\nADVANCE REVIEW: “This piece is the most comprehensive \u201clook\u201d at this subject I have ever encountered\u2026extremely insightful\u2026right on the money, so to speak\u2026very poignant, very sincere. I suspect Neale has had another ‘Conversation with God’\u2026thank you!”<\/p>\n
— from the Comment Section beneath this column<\/h3>\n<\/blockquote>\n
I had this interesting insight this morning: We’re all walking around trying to keep each other happy. I mean, on this planet. That\u2019s all we’re trying to do is keep each other happy, so that we can keep each other in our lives. It\u2019s about trying as hard as we can to avoid rejection. We don\u2019t ever want to be alone again. We never want to be rejected again, because we think that\u2019s going to lead to our being alone again.<\/p>\n
We were rejected once\u2014at least, that\u2019s what we were told has happened, when God kicked us out of the Garden of Eden\u2014and we have felt the sting of that ever since, the loneliness of that, the utter desolation of that. I call it the \u201cDesolation of Isolation,\u201d and we struggle mightily to never experience that again, because there is nothing worse than feeling rejected, pushed out, left to our own devices.<\/p>\n
This is a repeat of the birth experience, and that is an experience we have never forgotten. We remember it at a cellular level. We remember being pushed out, left there, on our own. We\u2019ve never forgotten that, and we never want to experience it again.<\/p>\n
So we spend or lives trying to please each other, trying not to get rejected, even in the smallest ways. Now, if it happens that in our life we have <\/em>been rejected, or have <\/em>been \u201cpushed out\u201d of someone\u2019s life\u2014of the life of someone we\u2019ve dearly and deeply loved\u2014no matter how hard we\u2019ve tried to please them…there\u2019s almost no repair for that. We can eventually get past it, but we can never get over it.<\/p>\n
This is the answer to the question, \u201cWhat hurts you so bad that you feel you have to hurt me in order to heal it?\u201d It may not even be us who did the original rejecting of another. They may feel so hurt by the original rejection wherever <\/em>it came from that they have become bitter and angry with life at every level.<\/p>\n
They think, So this is what happens when you allow yourself to love somebody!<\/em>, and that are determined never to become that vulnerable again.<\/p>\n
And so they armor themselves. And in some cases they do more than armor themselves. They embody the notion of preemptive strike. <\/em>They lash out at anyone who shows them kindness, admiration, or affection\u2014and especially if anyone tries to show them love.<\/p>\n
When I was a child there was a song I heard a lot on the radio, sung by a group named the Mills Brothers. I remember the lyrics to this day.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou always hurt the one you love, the one you shouldn\u2019t hurt at all. You always take the sweetest rose and crush it \u2018til the pedals fall. You always break the kindest heart with a hasty word you can’t recall. So if I broke your heart last night it’s because I love you most of all.\u201d<\/p>\n
And it\u2019s not always only about armor. With some people\u2014people who have been severely or repeatedly damaged\u2014it\u2019s also at some level about revenge. It\u2019s about getting back at the world for how the world has treated them. And this kind of \u201cpay back\u201d is indiscriminate. Everybody is in the line of fire.<\/p>\n
Harsh remarks are made. Cruel judgments are made. Cutting comments are made. \u201cCorrections\u201d are offered in the most searing, blistering, belittling ways. Tones of voice and facial expressions are mocked, often right in front of the other person. And if the \u201ctarget\u201d of such verbal aggression offers the tiniest protest, or displays the smallest sign of being hurt, the aggressor says, \u201cOh, come on, can\u2019t you even take a joke?\u201d<\/p>\n
If someone else other than the \u201ctarget\u201d calls the verbal aggressor out, asking why they would say such a thing, the aggressor inevitably responds, \u201cHey, I call \u2018em as I see \u2018em.\u201d\u00a0 And if some other person says, \u201cBut you don\u2019t have to do that. If you have judgments about others, fine. We all do. But you can keep them to yourself. You don\u2019t have to announce it in public,\u201d the verbal aggressor will respond, \u201cI\u2019m just telling the truth that no one else will say. Someone has to.\u201d<\/p>\n
In this, they see themselves as the Hall Monitor. They\u2019ve been assigned the task of keeping everyone obeying the rules\u2014and they won\u2019t give anyone a \u201cpass.\u201d\u00a0 If they catch you in the slightest infraction, they\u2019ll call you on it. And if you say, \u201cWow, you don\u2019t let anyone get away with anything<\/em>, do you…? You know, you don\u2019t have to notice and announce every single thing that you have a judgment about,\u201d their defense and response is: \u201cI hold in a lot more than I let out.\u201d<\/p>\n
And so we see a person who feels incredibly and unbelievably superior to the world around them, and just about everyone in it. Their kindest act is to \u201chold in\u201d 90% of their comments and judgments. What you’re seeing in only the tip of the iceberg.<\/p>\n
Ouch. They must be hurting really, really bad to have such an inner experience of everything they look at in life\u2014even those they love.<\/p>\n
Now not every person has experienced the hurt of birth\u2019s trauma in this way. And not every person\u2014even those who have, like most of us, experienced some rejection in their life by someone they loved\u2014retreats to such a place of Arm & Attack. But when you meet someone who has retreated to that place, you will know it. You will be able to spot it a mile away, because they will be caustic and mocking and sometimes even directly and harshly critical of every fault and foible of others\u2014and maybe even of you\u2014right in front of you.<\/p>\n
And the question then becomes: How to deal with such a person? How to respond?<\/p>\n
You don\u2019t want to just turn away and allow the behavior to continue (particularly if it is directed toward you), because this creates a wholly dysfunctional relationship with the other: An Aggressor\/Surrender relationship that simply teaches the aggressor that unkind words and unkind behavior is going to continue to be accepted by you. And acceptance, of course, is all that the other person ultimately wants. <\/em>It is rejection <\/em>that they fear! So they will continue to accept in themselves the very behavior that they see others accepting in them.<\/p>\n
That is the supreme irony.<\/p>\n
And so, my own personal recommendation is that we lovingly and caringly, compassionately and patiently\u2014but very honestly and directly\u2014communicate with the verbally aggressive person exactly how they are being experienced by you, and then let them know that every time they foist their verbal aggression on you in the future, you are going to call them on it.<\/p>\n
And if they continue to verbally attack you or those you love when they are around you, you will simply no longer have them around you. You will leave the room when they enter, and if you can\u2019t easily and graciously leave, you will simply not interact with them in any important or meaningful way beyond common courtesy.<\/p>\n
Then, you will do this: When they ask you (as they surely will), \u201cWhy are you always so cold and distant with me? If you\u2019ve got something \u2018going on,\u2019 why don\u2019t you just come out and say it?\u201d, you will gently respond, \u201cI have said it, dear one, I have said it. You have simply not taken it in. So I will say it again…<\/p>\n
\u201cYou are not safe. You are too often unkind, too often harsh and cruel and mocking of others, and sometimes even of me, and I therefore find it more pleasant to not interact closely with you. We can be friends. We can always be friendly. But if you want us to be good<\/em> friends, friends who want to spend time with each other, friends who have each other\u2019s back, who can\u2019t wait for the next interaction with each other, you will have to change those behaviors with me. I have a little slogan that I share with my friends: DON\u2019T ATTACK. HAVE MY BACK.\u201d<\/p>\n
Then your opportunity is, at first, to forgive the other person, knowing and seeing the level of pain they are in that is causing their verbally attacking behavior, then moving even past Forgiveness, right straight to Understanding. Conversations with God <\/em>says that when Understanding arrives, Forgiveness leaves. That is, the need to forgive another for anything <\/em>leaves us the moment that we understand how it is possible that they could have done such a thing. And that understanding arrives the moment that we see the same behavior in ourselves.<\/p>\n
Through the years I have learned that there is nothing another has done to me that I have not done to someone else, in some form or another. This is a second way of saying, \u201cI possess every fault I find in you. I have committed every offense that I see you committing.\u201d<\/p>\n
This is True Understanding. And it is revealed when an even deeper comprehension arises: Every act is an act of love.<\/strong><\/p>\n
This is important to hear, this is vital to grasp, if you ever want to move into real Mastery.<\/p>\n
There is no emotion other than Love. Conversations with God <\/em>famously said, \u201cLove is all there is,\u201d and this is true. Every other emotion, or action arising from it, is an expression of love. Fear is an expression of love. Anger is an expression of love. Hatred is an expression of love. And yes, even violence is an expression of love. All of these are expressions of love\u2014distorted<\/em> expressions, for sure (remember I said that), but expressions nonetheless of love, and of nothing else.<\/p>\n
Let\u2019s test the theory.<\/p>\n
If you did not love something, you would not be in fear of losing it, or not having it, or not ever getting it. The thief steals something he loves because he fears not ever having it otherwise. Thus, thievery is a distorted act of love. A person becomes angry as an outcry of love that says, \u201cI don\u2019t want this! I want what I love!\u201d Hatred is likewise an even more distorted expression of love. Consider this: If you loved nothing, you would hate nothing. There would be no reason to. And, at its ultimate level of distortion, violence is an expression of love for something. It is our awareness of this very truth that allows us to justify <\/em>violence, and even killing\u2014as we do on this planet every day.<\/p>\n
Knowing that every act is an act of love\u2014for the Self or for another person, experience, or object\u2014greatly increases our chance of understanding other people and their actions. The challenge then becomes how to stay in understanding\u2014or at least its forerunner, forgiveness\u2014without moving into dysfunction.<\/p>\n
In the case of the person who is continually verbally attacking, dysfunction is when you allow that person to verbally aggress upon you and seem to be okay with it when you\u2019re not\u2014all so as not to \u201crile\u201d the other any further; so as not to offend the one who is offending you.,<\/p>\n
This is the height of dysfunction, and it appears in more marriages and more relationships than you might ever imagine. It shows up in such close interactions particularly because all of us <\/em>are suffering the pain of Original Rejection, and the love of something we can\u2019t have that we dearly want: ultimately, the end of Separation forever.<\/p>\n
Yet when we tell a verbally attacking person how you feel about their constant verbal aggressions, it will serve us <\/em>to not be verbally aggressive with them, but rather, to heed the words of one of my own life\u2019s spiritual masters, Francis Treon, who taught: \u201cSpeak your truth, but soothe your words with peace.\u201d<\/p>\n
These things I have experienced being shared with me this morning, by the Source of Wisdom within. I share them with you in the spirit of togetherness, as we walk side-by-side along this road that we call Life. I hope you will Share with me your own insights, below.<\/p>\n
Hugs and love…neale.<\/p>\n
(The above is from the new book What God Said<\/em>, due out in September from Penguin Putnam, and is part of a continuing series of commentaries by Neale Donald Walsch on the Conversations with God material.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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