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I am so angry.\u00a0 I have been in a marriage for 32 years.\u00a0 I have been faithful.\u00a0 I have given him children.\u00a0 AND I have had a full time job.\u00a0 Now I find he wants a divorce, and wants to be free to be with other women.\u00a0 Now I am all alone, he wants to leave me with the kids, the stress is making my job performance suffer and I am at risk for losing my job, and he is off having his fun.\u00a0 I need him!\u00a0 Is this God being fair?? \u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n
Rhea\u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n
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Dear Rhea,<\/p>\n
I am so sorry you are going through this right now.\u00a0 I get that it doesn\u2019t seem fair.<\/p>\n
Since I don\u2019t have the luxury of an ongoing dialog, like I do over at The CWG Helping Outreach, I am going to be quite direct.<\/p>\n
You talk about your relationship in terms of him getting what he wants, and you not being treated fairly…you do not speak of losing your soulmate, or the love of your life or any other endearing term.\u00a0 Which leads me to ask what you expected of marriage…why were you in the marriage?\u00a0 I often ask, and I will ask you:\u00a0 What is your definition of Love?<\/p>\n
I think that what “Conversations With God” has to say about this subject is particularly pertinent right now.\u00a0 In chapter 8 of book 1, it talks about how we define Love.\u00a0 In this chapter God says:<\/p>\n
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\u201c<\/i>For most people, love is a response to need fulfillment.<\/i><\/strong><\/p>\n Everyone has needs. You need this, another needs that. You both see in each other a chance for need fulfillment. So you agree—tacitly—to a trade. I’ll trade you what I’ve got if you’ll give me what you’ve got.<\/i><\/strong><\/p>\n It’s a transaction. But you don’t tell the truth about it. You don’t say, “I trade you very much.” You say, “I love you very much,” and then the disappointment begins.\u201d<\/i><\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n A relationship that is healthy, even if it does not last forever, begins with knowing that we are complete with or without that other person in our lives, and having a desire to share that completeness with another, hoping to enhance their lives and yours in the process of sharing.\u00a0 We all need help along the way, and none of us live in this perfect little love zone all of the time, but it is what healthy relationships are based on, and what they return to when the dramas in life end.\u00a0 In fact, getting back to that space is what causes the drama to end.<\/p>\n Further, Rhea, we most often think of “relationships” as having to do with romance. \u00a0In reality, we are having a relationship with everything in our world all the time. \u00a0We know who we are relative to all that is around us, and how we act on those relationships depends on our thoughts about those things, including our thoughts about who we are. \u00a0Our thoughts create our experience. \u00a0Hard to believe, I know, when we are in the middle of traumatic changes in our lives, like the ones you are going through right now.\u00a0 Our thoughts do create our experiences, (not to be confused with events) and you can change your experience right now by changing your thoughts about why this is happening.\u00a0 One very good tool, among many good tools out there, to help you change your thoughts, is the book, \u201cWhen Everything Changes, Change Everything\u201d that Neale wrote.\u00a0 (Information about the website is below, and the book can be read for free on the website!)<\/p>\n I am a person who always looks for the “silver lining” in things. \u00a0Even when things that appear awful are happening, my mind goes back to the times when things looked hopeless, yet they ultimately proved to be things that opened up doors for me. \u00a0(For instance, the hopeless co-worker relationship actually had to happen to me, so that I wouldn’t be attached to that job, and I was open to the next.) \u00a0When I do<\/em> simply accept that there is more, my mind relaxes and gives me a break. \u00a0I calm down and am able to let my mind filter what my soul is saying. \u00a0Can you see even a tiny bit of silver?\u00a0 Can you look back at anything in your life and see the silver lining now, that you couldn\u2019t see then?<\/p>\n Rhea, “justice”, by the way, presumes that something is “wrong”. \u00a0There is nothing wrong. \u00a0Each person simply has their own soul path.<\/p>\n I am going to write a little story around what you say about your ex…I might look at him and think that he is a very insecure person. \u00a0Why? Because he is looking for love and acceptance outside of himself. \u00a0He seems to need validating by temporary things. \u00a0Who he is, doesn’t seem to be enough for him. \u00a0Which leads to many questions as to why…<\/p>\n What I have done, by doing this, Rhea, is write a story that moves me from pure judging, to looking for understanding of his actions. \u00a0Not necessarily because I think that those actions are working for him in any way, but because I wish to understand that HE thinks that they are working…otherwise he wouldn’t be doing them.<\/p>\n We don’t have to stay with those people, Rhea, we don’t even have to fall out of love with those people, but when we move to understanding, we stop doing one very important thing:<\/p>\n We stop hurting ourselves.<\/p>\n And when we do that, we stop hurting those around us, even if we were hurting them unconsciously. \u00a0(Maybe that’s what people are reacting to at work?)<\/p>\n And when we stop the hurting, things seem to fall into place…because we believe that they will.<\/p>\n Ask yourself, Rhea, what might be needing to be looked at within yourself that is causing you to feel that you need someone in your life who has said he doesn\u2019t want to remain in yours.\u00a0 Is it because you are being treated unfairly in your \u201ctrade\u201d agreement, or is it because you are not defining love in a way that includes yourself.<\/p>\n Therese<\/p>\n (Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at <\/i>www.cwghelpingoutreach.com<\/i><\/a>\u00a0\u00a0She may be contacted at:\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0<\/i>Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com<\/i><\/a>.)<\/i><\/p>\n (If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to\u00a0<\/i>Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com<\/a>, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)<\/i><\/p>\n