enough energy surrounding those words accumulates, those words take physical form.
You’re frustrated at work yet you say nothing. Every day, your frustration level increases. Soon you begin to notice that you’re having stomach problems or your blood pressure is rising. These are physical manifestations of your thoughts of frustration.
You think of a new idea for a more efficient way of doing something at work. You spend time putting together a presentation for your boss. She loves the idea and your original thoughts are now a new company policy and you have a nice bonus check to bank.
You want to try skydiving, but you keep thinking “What if the chute doesn’t open?” or “What if I land in a tree?” and soon those thoughts create a real fear and you don’t ever go skydiving.
There is an undeniable trend in society today: we are becoming more and more violent. We see this violence manifested in our lives every day: mass shootings— some by children, suicide bombings, car bombings, people murdered over the clothes they’re wearing, road rage….
Some say that art imitates life, but I’m of the belief that it goes both ways: life also mirrors art. The movies we go to see, the video games we play, the television shows we TIVO so we don’t miss a single episode, the books we read, the music we listen to— all have become so much more violent.
The lyrics of some major artists like Eminem (among many others!) glorify the beating, degradation and even rape of women.
Television shows, especially “reality TV” shows like Survivor and Big Brother, glorify lying, cheating, backstabbing and deception in order to win lots of money. “True life” shows like “Wives with Knives” and “Deadly Affairs” (among many, many others) make murder and violence a big money venture. Other reality shows, like “American Idol” and “The Bachelor” take special pains to show some of the participants in their worst possible light, some even making entire episodes that are devoted to making fun of someone for following their dream.
Video games, wherein a player gets to rape a prostitute or steal cars or shoot gays or burn down buildings, are being played by children who are far too young to understand the difference between fantasy and reality. The traditional joystick has been replaced by guns or steering wheels or “wands” that recognize the realistic movements one must make to accomplish what their character onscreen is doing, thus blurring even further for some the difference between reality and fantasy.
Of course, the makers/publishers/producers/directors/writers of these violent media products deny that these have any influence on the level of violence in society. They say that they’re only giving the people what they want. Then they turn around and spend $4 million dollars on a 30 second commercial to play during the Superbowl because they understand the power of advertising and the power of words to influence what you buy and what you think.
And that is the paradox with the power of words. Until you recognize that words only have the power that you give them, words have an enormous power over what you think, what you feel, what you believe and what you do. The more you understand that the power of words is in your control, the less power words have over you.
We have been inundated with words from birth. These words, because we do not yet understand that words have no power over us, affect what we think, feel, believe and do. And we hear them repeatedly, time after time after time. The average person in today’s western society sees more than 240 images every day that are specifically aimed at advertising. That’s not including the ones our brain does not register. We’re hearing these messages over and over and whether we want to admit it or not, if we’re not doing something to consciously prevent it, those messages are becoming part of our subconscious thinking and directly influences our behavior and our thinking patterns. (There’s a reason subliminal advertising is illegal!)
And so we come back full circle to the use of affirmations. Affirmations combat those messages from advertisers that say we can’t be happy unless we buy their product or we won’t be pretty unless we use this make up or we won’t find our true love unless we use this perfume or we’ll lose our partner to another if we don’t know how to perform this particular act.
Affirmations are taking conscious control of our subconscious. We are reprogramming the subconscious and building a wall of protection around it that limit the influence that media input of all sorts has on what the subconscious believes. In doing so, we are creating our own reality in which our happiness doesn’t depend on anyone or anything but ourselves. In which Love is not measured in how many times we have sex or how big the ring is on our finger. In which success is not determined by how big the house we live in or the label of the clothes we wear or the kind of car in our garage. In which beauty is not determined by weight, the appearance of age, the color of our hair or whether we have “flawless” skin. In which the world of peace and harmony and brotherly love that we all profess we want to live in becomes reality.
Ahhh…good old, poor old, Justin Bieber. He has landed himself smack dab in the middle of the convergence of several double standards, hasn’t he?
Here’s my take…
On the one hand we raised him up, from the time he was little, and told him just how special he was. We told him that because he was so special, and did such a good job of entertaining us that he could do virtually anything he desired…and we were going to give him the money to do so!
Ooops! Then we told him that, despite the fact that there were surely people who knew exactly the behavior he was getting caught up in, it is not okay to do this thing. We love you, but there are invisible rules to the game that he should have just known don’t get covered and ignored because of his status as special!
At the same time he got special status, because he is so special, and got allowed, as a Canadian National, into the United States to work and live, so that now he gets to be the target/example/representative of what is wrong with American immigration and deportation policies.
Let’s not forget that because he is so special, and because he makes so much money and entertains us so well, it is entirely possible he will be treated in a manner very different than any other 19 year old citizen, but without money, in this country…and this is before throwing in that lovely wild card of skin color.
Wow! wouldn’t we all like to be so special?
Our relationship with celebrity (or anyone who we perceive as “successful”) reminds me of our relationship with God. In these cases WE are God…and we act as we have had demonstrated to us God acts.
So just what has been demonstrated of God’s love and approval to us?
First we are told how loved and lovable we are.
Then we act as if we are as we were told, lovable and perfect in the Creators eyes, and we experiment with Life to figure out who we are.
But then we cross that invisible line that says, whoa! you’re special, but not THAT special! Better watch out or there could be some pretty dramatic results in the end…eternal results!
So, we give being special another go, but we keep an eye out for where that invisible line is, because we now know it is there…and, even though we don’t know it is what we are feeling, we are feeling just a little bit less special every time we stumble upon that line with God, and risk damnation with our next move.
This is the little play we act out with people like Justin Bieber, or any of the others in the news lately. We love to play God, and have the opportunity, finally, to be the one condemning rather than being the condemned.
Here’s a twist, however…I have no problem with anyone “playing God”! The problem I have is with how the part of God gets played by we Humans most of the time! Yes, I capitalized “Human” in the same sentence as “God”. I happen to believe we are individuations of the Divine, which gives us the opportunity to actually use our Humanity in a Divine manner. We are not doing so.
All of that aside, in my view, all that we consider “entertaining” is actually nothing more than “diverting”. Turning our attention away from something to something else. We hand our power to something other than ourselves.
I think it is obvious what our attention is turned to, but from what? At its core, quite simply, away from ourselves…away from our own thoughts, and our own Love. We place it all outside of ourselves, and we reach out to find what will fill us, instead of looking in, with gratitude, at the great gift of this human experience that has been provided by Divinity.
The outside is great! If we view it all through the eyes of our Divine connection. So let’s go one more step…let’s look at Justin Bieber as part of that Divine connection, and even while we notice what isn’t working in his life, love all that he is…because we did co-create the circumstances that resulted in this moment, didn’t we?
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.cwghelpingoutreach.com She may be contacted at: Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
Social media is the rage the world over. Everyone of us has that friend on social media who does almost nothing but post graphics with “inspirational” sayings. But it would behoove us to really LOOK at those inspirational messages before we share them with our friends and family because many times, there is a subtle, unwritten message that is also being shared. I’ve collected just a few examples over the last two weeks.
Never push a loyal person to the point
where they no longer give a damn.
The intent of the message, I believe, is to warn people not to push someone too far or too often because even the most loyal person will say “If that’s what you want…” and stop coming around. The unwritten message here is that others have control of your thoughts, emotions and actions. Someone can “push” you and make you not care anymore is what this message is saying. It reinforces the idea that others can “make us” feel things or not feel things.
Treat people the way you want to be treated.
Talk to people the way you want to be talked to.
Respect is earned, not given.
I can wholeheartedly support the first two lines of this one, but once you get to the third line, you’re essentially unsaying everything you just said! How can I “earn” your respect if I have never met you? This meme seems to suggests that you should only treat people the way you want to be treated if you respect them, which means that you have to get to know them first so they have a chance to “earn” your respect. Which is the complete utter opposite of what the actual Golden Rule implies!
Don’t waste words on people who deserve your silence. Sometimes the most powerful think you can say is nothing at all.
(Mandy Hole)
Now we have the reverse situation. I can agree with the last line, but not the first line. Why? Because NO ONE deserves your silence. We are all one. Not talking to someone because they “deserve” your silence is like saying “I’m not going to feed my right foot tonight.” Maybe your words, spoken in and motivated by Love, to someone who is “deserving” of silence is what it will take to heal the situation.
Sometimes you give up on people not because you don’t care but because they don’t.
I may have actually shared this one before I really thought about it. But giving up on someone is NOT a loving thing to do. How do you know that they don’t care? Even if they have said so, that may just be them trying to “look strong” or hide their real feelings out of fear of being hurt again. And if they really don’t care, then they really don’t care about themselves and they need unconditional Love even more! Love will always support everyone!
Spend your time to [sic] those who love you unconditionally…not with those who love you only when the condition is right for them.
This meme is advising you to only love those who love you unconditionally and avoid those who love conditionally. In other words, become someone you wouldn’t spend time with because you’re loving someone conditionally! (ie, on the condition they love you unconditionally!)
Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do ‘cause hate in your heart will consume you.
The intent of this one, I believe, is to not let yourself be consumed with hate! I can agree with the part about hate in your heart, but no one can make you mad or make you feel disrespected unless you allow them to. And the implication is that God will punish them later for it so you don’t have to worry about it, which reinforces the idea of a vengeful, angry God who must be appeased.
I believe we are who we choose to be.
Nobody is going to come and save you.
You’ve got to save yourself.
Nobody is gonna give you anything.
You’ve got to go out and fight for it.
Nobody knows what you want except you and
Nobody will be as sorry as you if you don’t get it.
So don’t give up on your dreams.
This one sandwiches good advice around a foul meaty middle. The bit about saving yourself is a bit sketchy because there’s really nothing to save yourself from other than the illusions you may be buying into. And in that sense, you DO have to save yourself because you are the only thinker in your mind. It’s your beliefs that need to change and you’re the only one who can change them. But you don’t have to “fight” for anything. There is no lack in the world. That is one of the five fallacies about life.
When you have a good heart
You help too much
You trust too much
You give too much
You love too much
And it always seems you hurt the most.
The unwritten message here is that having a good heart means you’re going to have a life full of pain. Yes, you can help too much. It’s called enabling. Yes, you can give too much. It too is called enabling. But you cannot trust or Love too much. And nothing can hurt you unless you allow it to! Your soul is indestructible. Your soul is immune to harm of any sort. In fact, you can really do nothing BUT Love because Love is all there is.
When people walk away, let them.
Your future is not about people who walk away.
It’s about people who stay in it for the ride.
Yes, you let people walk away if they choose to. That’s respecting their free will. But someone who is an abuser will not walk away and will stay “for the ride”. Someone who enjoys taking advantage of others or feels entitled to take what they want from others will “stay for the ride”. You must Love yourself AND them enough to say “This is enough!” [Note: I fully understand there are no victims and there are no villains. The use of the term “abuser” is for the sake of ease in understanding.]
And finally, la pièce de resistance:
Share this within 2 minutes if you believe in God
and he’ll do you a huge favor!
This has got to be one of my all-time favorites for memes with unwritten messages. I had no idea that God was out there with a stop-watch checking to see if you’ve shared a graphic before he’d do anything for you! How many of the fallacies about God does this embrace? I’m thinking at least the first three! God needs you to share this message so he can help you! And you MIGHT not do it so he may fail to be able to help you. And if you don’t give him what he needs, he’s not going to help you (separate himself from you)!
Words are an enigma in many ways. The power of words to hurt you is inversely proportional to your understanding that the only power words have is the power you give them. If you believe that being called fat and lazy is hurtful, then you will be hurt when you are called fat and lazy. If you believe that being called fat and lazy are simply words that another person is using to express their anger and frustration because they don’t understand why their life is the way it is, then being called fat and lazy won’t bother you. It may, in fact (hopefully), cause you to feel empathy and compassion for the person who is calling you fat and lazy because they don’t understand something that would allow their life to be so easy for them.
I have often been told that I am too wordy. And I cannot disagree. I often say the same thing in an article half a dozen times in half a dozen ways so that I do everything in my power to make sure that what I am saying is clear. That there is minimal room for misunderstanding. Unfortunately, the craze of graphic memes that fills the pages of social media has exactly the opposite goal: use as few words as possible to get their message across. And that means the message is often self-contradictory and open to misunderstanding and misinterpretation.
It’s so very easy to simply click the “share” link and spread the messages of these memes to all your Facebook friends. But before you do, take a few minutes to make sure that the message you are sending is one of Love.
(Shelly Strauss is a civil rights activist and speaker. In addition to becoming an ordained minister, she has written 20-plus novels and is the “resident visionary” at One Spirit Project. Shelly is also a spiritual helper on the ChangingChange website, offering support and guidance to people faced with unexpected and unwelcome change .)
I am so angry. I have been in a marriage for 32 years. I have been faithful. I have given him children. AND I have had a full time job. Now I find he wants a divorce, and wants to be free to be with other women. Now I am all alone, he wants to leave me with the kids, the stress is making my job performance suffer and I am at risk for losing my job, and he is off having his fun. I need him! Is this God being fair??
Rhea
Dear Rhea,
I am so sorry you are going through this right now. I get that it doesn’t seem fair.
Since I don’t have the luxury of an ongoing dialog, like I do over at The CWG Helping Outreach, I am going to be quite direct.
You talk about your relationship in terms of him getting what he wants, and you not being treated fairly…you do not speak of losing your soulmate, or the love of your life or any other endearing term. Which leads me to ask what you expected of marriage…why were you in the marriage? I often ask, and I will ask you: What is your definition of Love?
I think that what “Conversations With God” has to say about this subject is particularly pertinent right now. In chapter 8 of book 1, it talks about how we define Love. In this chapter God says:
“For most people, love is a response to need fulfillment.
Everyone has needs. You need this, another needs that. You both see in each other a chance for need fulfillment. So you agree—tacitly—to a trade. I’ll trade you what I’ve got if you’ll give me what you’ve got.
It’s a transaction. But you don’t tell the truth about it. You don’t say, “I trade you very much.” You say, “I love you very much,” and then the disappointment begins.”
A relationship that is healthy, even if it does not last forever, begins with knowing that we are complete with or without that other person in our lives, and having a desire to share that completeness with another, hoping to enhance their lives and yours in the process of sharing. We all need help along the way, and none of us live in this perfect little love zone all of the time, but it is what healthy relationships are based on, and what they return to when the dramas in life end. In fact, getting back to that space is what causes the drama to end.
Further, Rhea, we most often think of “relationships” as having to do with romance. In reality, we are having a relationship with everything in our world all the time. We know who we are relative to all that is around us, and how we act on those relationships depends on our thoughts about those things, including our thoughts about who we are. Our thoughts create our experience. Hard to believe, I know, when we are in the middle of traumatic changes in our lives, like the ones you are going through right now. Our thoughts do create our experiences, (not to be confused with events) and you can change your experience right now by changing your thoughts about why this is happening. One very good tool, among many good tools out there, to help you change your thoughts, is the book, “When Everything Changes, Change Everything” that Neale wrote. (Information about the website is below, and the book can be read for free on the website!)
I am a person who always looks for the “silver lining” in things. Even when things that appear awful are happening, my mind goes back to the times when things looked hopeless, yet they ultimately proved to be things that opened up doors for me. (For instance, the hopeless co-worker relationship actually had to happen to me, so that I wouldn’t be attached to that job, and I was open to the next.) When I do simply accept that there is more, my mind relaxes and gives me a break. I calm down and am able to let my mind filter what my soul is saying. Can you see even a tiny bit of silver? Can you look back at anything in your life and see the silver lining now, that you couldn’t see then?
Rhea, “justice”, by the way, presumes that something is “wrong”. There is nothing wrong. Each person simply has their own soul path.
I am going to write a little story around what you say about your ex…I might look at him and think that he is a very insecure person. Why? Because he is looking for love and acceptance outside of himself. He seems to need validating by temporary things. Who he is, doesn’t seem to be enough for him. Which leads to many questions as to why…
What I have done, by doing this, Rhea, is write a story that moves me from pure judging, to looking for understanding of his actions. Not necessarily because I think that those actions are working for him in any way, but because I wish to understand that HE thinks that they are working…otherwise he wouldn’t be doing them.
We don’t have to stay with those people, Rhea, we don’t even have to fall out of love with those people, but when we move to understanding, we stop doing one very important thing:
We stop hurting ourselves.
And when we do that, we stop hurting those around us, even if we were hurting them unconsciously. (Maybe that’s what people are reacting to at work?)
And when we stop the hurting, things seem to fall into place…because we believe that they will.
Ask yourself, Rhea, what might be needing to be looked at within yourself that is causing you to feel that you need someone in your life who has said he doesn’t want to remain in yours. Is it because you are being treated unfairly in your “trade” agreement, or is it because you are not defining love in a way that includes yourself.
Therese
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.cwghelpingoutreach.com She may be contacted at: Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
An additional resource: The CWG Helping Outreach offers spiritual assistance from a team of non-professional/volunteer Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less. Nothing on the CCN site should be construed or is intended to take the place of or be in any way similar to professional therapeutic or counseling services. The site functions with the gracious willing assistance of lay persons without credentials or experience in the helping professions. What these volunteers possess is an awareness of the theology of Conversations with God. It is from this context that they offer insight, suggestions, and spiritual support during moments of unbidden, unexpected, or unwelcome change on the journey of life.
My animal survival instinct and my human ego tell me that my life (and the safety of my family) is more important than yours – but my soul tells me that it is not.
There, I’ve said it. Is that raw enough? Doesn’t that really sum up the reason that we consider going to war? That we kill each other in the streets? That we continue to fight over food, economic policies…over anything?
If you have read my previous articles, you know I usually approach parenting as it pertains to my young daughter. Well, during the recent crisis in Syria, I have had many discussions with my spiritual, peace-loving, twenty-year-old nephew. One struck me as odd and we played it out until the wee hours of the morning. He, like me and so many spiritual people, has been praying intently for a peaceful, non-violent resolution to the Syrian situation. He has visceral reactions at the thought of us intervening in another country with even targeted attacks; and he is adamant in his agreement that violence would beget more violence.
On this night, we discussed our shared feelings that no “collateral damage” is acceptable, as well as our wish that there was a way to break the cycle of war to end tyranny. We talked about how past acts, like what is going on in Syria, that have gone unchecked by the international community have come back to haunt the world when they became mass genocide later. But we both, again, stated wishes that we lived in a world where there were other viable answers than more violence. We acknowledged that there are no easy answers and stated that we didn’t envy any of the leaders and their decisions at this time; especially given the thought about retaliation if our government did decide to act with strikes.
And that’s when he surprised me.
As the conversation turned toward the long-term effects of waging violence against others and what happens when we continue to anger the rest of the world with our interventions and potentially have aggression toward our own soil, his demeanor and attitude changed. He is all about peace until he feels his own safety and security threatened. He almost became hawkish as he talked about protecting our soil at all costs. I gently began asking him questions, trying (mindfully) not to make his opinions wrong, about where he draws a line of difference. He stated that this is “our land” and “our people” and so we must protect them.
I asked him what border makes it “ours.” Is it our lawn? Our street? Our state? Our country? Our continent or hemisphere? I even posited that, within my understanding of “We Are All One” from Conversations with God, to me, “our” includes every human on earth as an equal and undivided part of me. With this in mind, we either love and protect, to the extent possible, every person on earth equally or we give up that façade and we try a different approach.
See, like most of you, I don’t know the answers to these burning questions. I don’t know how to end violence in the world. I hope and believe that the spiritual and prayerful push of the last week and a half had an effect on John Kerry’s off-hand remark, the Russian encouragement, and the Syrian apparent acquiescence to a possible chemical disarmament (try to say that 10 times fast).
But I cannot walk around feeling that American lives are superior and deserve to be protected above other lives. I cannot, as much as I love my daughter, my nephew, and my husband, carry a gun to protect them at the cost of killing another person. I just cannot value one life over another. I haven’t fully decided where self-defense fits in with spirituality (although I have been confronted with situations in which I knew I would not kill to protect myself), but we have to start somewhere to shift the paradigm away from violence. Someone has to be willing to “put the weapons down” and talk…
…And intelligence and diplomacy have to stop looking like weakness.
In the end, I may not have changed my nephew’s mind about protecting “us” at all costs. But I am hoping that on some level I have helped him to begin exploring a new level of the concept, understanding, and application of “We Are All One.”
What conversations have you had with your young ones about the conflict between violence and love?
(Emily A. Filmore is the Creative Co-Director of www.cwgforparents.com. She is also the author/illustrator of the “With My Child” Series of books about bonding with your child through everyday activities. Her books are available at www.withmychildseries.com. To contact Emily, please email her at Emily@cwgforparents.com.)
Respected sir/madam,
I have been in a very happy relationship for two years now, and both of us are very serious. We are sure that we want to spend the rest of our lives with each other. My boyfriend loves me very very much, but recently, I hurt him so deeply that he’s lost his trust in me.
We were in different cities when we fell in love.Let us say that I was in C and he was in G. Recently, I had a chance to visit G but unfortunately, he was visiting my town then. My chances of meeting him were anyway slim and I had a mental misconception that if I went to G, I’d feel much closer to him. We hadn’t been able to talk to each other to our heart’s contents for a while and we were feeling a little empty. We needed to feel closer to each other.
He didn’t tell me he wanted to take me there first (this was my first visit) but he made up a number of other reasons for me to not go. I justified all of them and in the end, he reluctantly agreed. He was angry with me but I wanted to go very very much so I thought that when all the bad things that he was afraid would happen wouldn’t happen he would forget about everything and everything would go back to being normal.
When I finally reached G, I realized that I had made the worst mistake of my life. I had heard so much about the place from him that when I so much as read the name of a road, I missed my boyfriend and cried and cried. I was travelling by bus and I called my boyfriend and cried to him and he was kind and sweet to me but he was hurting and missing me too.
I stayed in G for three days and missed him every second of that I was there. The only way I could distract myself was by talking to a group of boys who were really funny and warm. I generally don’t interact with boys much unless it is for work and he does the same with girls. We prefer it that way and we feel safe and comfortable in our routine. I knew he wouldn’t like my doing it, but I justified it because I didn’t have any proper girl friends with me and well….truthfully, what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.
I’ve never lied to him before this and I hate myself for doing it now. I took a picture with a boy and I am grinning widely in it. I swear up and down right now that I wasn’t happy there. Sure I danced a little and smiled a little but I kept wishing that I was there with him not with a group of people I didn’t even like all that much.
Anyway, now this picture? I fabricated the truth a little and told him that other people took it by crook and I hadn’t actually posed for it. Yes, I lied to him. But I swear I never have before this.
The next day, I played in the water on the beach and went out at night and he’d told me not to because in that part of the country, they were both very unsafe and stupid things to do. But I completely forgot his strict instructions and did both of those things. I am an idiot.
When I came back home to C, I sent him a copy of that picture and came clean. In my favour, I’d like to say that I was the only one with a copy of that picture and I still sent it to him because I couldn’t stand to lie to him.
He saw it and was very very very hurt. He said he couldn’t trust me anymore because even though he’d asked me not to, I went into the water and went out at night and that if something had happened to me, he’d have lost me forever. He was also very hurt that I took a picture I anyway shouldn’t have but the fact that it was in G, where he and I were supposed to go alone for the first time, made it much much worse.
I was so guilty that to prove to him that I love him very very much I cut myself for the first time in my life. I agree it was the stupidest thing I could have ever done, but…..oh, well. What’s done is done. He got mad about that too. Said I needed a psychiatrist.
He’s ready to give me another chance but he is hurt. And he says mean things when he is hurt and they hurt me and there is simply a whole lot of hurt going around. What do I do? Please help me? I want to make things okay again. He says he I hurt him so much that he is numb and that he is beginning to lose faith in love and that he has no interest in going to G with me or otherwise again because the place is ruined for him. What do I do? That was our honeymoon spot 🙁
Yours sincerely,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Wow!, I’m practically out of breath reading this…I can only imagine how draining it is to you actually living it.
Susan, the only betrayal in this whole long story is to yourself. It is said that betrayal of oneself, in order to not betray another, is still betrayal. In fact, it is the greatest betrayal of all.
Susan, what does love mean to you? If you yearn for another, and cannot live a day without that other without crying, does that mean you love that other? I don’t believe that to be true. To me, it means that you have handed your happiness to another, believing that happiness is something that is given to you by another. Susan, dearest Susan, we create our own happiness, and misery, given our thought about a thing.
It feels to me as though you are allowing your boyfriend to control your life. A truly loving partner would have informed you of the dangers in city G, and upon finding out what you did, merely expressed relief that you hadn’t been harmed. The dumping of guilt upon you is control, not love. (Well, it IS love, in the strictest sense, since all negative emotion is distorted love, but I hope you understand what I am saying in this context.)
You see, Susan, Love wants for you what you want for you. If you feel you would enjoy having a wide variety of friends in your life, now, and even (especially?) after you should marry, then your partner should want that for you. His inability to trust you now is his problem, not yours, because it shows that he wants for you, what HE wants for you, and not necessarily what you want for you.
Just as an aside…I would, personally, question why my partner had so many reasons for me to NOT come and visit in the first place.
As to your cutting. Obviously you know that that behavior doesn’t really work for you. It is a symptom of something larger, to be sure. I would agree with your partner that professional help would be of benefit. I lean towards body-centered psychotherapy, but there are many good professionals.
Which leads me back to my earlier question: What does Love mean to you, Susan? Not, “what do I have to do to get someone to love me?” There is a very good little book, by Neale Donald Walsch, called “Neale Donald Walsch on Relationships” that I believe could be invaluable in helping you gain insight. It is a very short, easy read. I got my copy for just a little money at an on-line used book store.
Sweetie, guilt, stress, worry, anger, hurting yourself…these are all indicators that something is not working. I have told my daughters what I am going to tell you now…Love should bring Joy. Yes, it takes dedication, and effort, but it shouldn’t be a constant struggle, especially in the early stages. If it is a struggle from the beginning, consider that it might not be any better going forward. Consider choosing again…and again, and again until you find a relationship that doesn’t require you betraying yourself to have.
Therese
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.cwghelpingoutreach.com She may be contacted at: Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
An additional resource: The CWG Helping Outreach offers spiritual assistance from a team of non-professional/volunteer Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less. Nothing on the CCN site should be construed or is intended to take the place of or be in any way similar to professional therapeutic or counseling services. The site functions with the gracious willing assistance of lay persons without credentials or experience in the helping professions. What these volunteers possess is an awareness of the theology of Conversations with God. It is from this context that they offer insight, suggestions, and spiritual support during moments of unbidden, unexpected, or unwelcome change on the journey of life.
I just finished watching the 2011 documentary, Happy. It examines the happiness levels of people across many different cultures: from the slums of India, to the bush of Africa, to the beaches of Brazil, to the city streets of industrialized world. Along the way, it seems to discover that feeling gratitude, compassion, connection to others, responsibility toward the earth and helping others are some main ingredients to happiness. This film was rich with ideas that can apply to parenting in the New Spirituality, and I thought I would touch on a couple of them here to open our minds and hearts a little to help our children find their own internal happiness.
By the end of the movie, you are left with a clear sense that happiness comes through your decisions in both your actions and the thoughts you hold about your life. The Conversations with God core concept “We are all one” fits well with their ideas. When we allow ourselves to feel our connectedness and realize that what we do for another, we do for ourselves, we can feel spiritual fulfillment on a profound level.
One of the stories in the documentary was about a woman who was involved in a terrible accident. She had overcome so many obstacles in healing from her disfiguring injuries and even stated that she felt she had a happier life after the accident than before. She had found new meaning in her life and was now helping other people. She could have looked at her 30 reconstructive surgeries and shut down, caught up in the unfairness of it all, but instead she chose to create her own positive experience of the situation. She chose to live each day with renewed purpose and gratitude. She is a great example of how one can “create your own reality” (a core concept from Conversations with God).
In watching the film with my daughter and twenty-year-old nephew, I was thinking about ways we could re-dedicate ourselves to these concepts in our life. They discussed the influence society has on how happy we feel and the role that popular culture plays in making us feel inadequate. As parents, if we can instill in our children an ability to find fulfillment within, the external influences will have less effect on their happiness. The documentary proposed a few ideas to increase our internal happiness which are probably not new to you, but bear repeating:
1. They cited a study which shows that meditation (specifically a meditation about compassion) changes the structure of the brain.
2. Writing down five things for which you are grateful once per week increases happiness.
3. Showing kindness to others increases your happiness.
Adding just one of these activities to your life can make great changes in how you (and your children) feel! An easy way to begin is to start with the gratitude list or journal (something we have talked about before in this column). Just ask your child, “What made you happy today?” And help him or her write it down! For smaller children, this can be drawing pictures. For older children, it can be more involved using the word gratitude.
However you approach it, just know that you are giving your child an irreplaceable gift: The gift of happiness!
(Emily A. Filmore is the Creative Co-Director of www.cwgforparents.com. She is also the author/illustrator of the “With My Child” Series of books about bonding with your child through everyday activities. Her books are available at www.withmychildseries.com. To contact Emily, please email her at Emily@cwgforparents.com.)
Until now, I’ve avoided writing here about the mass shootings, the bombing, the natural disasters, and other recent tragedies in the world. I thought I would leave them to those who know what to say better than I. Today, I am moved to speak.
Much, I am sure, like you, my heart breaks when I hear of disasters. As a person, who feels the Conversations with God concept We Are All One to my core, I experience the loss of life as if those people are my own neighbors, people I know, not as nameless or faceless strangers. I weep for the people who are hurt or killed, their families and for society at large.
I do not feel more or less devastated when the tragedy is man-made or natural because I do not value any life more than another. While I sometimes wish we would find positive ways to prevent the “senseless” or “preventable” ones; I don’t think that changes their effect on society or their import. Times are tumultuous enough with all of the political and ideological unrest; another disaster, natural or otherwise, just seems like fuel on the fire of an already tense environment. Yet there will be those that want to capitalize on it for political or emotional points, who will make calls for banding together for the common good (a wonderful sentiment) but will forget those calls as soon as the dust settles and will be back to fighting again.
But how does all of this affect parenting? How does a person living in the New Spirituality handle discussions of tragedy in a home where children are present? I don’t have any answers for you, sorry! But maybe my ideas will help you brainstorm how you can deal with it in your own family. Remember: There is no such thing as right and wrong.
Honestly, my ideas about this are evolving as my daughter gets older. When she was very small (as in, a baby and couldn’t understand anything!) I thought I would always be honest with her – don’t sugarcoat, show her the world as it is, teach her how to process it – so that she will be equipped to handle it without being derailed.
Then as her personality became apparent my thoughts changed. She is very loving, sensitive and takes things seriously; she internalizes external events more than I would hope for her. So I backed off, became more protective of her knowledge and began to show her the selective truth about tragedy. Shielding her from the more gruesome, gory details, and in some cases (the Newtown Shootings, specifically) not telling her about them at all until days later. But recently, as she is becoming, simultaneously, more self-aware and more conscious of world events I am having a harder time insulating her completely.
I’m not surprised by change; I expect that, what I am surprised by is how difficult it is to walk the tight rope of information-giving. Do you have this same challenge with your child? Children are inquisitive and they want to know what is going on in the world around them; yet they also want to feel safe and sheltered.
My fear…I admit it even though I know Love is all there is, I still experience fear from time to time…my fear or trepidation is that it is all so confusing for adults, how are children going to process it? And what can we, as parents, do to help them? There is a wonderful quote by Mr. Rogers about finding the helpers in times of tragedy to help children focus on the positive. There is probably merit in that, but how can we further help our children to assuage their feelings of insecurity after something bad happens?
I don’t know. My daughter slept with us last night due to the storms that came through Missouri after she heard a little bit about the Oklahoma tornado. She just could not sleep otherwise. I guess in that moment, she felt insecure alone. After the Boston bombings – we tried to insulate her as much as possible but you would have had to go “radio silent” for 3 weeks to have avoided all discussions – she questioned me constantly in public places about how you would know if someone had a bomb. I did everything I could to reassure her that while we never know what will happen next mommy will always protect her to the best of my ability.
We talk a lot about how life is unexpected and that We create our own reality means, not that we can control what happens around us, but that we can control how we live in, how we interpret, and how we let events affect us. I don’t know that I am doing it “right” for her, only time will tell. All I know is that I am answering her every question with love and as much honesty as I can. I hold her tight and I try to calm her fears. I spend my days trying to fill her life with exploration, beauty, light, nature and connection to others. The rest, how she interprets the world internally, is up to her, as it is with every human being!
My wish today is for peace and healing to come to those in Oklahoma. That people there feel the light and love of us all as they go through these next few days.
Namaste…Emily
(Emily A. Filmore is the Creative Co-Director of www.cwgforparents.com. She is also the author/illustrator of the “With My Child” Series of books about bonding with your child through everyday activities. Her books are available at www.withmychildseries.com. To contact Emily, please email her at Emily@cwgforparents.com.)
Lately it seems like I’m surrounded with sadness, tragedy, drama, and heavy, heavy emotions. Most of the time this is coming from people around me, as I am usually the one my friends and family go to when something is troubling them. Right now it’s more than usual, and with the tragedies happening in the world lately I’m not quite sure how to handle any of it, I feel so overwhelmed by how bad things really seem to be right now. How do I handle the heaviness of it all and help make a difference?!
Juan, Pennsylvania
Hi Juan,
I hear you, and I agree with you, there seems to be a lot more upheaval right now than usual, or at least many of us are more aware of it that usual. And with Monday’s explosions in Boston a lot of people are at a loss as to what to do. I encourage you to read Neale’s headline article of this newspaper, which you can access here. It offers great insight, hope and solutions as to what we as a whole can do, how we can help shift the way humanity has been living. In terms of dealing with the emotions of it all, read on.
When problems arise, or tragedy strikes, we are often left with shocked and outraged reactions, as well as with a lot of desperate questions (“who would do such thing”, “why doesn’t somebody do something about this”, “what else could go wrong?” etc.). This is our way of recognizing that we are not okay with what happened, we are not in alignment with this, and it’s a perfectly normal response. Those emotions and reactions can be really difficult to deal with, and if they’re not processed or dealt with properly, can turn into depression, despair, extreme fear and hopelessness, among other things. When not dealt with or processed, they also contribute to the problem, not the solution.
So the trick to dealing with these emotions, then, is to first acknowledge what you’re feeling and let whatever that is be okay – meet yourself where you’re at, talk to someone, journal about it. But don’t stay there. Instead, ask yourself, “Who am I in light of this? Who do I want to be here?” Then find ways to express and demonstrate that. This is when our normal initial “reactions” turn into conscious creation.
Furthermore, make it your business to focus on nothing but love, gratitude, kindness and compassion, and express that, too. Energetically speaking, this is the most powerful thing we can do in such situations, whether it’s in response to a worldwide tragedy or some trouble in your personal life. Focusing on the negative aspects simply magnifies them, draws more negativity, and as I said above, contributes to the problem. Shifting your attention to the good consistently raises your vibration, and the vibration of the world, contributing to the solution.
Let’s be clear about something, though, this is not what some refer to as a “spiritual bypass”, an increasingly popular term some people in New Age and New Thought arenas like to use to describe using positivity as avoiding and ignoring the problem, invalidating the emotions that come up. That’s not what this is at all. Remember, my very first suggested step here was to acknowledge how you feel and let it be okay. What we’re doing here is transforming those emotions, or energy (emotions = energy in motion), into something more useful. Instead of wallowing in despair, hopelessness, and frustration, we are choosing to raise our vibration and get into alignment with Who We Really Are, and it is from this place that we gain clarity and access to the actions we can take, from a place of love instead of fear.
I believe this is how we transform the fear, hate, violence and separation in the world (both on a large, worldwide scale and smaller, personal scale) into love, peace, compassion and unity. It starts with each of us, the individual, doing our part, taking responsibility for our role in this Universe. So I challenge you, Juan, and anyone else who may be reading this, to take the steps above. And when you reach that place of clarity, love and alignment, see what you’re inspired to do from there. Perhaps it’s joining a cause or organization that is taking specific steps towards a solution, perhaps it’s coming up with a brand new one no one has ever thought of. Or perhaps it’s a deep shift within you where kindness, love, and compassion towards all becomes your first language from now on.
Thanks for being willing to do your part, Juan.
(Nova Wightman is a CWG Life Coach, as well as the owner and operator of Go Within Life Coaching, www.gowithincoaching.com, specializing in helping individuals blend their spirituality with their humanity in a way that makes life more enjoyable, easy, and fulfilling. She can be reached at Nova@theglobalconversation.com. )
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to: Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
An additional resource: ChangingChange.net offers spiritual assistance from a team of non-professional/volunteer Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less. Nothing on the CCN site should be construed or is intended to take the place of or be in any way similar to professional therapeutic or counseling services. The site functions with the gracious willing assistance of lay persons without credentials or experience in the helping professions. What these volunteers possess is an awareness of the theology of Conversations with God. It is from this context that they offer insight, suggestions, and spiritual support during moments of unbidden, unexpected, or unwelcome change on the journey of life.
