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God ends chapter 18 of CWG book 3 saying:
“Your Grandest ideas are as yet unexpressed, and your grandest vision unlived.
But wait! Look! Notice!! The days of your blossoming are at hand. The stalk has grown strong, and the petals are soon to open. And I tell you this: The beauty and the fragrance of your flowering shall fill the land, and you shall yet have your place in the Garden of the Gods.”
I’d like to lighten things up a bit today. No complaining. No calling people out.
Today I would like to compliment humanity! I’d like to take notice of what we are doing right…what is actually working!
Of course, the largest thing to point out is that there are so many of us having the conversations that could change our world! We are actively talking about spirituality in politics, we are talking about the environment and its economic and social impact. And we are doing more than talking. We are actually deciding that we are the ones who can do something about what we see.
We are doing things large and small. People like Marianne Williamson are moving from their comfort zones and entering the political fray. Housewives like me are moving out of the house and onto the blogosphere and into the streets and honoring our hippy heritage! We are turning off lights, installing water efficient toilets, walking, biking, driving fuel efficient cars. We are taking care of our bodies. I, personally, have not used shampoo (baking soda and water only!) for over a year; I do not drink soda, I have gone to a naturopath to lower my blood pressure instead of using drugs. We are recycling and re-using. We are noticing what the human impact is having on creatures large and small, and all of nature.
In other words, we are walking the walk, not just talking the talk. We are Being the change we wish to see…or at least more and more are doing so…and more than we know are doing so.
I know it may seem as though nothing we do will make any difference in the total scheme of things…but that would be a wrong thought. Everything we do makes a difference. There is no separating one another from what we do. There is no one whose effort, no matter how seemingly small, is less than. For, just as the ocean is made up of billions of individual drops of water, so, too, is global change made up of billions of small changes. Our living the change is going to demonstrate, to all who see, our understanding of who we are, and our Oneness, and invite them to examine a different way. Let’s not be arrogant and fall into the trap of thinking our way is the only way, but be open to all ideas.
I am patting us all on the head for starting the dialog, because all great change begins with small conversations, as Neale has pointed out in his most eloquent way. I am giving us all the thumbs up for doing our small part…for creating our places in the Garden of the Gods.
Today I leave you with a little poem that I wrote:
T.
DROP
A pool of deep,black,
Water,
Light glowing upon the
Surface,
Illuminating the endless
Circles,
Created by the single
Drop.
Do you see it?
Asked
God.
I said,
Yes.
Then, said
God,
Be
The
Drop.
~Therese
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of, and Spiritual Helper at, the global website at www.cwghelpingoutreach.com She may be contacted at: Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
The gladiators stand in the tunnel surveying the crowd, awaiting their fate, hoping to have some control of the outcome. The crowd, that fickle crowd, will decide, in the end, the death or the glory of the gladiator.
Bones crunch, heads snap, bodies bleed, when body hits body at full speed. The gladiator rises, again and again, to meet the onslaught of his opponent. Sweating, cursing his body for not doing what he thought he had trained it to do in preparation for this day, this event. He’s done this before…fought for his life and his glory before, but today that crowd is different. It’s not on his side today.
He’s known this day would come for as long as he could remember. As a youth he knew his ability in the games of youth set him apart, but he could see what happened to those lesser bodies that succumbed to even minor injuries. Thumbs down. His physical presence was destined to raise him above his social circumstances, but he also knew he would one day pay the price.
When his tendon snapped, and his knee bent backward with the onslaught of the physical wall, he knew this would be the day he would pay that price. This was the thumbs down day he dreaded. This was the day his life, as he knew it, would end.
The crowd gasped. The crowd applauded his lifelong effort to survive and entertain them….and then the crowd turned their thumbs down and walked away, because, in their secret heart of hearts, this was exactly what they came to see…the falling of the best of the best. The mighty fallen.
Sound like a story of ancient Rome? It should, but it is also the same sad game being played out in arenas today, even though it is called something different. In America one of the the most violent incarnations is called Football.
Football is arena war. Football is using the young, raising them up, and then abandoning them when they can no longer entertain. Too many players with identities caught up exclusively in the sport. Football glorifies violence, just as does the military, and says that the positive things it instills, like teamwork and discipline, supersede the foundational premise of the game. This is the public relations lie. Domination, winner vs. loser, bragging rights…superiority. It is among the accepted ways of channeling testosterone when there is no war, and working testosterone into a frenzy of camaraderie when there is.
Beyond even that, sports, like football, (I am staying with one sport, knowing there are definitely others that can be mentioned!) say to the player and the watcher that the physical is more important than the mind and spirit of that player. When we identify with that scenario, the scenario of only the strong survive, might makes right, outward vs. inward, we play our part in the manipulation of the world paradigm. This paradigm says that the strong in any way (physical, wealth, mental) are entitled to dominate, and manipulate to get what they desire. In fact, the thought, in some religions is just that… they are chosen by God to have that entitlement.
This paradigm manipulates us into living externally…the right clothes, all you can eat to the detriment of your body, bigger, better, shinier, this vodka will get you the guy/girl, this beer is macho, this car…don’t stop to feel, think. If you did, you might not really see yourself in your own life any more.
I can no longer watch games of dominance with a passive eye. There is room for individualism even in the win-win model. A person can “win” by simply knowing that on this day their skill worked to give them their desired result. Others can know they did not lose, they merely had the opportunity to enjoy, use, and know their bodies, and the result of scoring the most points was not met. No shame, no dominations, but still knowing who you are as an individual even in the physical arena.
Surely humanity can accept and develop games and challenges that do not require mimicking war. Surely we can know ourselves as strong and capable without requiring certain physical jeopardy to do so. Surely we, as the observers, can do so without the desire to see blood and defeat…and surely we observers can extend an embrace rather than a thumbs down to those who did not meet their desired result.
The new Gladiator knows that he/she is valued for all they are. Valued for the perfection of body, valued for the openness of their hearts, and valued for their Spirit which knows only Love, and never even thinks about a thumbs down. Even when the game ends. Especially when the game ends.
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of, and Spiritual Helper at, the global website at www.cwghelpingoutreach.com She may be contacted at: Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
Dear Therese,
Well, it’s that time of year again. The time of year that I start out with good intentions to be cheerful and helpful and not get upset by my husband’s family. But Thanksgiving was a disaster, and I am so very worried that Christmas will be the same.
Here’s the thing. Every year for the past 14 years it is the same story. My husband’s sisters just let their mother do all of the work in the kitchen, and the fellas are off in the living room watching the football games, and I am the only one in the kitchen helping my mother-in-law! The ladies are all drunk, and there is an inevitable fight that breaks out, and they accuse me of not joining in with the family. I want to be part of my husband’s family, but how can I do this?
Not so jolly Joanna in Illinois.
Dear Joanna,
Boy, will a lot of people resonate with this one!
I am going to make the usual suggestions, like, can you alternate holidays, or find a way to limit your time at the event? Have you tried actually asking your husband’s sisters, or mother, just what they think you could do to fit in better? Sometimes communication does actually work, but we really don’t want to risk the status quo, (even though it sucks) being made worse…and we don’t like to acknowledge it, but even that is a choice.
Now I am going to ask a question. Just how is this serving you? What is it that you are getting from playing this little scene over and over? Until you figure out what that might be, you may just keep on playing your role in perpetuity. So, Joanna, do you enjoy being the “victim”? Do you secretly enjoy being “superior”? Maybe you are being given the opportunity to say “no” (and not taking it)? Do you really want to be part of this family, or is that just something you say because it is the “proper” way to feel? Joanna, there are so very many things that could be going on, and only you, of course, can honestly answer the question for yourself.
There is a word I used there that is very important, Joanna…opportunity. Life continues to give us the opportunities we require to have this journey as our soul desires, and sometimes those opportunities look like difficult choices and honesty with ones self. If the same thing keeps happening over and over again, it is a pretty sure bet that there is something you are not willing to look at.
Once you have answered the question above, ask yourself this question: Is this serving me in the way I would really prefer? If the answer is “no”, then ask yourself how you could see yourself acting differently, if you had the courage…would you walk out of the kitchen and ask for help? Would you leave your mother-in-law alone in the kitchen? Might you re-think those moments in the kitchen and cherish the one on one time with her?
You see, Joanna, once we look at who we are Being in any circumstance, we get to decide if we are happy or miserable…we get to actually choose which one serves us in that moment! AND get to decide that we can do the same thing we have always done, but, as “The Only Thing That Matters” says, do it for an entirely different purpose. We can know that even the mundane, and the painful are spiritual events, and we get to choose to look at them one way or the other.
I’ll bet, Joanna, that if you go to the Christmas event with the mindset that you are going to look at each person as individuations of Divinity…if you decide to BE the calm center in whatever chaos may ensue…that you will have a very different experience than before…and you may even see the family transform before your eyes as well. But even if they don’t, you will have transformed your own unhappiness, and that seems like a pretty good gift to give yourself!
Therese
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.cwghelpingoutreach.com She may be contacted at: Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
An additional resource: The CWG Helping Outreach offers spiritual assistance from a team of non-professional/volunteer Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less. Nothing on the CCN site should be construed or is intended to take the place of or be in any way similar to professional therapeutic or counseling services. The site functions with the gracious willing assistance of lay persons without credentials or experience in the helping professions. What these volunteers possess is an awareness of the theology of Conversations with God. It is from this context that they offer insight, suggestions, and spiritual support during moments of unbidden, unexpected, or unwelcome change on the journey of life.
Dear Therese,
A friend and I have been doing things together twice a week for almost ten years. We enjoy our time together, and have many things in common, but that’s not the problem. My problem is that I always drive, because she doesn’t, and she has never once offered to pay me for gas. Until recently that wasn’t an issue, because the places we like to go are in her area, but I am on a fixed income and would sure like to keep costs down for me, and there are things much closer to me that I could go to, instead of by her. How do I tell her?
W.H. in Wisconsin
Dear W.H.,
The simple answer, W.H., is tell her exactly what you just told me! You’ve given no indication that she is abusive or unreasonable, which probably means that she has likely fallen into the habit of letting you pay. Is it possible that when this arrangement began you consistently told her it was your pleasure, or no problem, or you liked doing this? Sweetie, if you don’t speak up, you will never know if there really is a problem! It could be that she is very willing to pay, just doesn’t know circumstances have changed for you.
Your predicament is a microcosm of a much larger social problem, of course. We are encouraged to give, but not told why. The “why” is because this life isn’t about us, it is about how our lives touch and improve the lives others. (Put very simply , of course) What we aren’t really told these days, is that all benefits must be mutual. The mutual ultimately boils down to the joy of giving, but being the human beings that we are, it often takes something a little more concrete to demonstrate mutuality. For sure it means that one person can not take advantage of another. When generosity is abused the energy of the relationship changes, and we feel it.
Then comes the next predicament. We are also told that we have to be nice. We are encouraged to avoid conflict. We are fearful that other people won’t like us. None of these things are necessarily wrong, until they stop us from being true to ourselves. When we stop being true to ourselves, W.H., we also stop giving from our joy, and our giving becomes tainted.
When our giving no longer comes from our joy, as is demonstrated in your case, it effects relationships. Your friend, W.H., has no way of knowing that something has changed unless you tell her. Chances are she suspects, by your behavior, or some subtle changes in you, but she can not really know until you tell her your truth. I suggest you tell her very gently, but directly, that your circumstances have changed. Don’t just stop doing things with her and go to places closer without giving her a chance to give back to you. Who knows, she may have been hiding information from you about her finances or other things, and may wish to talk to you, too. This one thing may actually open up a whole new avenue of communication between the two of you.
We just never know where standing in our own truth, even in seemingly simple things, will take us!
Therese
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.cwghelpingoutreach.com She may be contacted at: Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
An additional resource: The CWG Helping Outreach offers spiritual assistance from a team of non-professional/volunteer Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less. Nothing on the CCN site should be construed or is intended to take the place of or be in any way similar to professional therapeutic or counseling services. The site functions with the gracious willing assistance of lay persons without credentials or experience in the helping professions. What these volunteers possess is an awareness of the theology of Conversations with God. It is from this context that they offer insight, suggestions, and spiritual support during moments of unbidden, unexpected, or unwelcome change on the journey of life.
A good friend of mine is going through some major changes in her life – angry separation from family, decrease in career/income, and her gentleman friend called and told her he’d found someone new.
She’s in a panic and turning to me and another good friend for support. I offered her the WECCE book, which she started to read and then put down. At this time she’s in no mood to hear that these changes may be for her own good and/or that she created them.
I want to support her, but am unsure what to say to her or do for her. I cannot in honesty say “poor dear”, because I DO believe WECCE (it’s worked in my life many times). I can agree with her that it’s a frightening and sad time for her, but she’s not ready to hear that the choice not to be frightened and sad has to come from within herself.
I’ve told her that I know (from experience) that there’s really nothing I can say to make her feel better, that’s a decision she must make for herself. But that I will support her totally in her choices to create the life she really wants, and that I love her.
At one point in WECCE Neil says to stay with a feeling until it no longer serves you. Maybe that’s what she’s doing – staying with the saddness, anger and fear until it no longer serves? Then when she asks for help, what does a friend say?
Thanks, K
Dear K,
You have given her the book, and when/if it is time for her to read it, she will. How lucky she is to have a friend like you who cares enough to not just talk, but to give tools!
There is nothing wrong, by the way, with saying, “poor dear” to her at this point in her changes, K. This human experience is all too real and all too painful, more so for some than others. Saying “poor dear” now, does not mean that you must continue to do so, which would, of course, be enabling her to not even consider changing her mind about what is going on. So, yes, for now she must experience sadness, anger and fear until it no longer serves her…but, of course, everything does eventually serve.
The mistake that your friend may be making, regarding the “she created them” statements in the book, is forgetting that we are co-creators…and even then we are co-creating on a Soul level, and for a Soul purpose! We most often have no direct control over the total picture, because we are rarely alone in that picture! However, and this is the big “however”, we do have control over our own reactions to the events of our lives. The big lie, if you will, is that we can not consciously control who we are, in any given situation. WECCE, as you know, gives us tools on how to do just that. It gives us tools to overcome past data and become conscious co-creators and not victims. The biggest example I give is Nelson Mandella. He was in prison for many years, unjustly, and yet he knew that this was just his external circumstance, and that it had nothing to do with who he really is. The same can be said of Jesus, or Ghandi, and many others. There were surely people in that same prison with Mandella, imprisoned falsely, who thought of themselves as victims. The two thieves on the cross with Jesus…one found gratitude and love, the other stayed in victimhood. They each made a choice.
You might consider, when you are around your friend, and she is negative and in victim mode, asking her gentle questions and gently pointing out different ways of looking at things. For instance, when she points out how horrible her boyfriend is, you might ask her if it isn’t a good thing that he isn’t lying to her any more so she can move on with her life in truth…or if it isn’t a good thing that she isn’t taking any more risk of disease. I am sure you get where I am going. There is always a positive side, if one is willing to change their mind.
Of course, if the negativity continues, it may come to the point you refer to above, and you simply have to say, “I can see that you are hurting, but I can also see that none of the things that I have said mean anything to you right now. I would like you to find the help and support you require, but it is clearly not coming from me right now. I love you, and will be here when you think I can really be of help to you, but I can’t just sit here and let you live in misery and enable you to do so.”
I would encourage you to encourage her to look at what fear (panic) is doing to her, and see that it doesn’t really serve her in the way she might think it is serving her. Those are emotions that only cause us to stay in place, whilst looking backward with longing…but she can change her mind about her future!
Thank you for coming here, and thank you for being a good friend, K!
Therese
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.cwghelpingoutreach.com She may be contacted at: Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
An additional resource: The CWG Helping Outreach offers spiritual assistance from a team of non-professional/volunteer Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less. Nothing on the CCN site should be construed or is intended to take the place of or be in any way similar to professional therapeutic or counseling services. The site functions with the gracious willing assistance of lay persons without credentials or experience in the helping professions. What these volunteers possess is an awareness of the theology of Conversations with God. It is from this context that they offer insight, suggestions, and spiritual support during moments of unbidden, unexpected, or unwelcome change on the journey of life.
I have been having some serious family issues lately, and, I admit, the sound must carry to the neighbors. I have a religious neighbor (we obviously have very different views and parenting styles) who, out of the blue, came up to tell me, in a condescending way, that they pray for us all the time. She is so judgmental! Now, if it someone were to say that to you, how would you respond in a shove it up your you-know-what, kindly kind of way??
Hillery in Montana
Dear Hillery,
Very simply, I would thank her for her kind thoughts. And tell her I can use all the kind thoughts I can get!
I would also not assume that she is without drama/trauma in her own life, so I might also tell her that I would keep her in my prayers as well.
You referred to how judgmental she is…let her judge. You are also judging her. There is a difference between noticing what is, and being judgmental, BTW. When there is a negative emotion that attaches itself to our perception of the other person, as opposed to the action, we have moved into judgment. It is natural to react to this emotion. It is also likely clear to her that you feel this way, and that you don’t think that her way is okay. So, the cycle of judgment keeps going on and on.
But you can stop that cycle, Hillery, simply by noticing what you are doing, noticing that she is doing the best she can, and change your mind about her. How? Just take what she really means, (that she knows things are not perfect in your world, and you could likely use a little help), and throw out the doctrine and judgment she brings to it. That simple shift removes your judgment moving back at her.
There is a very good chance that she felt awkward about saying anything to you, and that she had to muster up the courage to speak to you. Further, is it also possible that your reaction to her words is your embarrassment in knowing that others know you are struggling, and are witnessing the drama? Is it possible that you don’t think it is okay what is happening in your life? We do seem to want the outside world to see only the perfect little family picture, don’t we?
Sweet Hillary, is it also possible that the judgment you are reacting to is your self judgment? If so, stop. Change your mind. Don’t let fear (embarrassment) and judgment hold you in place. Let the energy of her, in essence, saying, “You are not alone.”, be what flows through you. Know that Divinity does not expect perfection from you, because She thinks you are already perfect, no matter that it may appear it is not.
You may even wish to strike up a conversation with your neighbor, from a new perspective. Who knows, she may have been reaching out to you from her pain, and you may be able to help each other. This might actually be the perfect time to teach her a new prayer:
Thank you Creator/God, for letting me know that this problem has already been solved. Please help me now to see my part in that solution.
Therese
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.cwghelpingoutreach.com She may be contacted at: Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
An additional resource: The CWG Helping Outreach offers spiritual assistance from a team of non-professional/volunteer Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less. Nothing on the CCN site should be construed or is intended to take the place of or be in any way similar to professional therapeutic or counseling services. The site functions with the gracious willing assistance of lay persons without credentials or experience in the helping professions. What these volunteers possess is an awareness of the theology of Conversations with God. It is from this context that they offer insight, suggestions, and spiritual support during moments of unbidden, unexpected, or unwelcome change on the journey of life.
I am so angry. I have been in a marriage for 32 years. I have been faithful. I have given him children. AND I have had a full time job. Now I find he wants a divorce, and wants to be free to be with other women. Now I am all alone, he wants to leave me with the kids, the stress is making my job performance suffer and I am at risk for losing my job, and he is off having his fun. I need him! Is this God being fair??
Rhea
Dear Rhea,
I am so sorry you are going through this right now. I get that it doesn’t seem fair.
Since I don’t have the luxury of an ongoing dialog, like I do over at The CWG Helping Outreach, I am going to be quite direct.
You talk about your relationship in terms of him getting what he wants, and you not being treated fairly…you do not speak of losing your soulmate, or the love of your life or any other endearing term. Which leads me to ask what you expected of marriage…why were you in the marriage? I often ask, and I will ask you: What is your definition of Love?
I think that what “Conversations With God” has to say about this subject is particularly pertinent right now. In chapter 8 of book 1, it talks about how we define Love. In this chapter God says:
“For most people, love is a response to need fulfillment.
Everyone has needs. You need this, another needs that. You both see in each other a chance for need fulfillment. So you agree—tacitly—to a trade. I’ll trade you what I’ve got if you’ll give me what you’ve got.
It’s a transaction. But you don’t tell the truth about it. You don’t say, “I trade you very much.” You say, “I love you very much,” and then the disappointment begins.”
A relationship that is healthy, even if it does not last forever, begins with knowing that we are complete with or without that other person in our lives, and having a desire to share that completeness with another, hoping to enhance their lives and yours in the process of sharing. We all need help along the way, and none of us live in this perfect little love zone all of the time, but it is what healthy relationships are based on, and what they return to when the dramas in life end. In fact, getting back to that space is what causes the drama to end.
Further, Rhea, we most often think of “relationships” as having to do with romance. In reality, we are having a relationship with everything in our world all the time. We know who we are relative to all that is around us, and how we act on those relationships depends on our thoughts about those things, including our thoughts about who we are. Our thoughts create our experience. Hard to believe, I know, when we are in the middle of traumatic changes in our lives, like the ones you are going through right now. Our thoughts do create our experiences, (not to be confused with events) and you can change your experience right now by changing your thoughts about why this is happening. One very good tool, among many good tools out there, to help you change your thoughts, is the book, “When Everything Changes, Change Everything” that Neale wrote. (Information about the website is below, and the book can be read for free on the website!)
I am a person who always looks for the “silver lining” in things. Even when things that appear awful are happening, my mind goes back to the times when things looked hopeless, yet they ultimately proved to be things that opened up doors for me. (For instance, the hopeless co-worker relationship actually had to happen to me, so that I wouldn’t be attached to that job, and I was open to the next.) When I do simply accept that there is more, my mind relaxes and gives me a break. I calm down and am able to let my mind filter what my soul is saying. Can you see even a tiny bit of silver? Can you look back at anything in your life and see the silver lining now, that you couldn’t see then?
Rhea, “justice”, by the way, presumes that something is “wrong”. There is nothing wrong. Each person simply has their own soul path.
I am going to write a little story around what you say about your ex…I might look at him and think that he is a very insecure person. Why? Because he is looking for love and acceptance outside of himself. He seems to need validating by temporary things. Who he is, doesn’t seem to be enough for him. Which leads to many questions as to why…
What I have done, by doing this, Rhea, is write a story that moves me from pure judging, to looking for understanding of his actions. Not necessarily because I think that those actions are working for him in any way, but because I wish to understand that HE thinks that they are working…otherwise he wouldn’t be doing them.
We don’t have to stay with those people, Rhea, we don’t even have to fall out of love with those people, but when we move to understanding, we stop doing one very important thing:
We stop hurting ourselves.
And when we do that, we stop hurting those around us, even if we were hurting them unconsciously. (Maybe that’s what people are reacting to at work?)
And when we stop the hurting, things seem to fall into place…because we believe that they will.
Ask yourself, Rhea, what might be needing to be looked at within yourself that is causing you to feel that you need someone in your life who has said he doesn’t want to remain in yours. Is it because you are being treated unfairly in your “trade” agreement, or is it because you are not defining love in a way that includes yourself.
Therese
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.cwghelpingoutreach.com She may be contacted at: Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
An additional resource: The CWG Helping Outreach offers spiritual assistance from a team of non-professional/volunteer Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less. Nothing on the CCN site should be construed or is intended to take the place of or be in any way similar to professional therapeutic or counseling services. The site functions with the gracious willing assistance of lay persons without credentials or experience in the helping professions. What these volunteers possess is an awareness of the theology of Conversations with God. It is from this context that they offer insight, suggestions, and spiritual support during moments of unbidden, unexpected, or unwelcome change on the journey of life.
Respected sir/madam,
I have been in a very happy relationship for two years now, and both of us are very serious. We are sure that we want to spend the rest of our lives with each other. My boyfriend loves me very very much, but recently, I hurt him so deeply that he’s lost his trust in me.
We were in different cities when we fell in love.Let us say that I was in C and he was in G. Recently, I had a chance to visit G but unfortunately, he was visiting my town then. My chances of meeting him were anyway slim and I had a mental misconception that if I went to G, I’d feel much closer to him. We hadn’t been able to talk to each other to our heart’s contents for a while and we were feeling a little empty. We needed to feel closer to each other.
He didn’t tell me he wanted to take me there first (this was my first visit) but he made up a number of other reasons for me to not go. I justified all of them and in the end, he reluctantly agreed. He was angry with me but I wanted to go very very much so I thought that when all the bad things that he was afraid would happen wouldn’t happen he would forget about everything and everything would go back to being normal.
When I finally reached G, I realized that I had made the worst mistake of my life. I had heard so much about the place from him that when I so much as read the name of a road, I missed my boyfriend and cried and cried. I was travelling by bus and I called my boyfriend and cried to him and he was kind and sweet to me but he was hurting and missing me too.
I stayed in G for three days and missed him every second of that I was there. The only way I could distract myself was by talking to a group of boys who were really funny and warm. I generally don’t interact with boys much unless it is for work and he does the same with girls. We prefer it that way and we feel safe and comfortable in our routine. I knew he wouldn’t like my doing it, but I justified it because I didn’t have any proper girl friends with me and well….truthfully, what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.
I’ve never lied to him before this and I hate myself for doing it now. I took a picture with a boy and I am grinning widely in it. I swear up and down right now that I wasn’t happy there. Sure I danced a little and smiled a little but I kept wishing that I was there with him not with a group of people I didn’t even like all that much.
Anyway, now this picture? I fabricated the truth a little and told him that other people took it by crook and I hadn’t actually posed for it. Yes, I lied to him. But I swear I never have before this.
The next day, I played in the water on the beach and went out at night and he’d told me not to because in that part of the country, they were both very unsafe and stupid things to do. But I completely forgot his strict instructions and did both of those things. I am an idiot.
When I came back home to C, I sent him a copy of that picture and came clean. In my favour, I’d like to say that I was the only one with a copy of that picture and I still sent it to him because I couldn’t stand to lie to him.
He saw it and was very very very hurt. He said he couldn’t trust me anymore because even though he’d asked me not to, I went into the water and went out at night and that if something had happened to me, he’d have lost me forever. He was also very hurt that I took a picture I anyway shouldn’t have but the fact that it was in G, where he and I were supposed to go alone for the first time, made it much much worse.
I was so guilty that to prove to him that I love him very very much I cut myself for the first time in my life. I agree it was the stupidest thing I could have ever done, but…..oh, well. What’s done is done. He got mad about that too. Said I needed a psychiatrist.
He’s ready to give me another chance but he is hurt. And he says mean things when he is hurt and they hurt me and there is simply a whole lot of hurt going around. What do I do? Please help me? I want to make things okay again. He says he I hurt him so much that he is numb and that he is beginning to lose faith in love and that he has no interest in going to G with me or otherwise again because the place is ruined for him. What do I do? That was our honeymoon spot 🙁
Yours sincerely,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Wow!, I’m practically out of breath reading this…I can only imagine how draining it is to you actually living it.
Susan, the only betrayal in this whole long story is to yourself. It is said that betrayal of oneself, in order to not betray another, is still betrayal. In fact, it is the greatest betrayal of all.
Susan, what does love mean to you? If you yearn for another, and cannot live a day without that other without crying, does that mean you love that other? I don’t believe that to be true. To me, it means that you have handed your happiness to another, believing that happiness is something that is given to you by another. Susan, dearest Susan, we create our own happiness, and misery, given our thought about a thing.
It feels to me as though you are allowing your boyfriend to control your life. A truly loving partner would have informed you of the dangers in city G, and upon finding out what you did, merely expressed relief that you hadn’t been harmed. The dumping of guilt upon you is control, not love. (Well, it IS love, in the strictest sense, since all negative emotion is distorted love, but I hope you understand what I am saying in this context.)
You see, Susan, Love wants for you what you want for you. If you feel you would enjoy having a wide variety of friends in your life, now, and even (especially?) after you should marry, then your partner should want that for you. His inability to trust you now is his problem, not yours, because it shows that he wants for you, what HE wants for you, and not necessarily what you want for you.
Just as an aside…I would, personally, question why my partner had so many reasons for me to NOT come and visit in the first place.
As to your cutting. Obviously you know that that behavior doesn’t really work for you. It is a symptom of something larger, to be sure. I would agree with your partner that professional help would be of benefit. I lean towards body-centered psychotherapy, but there are many good professionals.
Which leads me back to my earlier question: What does Love mean to you, Susan? Not, “what do I have to do to get someone to love me?” There is a very good little book, by Neale Donald Walsch, called “Neale Donald Walsch on Relationships” that I believe could be invaluable in helping you gain insight. It is a very short, easy read. I got my copy for just a little money at an on-line used book store.
Sweetie, guilt, stress, worry, anger, hurting yourself…these are all indicators that something is not working. I have told my daughters what I am going to tell you now…Love should bring Joy. Yes, it takes dedication, and effort, but it shouldn’t be a constant struggle, especially in the early stages. If it is a struggle from the beginning, consider that it might not be any better going forward. Consider choosing again…and again, and again until you find a relationship that doesn’t require you betraying yourself to have.
Therese
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.cwghelpingoutreach.com She may be contacted at: Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
An additional resource: The CWG Helping Outreach offers spiritual assistance from a team of non-professional/volunteer Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less. Nothing on the CCN site should be construed or is intended to take the place of or be in any way similar to professional therapeutic or counseling services. The site functions with the gracious willing assistance of lay persons without credentials or experience in the helping professions. What these volunteers possess is an awareness of the theology of Conversations with God. It is from this context that they offer insight, suggestions, and spiritual support during moments of unbidden, unexpected, or unwelcome change on the journey of life.
Dear Therese,
Georgia here again. So what about the current state of affairs in this world? It is obvious, to me at least, that we are being lied to by so many that we have trusted to tell us the truth.
Take, for example, our weather patterns these days. Cloud formations that used to be rare are common place now. There is increasing evidence that the clouds are being chemically created. This brings us to two points. Barium and aluminum are being dropped on us something like 5000 times the norm. Just like gmo food, they are using us as guinea pigs to see the side effects. AND they are using the force of nature to the advantage of big business and government. I think they are purposely using these things to keep us scared and controlled. They are not using these things for the “good”. I think you would think long and hard about the effects of these chemicals if one of your kids was messed up in the head and the other other one couldn’t breathe bc of possibly being those guinea pigs.
We have the capability to manipulate something as big as the weather and it would be awesome. But now is no time to lay down and volunteer but a time to demand that we have a right to know what is being dumped on us. Because we lay down and take it, we are condoning to the “elites” that humanity has no value.
How are we to think of these things as spiritual opportunities??
Georgia
Wow! Georgia, I like that you are asking these questions! Putting the everyday reality into a spiritual perspective is sometimes very hard…almost impossible sometimes. Okay, I’ll give a spiritual explanation and some perspective on these things a shot here.
My thoughts: man can do just about anything. We can create and engineer even human life. Many think this to be a sin. Only God’s territory. As you know, I think we are all “gods”. (As CWG puts it, individuations of Divinity.) Engineering life, or engineering clouds, it isn’t about doing these things, but for what purpose they are being done. This, then, becomes a matter of individual and collective choice. Do I have a problem with engineered clouds being used to create water in a drought area? Or to recapture wasted water to refill the aquifers? No. Do I have a problem using them to cause destruction to profit big business and control the people? You betcha. So, personal and collective awareness is, as usual, the key (opportunity) to changing how we use our power…and that changes as we begin to view humanity as One. Realizing the butterfly effect is real. In Christian terms…what you do to the least of my brothers, you do unto me.
I would also urge you to keep open the possibility that at least some of these cloud/weather changes may be circumstantial, as opposed to insidious. Be very careful to avoid being sucked into the story of the way things are, and stay as much as possible in observing the facts (as you know them) of what you see.
Which actually takes me to the esoteric question of “why not”? If this life is but a continuation of life, and we really, as CWG states, have no life to lose, why not consciously agree to be the guinea pig to further the course of humanity? Why not volunteer?
Ahhh, there’s the key! We are NOT volunteering right now! But what if we were, for real, given that choice? Might that not change some things? Might life look more like an opportunity than it does now? What if we were told up front that there was going to be a section of this planet used to experiment on long term human effects?
Older people might volunteer to live in “chem zones” to give their children’s children a better life. Especially since much of the world is starving due to lack of rain for crops. We are sacrificing ourselves for far less noble things already.
Don’t mistake, please, that I think it is okay to be doing what they are doing, in the way they are currently doing things. Transparency…choice…is the key.
There is abundant room for changing how we look at life…and that’s exactly what this site is all about!
One more thought… An unfortunate statement about humankind is that sometimes the masses are so meek and compliant that it takes a “madman” to step out of the box…a person (or group of persons) who dares to even think something is possible! Now we sane, but outside the box thinkers, Spiritual thinkers, have (the opportunity) to either keep the madmen in check, show the madmen a better way (who he/she really is) or empower the masses. Or at least begin to en-mass allow the sane, outside the box thinkers/doers to not be reviled. Currently people are afraid of being relegated to the fringe of their families/societies/religion if they don’t stay inside those boxes. Portrayed as unpatriotic, heretics, crazy and or conspiracists. Make sure to look at your own views of others, and not disempower.
Georgia, in our search for a better way of living, we do have to be very alert to not falling into yet another power grab agenda masked in altruism. (Opportunities to Be discerning, careful, vigilant?) We must be careful of anyone who wants us to be fearful vs merely aware. I get the feeling that there are many agendas in play here, and many are proclaiming themselves to be the one and only “right” one. All of which means, to me, that we have to be “cafeteria Catholics” and pick what works from each, and figure out what is truly for the greater good…and create our world consciously from this point forward. Knowing that what works now most likely won’t entirely work, oh, two thousand years from now! We must now work the idea of change into our long term thoughts. The opportunity to create our own agenda…not all agendas are self serving and malevolent. We can include the thoughts of others and other ways.
On the subject of religion, and government, it is encouraging to see even the Pope and Rev. Pat Robertson changing their minds about homosexuality on even a minor level. The United States has made major attitude and legal changes in this area. This may seem off topic, Georgia, but it is all wrapped up in control…the ultimate control…of sexuality, and specifically the feminine energy….feminine energy and attempts to suppress it. Just look at television commercials geared for girls and toys for them. Absolutely ridiculous that still, in 2013, all the girl toys are make-up, hair playing with dolls, dolls to teach them how to be a mommy, brat dolls that are nothing but materialistic, fashion creating websites, jewelry making, hair extensions and color. Whereas the boys toys are geared around imagination and engineering!! We are “Madison Avenue-ed” into our roles from an early age. Warriors that are used to protect money and the status quo are called heroes and idolized. A woman who questions that status quo is a B word or worse…never spiritual, intuitive, peace-maker. The divine feminine is Mother, but not in the way it is currently portrayed. These times are giving us, I believe, our opportunity to create balance.
Georgia, the bottom line of what I am saying is that we do have control. We have control of how we think and feel about this world we live in. We can fall into the chaotic energies swirling about, or we can keep the perspective that we are the butterfly that can effect our world. We can become a conscious part of the collective, and influence that collective. We are being given many opportunities to choose how change happens. I believe we, as individuals, through our thoughts and actions, can not help but influence the direction of humanity.
Rudyard Kipling said it perfectly. (I know, I know, this post is getting really long, but I think it is an important topic!)
If—
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website atwww.ChangingChange.net . She may be contacted at: Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
An additional resource: ChangingChange.net offers spiritual assistance from a team of non-professional/volunteer Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less. Nothing on the CCN site should be construed or is intended to take the place of or be in any way similar to professional therapeutic or counseling services. The site functions with the gracious willing assistance of lay persons without credentials or experience in the helping professions. What these volunteers possess is an awareness of the theology of Conversations with God. It is from this context that they offer insight, suggestions, and spiritual support during moments of unbidden, unexpected, or unwelcome change on the journey of life.
Dear Therese,
Been reading some of your advice columns. I think your advice is so thought out and great. One question in particular I resonated with was the man asking where our leaders are and who do we follow. I really feel that is the question of my generation (30’s) and younger. I agree with you 100%, but I just want to add a little. Your generation had real news (for the most part). It was opinionated and honest reporting, such as the hippie movement, Vietnam, and Martin Luther King, Jr. My generation comes from filtered, agenda oriented, media. If there is an icon to follow, look to, (such as the way many opinions were changed with MLK), our media makes them look like lunatics. That is, if they even choose to do a story on them. If today was 1960, Neale would be main stream news with his new way of thinking. Hell no, you Google him today and he’s made to look like a crazy for saying God spoke to him. And that’s my point, anything to do with God is not news. The only news about Christians is about things like Westboro Baptist and how God hates fags (their word). Why? Because the news is that people who believe in God are insane. People who don’t believe in abortion are out of touch. My point here is that people like Neale don’t get face time anymore. I could go on here but my point is younger generations are lost.
Also, its about finding the pure courage and sacrifice for speaking up and finding a graceful way of demanding a better way. We are taught that the only heros are fiction. Anyway, the word “peace” and its meaning, and how to achieve it in ourselves and others around, is completely mutilated and twisted.
I also want to give you an example how what was taught to me, mainly through media, was so contorted and wrong. Woman’s right to choose. This act is to be empowering, it’s my body, I can choose to abort. Because I believed what I saw on TV, media, hidden messages in TV shows etc. I felt I was empowering myself as a woman to abort. Knowing what I know now, no, I was manipulated into this thinking and I chose wrong. I’m not empowered, neither man nor woman has a right to choose this. Life can not be debated. A life is a life, period. If someone buys a gun, points it and kills someone, there is no debate, there is no empowerment. The man who held the gun and killed goes to prison. Why in the world have we bought into it’s ok to abort?? Let me be more clear, why have we accepted it’s a woman’s right to kill a baby?? A woman who’s not in her right mind drowns her children in a tub is demonized for the rest of her life for doing so. But it’s ok to rip a 6 month old fetus (in some states) out of the womb and break its neck and dispose of it??? It’s OK because the person doing it is a doctor?? And to think our country ALLOWS a person to choose killing babies on a daily basis as a PROFESSION??!! How twisted and numb we are toward life! My point is, I don’t feel empowered for exercising my right to choose, I feel like a killer and every woman who thinks twice about the decision will one day feel the same on some level. Or perhaps they won’t because they have chosen to bury the burden.
I chose to share my insight about this to show you how I didn’t think twice because of what was fed to me. Just think of how manipulated younger generations are now because its taught more and more there is no God, only government.
Georgia, in PA
Dear Georgia,
I left your letter pretty intact, because I believe these are important issues you raise. I will not use this column to give any advice as to whether or not a woman should choose to have an abortion, but will address what I believe to be larger issues surrounding the specific issue, that may help you with the guilt you feel surrounding your decision to abort. So…
If you believe in God, you have to define what kind of God you believe in.
I believe in a God who does not judge me or condemn me for things that I did when I did not have a fully formed opinion of God and Life. Sweet lady, I don’t believe God would have any desire for you to have a moment of guilt beyond the point where it served you to think about something and form your own feelings about things. Guilt harms our mind and our bodies, and God has no need for anything that harms us. Her only desire is for our happiness.
I also believe, if one believes in God, that no life, no matter how short, is without purpose. I believe that even the aborted fetus (child), chose to have that experience. You see, just as the life of a brother murdered in a drive-by shooting, or a beloved grandparent dying, causes us to reflect on the meaning of that person in our lives, so, too, does the life of that unborn child.
My reflection on abortion has gotten me to the point where I don’t believe it is a matter of whether or not we have taken a life…because I don’t believe that life ever ends, and is, rather, something we will do again and again. My reflection has me at the same point you are…why do we even think that this child isn’t Life? Why do we value life, in general, so little? Or is it something more? Are we beginning to value ourselves, as women in particular, once again? Inappropriately, to be sure, but just as the abused becomes the abuser, couldn’t it be that women, given choices now, don’t know how to make those choices very well sometimes?
Or is the choice of abortion, and the purpose of those children, greater than even that? Is it so much about the child/mother, as it is about culture (government/big business/media…are they really separate?), and religion that got us to the point of even thinking that there is a need for this choice?
Let’s back up to before the point of making the decision to abort. What would have to change in a woman’s life to change this decision?
I believe what would have to change is that no woman, married or not, would ever be reviled, or thought to be sinful or wrong in their choice to carry a child to full term. Nor would she be made wrong for choosing to give that child up for adoption. I believe that when every woman knows that they will not be thrown into poverty because they have a child, or be given, essentially, second class citizenship, they will have those children. And if abortion is to be something that no one ever chooses, then we must believe, as I mentioned earlier, that we lose nothing when we die…so dying in the act of birthing would not be considered anything but a natural continuation of life…of the mother’s and the child’s.
I, with all of my heart, believe what CWG says regarding “right’ and “wrong”. There is no right and wrong, only what works and doesn’t work. Abortion IS working to get the conversation going…but it is NOT working as something we should choose once we have our moment of enlightenment on the topic, individually, then, hopefully, collectively.
These changes in our world can happen. I believe that there are so many abortions now, because these little unborn souls are choosing to get this dialog going. I think that extremists (political, religious) , are currently monopolizing this conversation, turning it into a distorted dialog…that is tied up in the larger agenda of money/control, and until the dialog turns to how we think about ourselves, in relation to one another and to Divinity, it will continue to be a point that will never be universally resolved. The issue of abortion, for me, is also representative of how we are re-thinking the killing another human being…period. If it is not okay to end the life of an unborn child, how is it okay to end the life of a “born” child…through war? via the death penalty? We are having to ask ourselves why is the temporal deemed so valuable as to justify offering up human lives to possess?
However, it is people like you and I, who will, ultimately, effect this change. As I said in the column you referred to, I believe that WE are the leaders who will change the world, and we have to stop waiting for others to change it for us! Change ourselves, change the person next to us, change the whole darn world! (Shades of Mother Teresa and Ghandi!)
Georgia, this is a very timely topic, and one with which many struggle, especially those who have had an abortion. I thank you SO much for your input about this. My thoughts about abortion have been floating around for about a month, and now I know why! Thank you for giving me the opportunity to express them. You might also consider that without your experience with abortion, this column might not have been written, and others would not know your thoughts…and your thoughts could be part of the shift in this world we seek.
Oh, one last thing…I agree that today’s news is very skewed and full of agenda, but that might just be a good thing, because it is, at least, very transparent now. We definitely know who is the liberal and who is the conservative etc. My generation (baby boomer), had very censored news in its own way. Neale might have gotten more “face time”, but I doubt he would have been accepted. (But I get what you are saying…take the more transparency and lay it over today) The point of any of the generations is that we must think for ourselves, and the best way to “think” for ourselves, is to feel what any input does to our bodies. “Truth” and “Lie” feel very different in our bodies, but we have been taught to ignore our body for a very long time…way before your generation or mine. Now is the time to teach our own children something different, don’t you think?
Therese
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.ChangingChange.net . She may be contacted at: Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
An additional resource: ChangingChange.net offers spiritual assistance from a team of non-professional/volunteer Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less. Nothing on the CCN site should be construed or is intended to take the place of or be in any way similar to professional therapeutic or counseling services. The site functions with the gracious willing assistance of lay persons without credentials or experience in the helping professions. What these volunteers possess is an awareness of the theology of Conversations with God. It is from this context that they offer insight, suggestions, and spiritual support during moments of unbidden, unexpected, or unwelcome change on the journey of life.
