Dear Therese,<\/i><\/p>\n
A friend and I have been doing things together twice a week for almost ten years.\u00a0 We enjoy our time together and have many things in common, but that\u2019s not the problem.\u00a0 My problem is that I always drive, because she doesn\u2019t, and she has never once offered to pay me for gas.\u00a0 Until recently that wasn\u2019t an issue, because the places we like to go are in her area, but I am on a fixed income and would sure like to keep costs down for me, and there are things much closer to me that I could go to, instead of by her.\u00a0 How do I tell her?<\/i><\/p>\n
W.H. in Wisconsin<\/i><\/p>\n
Dear W.H.,<\/p>\n
The simple answer, W.H., is tell her exactly what you just told me!\u00a0 You\u2019ve given no indication that she is abusive or unreasonable, which probably means that she has likely fallen into the habit of letting you pay.\u00a0 Is it possible that when this arrangement began you consistently told her it was your pleasure, or no problem, or you liked doing this?\u00a0 Sweetie, if you don\u2019t speak up, you will never know if there really is<\/i> a problem!\u00a0 It could be that she is very willing to pay and just doesn\u2019t know circumstances have changed for you.<\/p>\n
Your predicament is a microcosm of a much larger social problem, of course.\u00a0 We are encouraged to give, but not told why.\u00a0 The \u201cwhy\u201d is because this life isn\u2019t about us, it is about how our lives touch and improve the lives others (put very <\/i>simply, of course). \u00a0<\/i>What we aren\u2019t really told these days is that all benefits must be mutual.\u00a0 The mutual ultimately boils down to the joy of giving, but being the human beings that we are, it often takes something a little more concrete to demonstrate mutuality.\u00a0 For sure it means that one person can not take advantage of another.\u00a0 When generosity is abused, the energy of the relationship changes, and we feel it.<\/p>\n
Then comes the next predicament.\u00a0 We are also told that we have to be nice.\u00a0 We are encouraged to avoid conflict.\u00a0 We are fearful that other people won\u2019t like us.\u00a0 None of these things are necessarily wrong, until they stop us from being true to ourselves.\u00a0 When we stop being true to ourselves, W.H., we also stop giving from our joy, and our giving becomes tainted.<\/p>\n
When our giving no longer comes from our joy, as is demonstrated in your case, it affects relationships.\u00a0 Your friend, W.H., has no way of knowing that something has changed unless you tell her.\u00a0 Chances are she suspects, by your behavior, or some subtle changes in you, but she can not really know until you tell her your truth.\u00a0 I suggest you tell her very gently, but directly, that your circumstances have changed.\u00a0 Don\u2019t just stop doing things with her and go to places closer without giving her a chance to give back to you.\u00a0 Who knows, she may have been hiding information from you about her finances or other things, and may wish to talk to you, too.\u00a0 This one thing may actually open up a whole new avenue of communication between the two of you and move you two into a whole new level of mutual benefit.<\/p>\n
We just never know where standing in our own truth, even in seemingly simple things, will take us!<\/p>\n
Therese<\/p>\n
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at\u00a0<\/i>www.ChangingChange.net<\/a>, which offers spiritual assistance from a team of Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less, and offers insight, suggestions, and companionship during moments of unbidden, unexpected, unwelcome change on the journey of life. She may be contacted at\u00a0<\/i>Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com<\/span><\/a><\/span>.)<\/i><\/p>\n