“Ungraceful grace”

 “Sometimes you open a door, and you are the only one
who can go through it.” —Mooji

There are very few reasons these days that I am inspired to leave the inner sanctuary of silence—to speak, to be with others, or even to write something that in any way expresses an objective opinion. For quite a while now I have been trying in myriad ways to gently explain to those I know and love why I am less available for even the most casual of gatherings…

When we come to a place where we no longer believe everything the man-made mind comes up with and genuinely feel that there is almost nothing worth speaking about unless it is spoken from one’s true home in the Heart, well—it can make for a more confusing and inconsistent exchange with those who still expect us to show up the same way we have for perhaps decades.

I feel deeply aligned with an inner truth that says until I can merge the “inner” experience of I AM with the “outward” personality, what’s being offered feels not at all representative of the Truth of the I AM that is beginning to be experienced more of the time on the “inside”.

It is as if this experiencing of the I AM is only half baked—and to bring it to the potluck seems to cause only more hunger for those who have known me to be a certain way and to engage with them in a specific dance of personalities.

Never in my life did I imagine that I would search for, allow in, let alone find a “guru” or “teacher”. But for some of us a true, clear knowing arrives, and it says, “It’s time. Bring me that One who will take me all the way Home. Bring into my reality that One who already knows the Way.” The grace of a true teacher is that they do not ask you to leave behind anything you hold dear—Christ, Buddha, God or Goddess—but  invite you to create a container large enough to hold it All:  All images, concepts, mentors and guides that are reflections of pure Love. True teachers ask us to put limits on nothing. To realize that They are It, You are It, and It is All there is…

A short while ago I heard my teacher, Anthony Paul Moo-Young, affectionately called “Mooji”, describe his final teacher, Sri H. W. L. Poonja as “Friendly to All, Friends with none.” When I heard this, tears sprung to my eyes. My experience this last three years or so is that this is increasingly my own reality, and that it feels right, and that, in fact, trying to maintain friendships at this point in my life seems at cross-purposes to what I am being called to explore and to discover and to live in, and to live from.

The Grace that has called me inward to find That which does not change; to know happiness that is not dependent on circumstances; to establish a connection with God/Presence that can never again be lost is an inward pulling so strong that it cannot be explained to anyone who is not also experiencing it.  And it can sometimes seem hurtful to others.  But it’s not personal—it’s primordial.

primordial

1 ancient, earliest, first
2 instinctive, basic, primal, intuitive, inborn, innate, inherent

Personality was created secondary to this awareness, this Presence we Are and have always, always been and always, always shall Be.

Once this Calling comes, there is no turning one’s back on it, nor turning back from it. The only choice is to willingly Go Within. Once there, however, it becomes incredibly apparent what has been missing one’s whole life, or lifetimes. And nothing in the outer reality can hold a candle to this effortless harmony and happiness.

My teacher, Mooji, has said:

“Maybe for a while you’re not going to be good company for anybody. So don’t go looking for friends. You have to walk through the wilderness of your own self. Your attention must turn fully inside. Baptize your attention inside.

“If your desire for Freedom is True, Grace will come, and take you Home. Something has already called you to look inside, has pulled you out of the raging river and now you have chosen to look inside.

“But the world wants to see progress.

“First find the Self. Just stay quiet and rest in the Self. And be happy. The world won’t understand this kind of happiness. It will rub its eyes many times and stare at you. Yes, but where are all of your achievements, your worldly goods—where is your house?  And you will answer:  This is my House.”

For most people there will again come a time when one’s Being has merged Inner with Outer and the dance becomes more graceful and seamless, open and inclusive.

I write this and share this for those who are also called Inward and know the Ungraceful Grace of this passage of which I speak. But I can think of no greater gift to share with others than to Know Who We Really Are and to then, when moved to, speak and act from that place of Knowing.

For some, the path Home doesn’t perhaps include this kind of turning inward, this basking in the depth of stillness where one can listen and really hear… but for this one, it is the case. And if there are more out there experiencing the same, know that you are not alone.

If there were anything more important to me to share at this time, I don’t know what it would be. To recognize what already exists within us regardless of circumstances is what might return an insane society to one of sanity, and a violent society to one that lives in compassion and harmony with all forms of life, including the life form we’ve been given to inhabit.

May All Beings Know Peace
May All Beings Be Happy
May All Beings Be Free from Suffering

em claire

LIGHT

IS YOUR TRUE NATURE.

YOU CAN BE NO OTHER.

YOU EXIST OUTSIDE OF MIND,

YET INSIDE THE UNIVERSAL WOMB.

*

LEAVE THE MIND BEHIND

UNTIL YOU ARE SO SURE YOU ARE THE SUN

THAT YOU NAME YOURSELF AN

 ETERNAL

RISING

DAWN

 *

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  • Therese

    Mine has been a series of turning inwards, if you will. Some more extensive in time, some less. With each move we have made in our 42 year marriage I realized I was doing two things, and these things combined my split down the middle right/left brains. I was able to refine self quietly at home, and create my living space as it should be, exercising my creative right brain, (I was a stay at home mother, so there was usually some very quiet time during the day), and I was able to still do the being of efficient and capable that my left brain required to be satisfied by taking care of the physical details of a transfer.

    When, after my children were quite gone from the house, I created the most profound space, my most extensive turning in, it was, as you say, not always a comfortable thing for others to be around. My husband, my beautiful husband, encouraged me even as he was not sure he was going to lose me. One of my daughters said I wasn’t the mother she knew, and she wasn’t sure she liked it. Others questioned if I had joined a cult with my new way of thinking. Even the noise of humans living life grated on my ears and weighed heavy on my body.

    Yet…gradually I was able to re-enter life, with a new assuredness that was rooted in a gentleness that wasn’t there before. This gentleness opened me to things that had always danced around me, calling me to see, but I never looked at them straight on until that moment. For me, the quiet allowed me to Be in Life in a new way that caused me to engage even more than I had before…just in a very different way. I discovered that even small quiet moments created clarity when I was confused. And those who were uneasy with the “New” me…gradually got used to me. I would even say that the new me gradually rubbed off on many of them! It doesn’t matter to me who is in my life any longer, because I know people come and go, and come again and it is as simple as that. I love each fully when in my space, and that is enough. Yes, there are still things I yearn for,and I still get peevish and occasionally quite angry, but these things no longer have the same hold on me as they once did…because I got to know myself as whole and lovable during my times of “turning inward”.

    Thank you for sharing your journey, Ms. Em. Even while I know I am not alone, it is so nice to see proof of it, and see the feelings of it written by someone else, and in the beautifully eloquent way you do.

    Therese

  • Sibila Reventlow

    Dear Em Claire,

    It´s compassionate of you to write and share these words at this time. Your words carry much beauty here and make complete sense to me. What you write about makes me remember one of the clips with Mooji on youtube that moves me so deeply each and every time I see it: The clip called “The money is (not ) here”. Within it, Mooji talks about a question that when answered, introduces one to one´s Buddha nature. I saw it again after reading your words here, thank you for reminding me of Mooji today. Also, your book, Home Remembers Me” arrived in my mail-box within the same 2 hours after my having ordered it in October from Amazon, this syncronicity is moving me much and I´m grateful.
    May you be deeply blessed,
    Sibila Reventlow

  • Cassandra H

    Dear Em,

    Thank you so much for sharing. I came across your message at just the right time, I am greatly comforted to know that I am not alone.

  • Sandy Donaghy

    OMG that internal place is where i have been for nearly 4 years. I slowly detatched from everything in a attempt to be in the world not off the world. The spirit showed me clearly my true self.. not who i thought i was…. it was for a while deep and heavy… i thought of quitting the process many times..but realised i only have to undergo this process once. I have met the I Am through the stillness and darkness and the vastness of higher conscioustness.immense. Em keep going blessings Sandy

  • Angela

    Beautiful Em, truly beautiful x

  • http://straitsproperties.blogspot.com/2010/09/118-island-plaza.html CLGC

    Em,I bring you greetings with love and peace. Your reflections touch me very deeply, you have articulated beautifully what I had always felt. We come to this stage in our Beingness through many different paths. Ever since I first picked up by “chance” CWG, I am touched and amazed by all that I remembered. Even the “chance” of my picking up CWG1 came at a most appropriate time.
    My childhood was spent in the rubber estates of Malaya. The rolling hills, early morning dew, mystical sunsets…I am thankful that even then I could feel the splendour of each day. What I want to share with you is that I had always conversed with myself, conversations were going in my head about the ifs and whys and what ifs. I did not know what it was like to be lonely.
    My journey took me through my teenage years, then through a stormy marriage and widowhood…..all the time I carry on my conversations in my head My 3 boys are grown-up; and I found love again when I least expected. It was a love that brought me into Oneness and Spirituality. My soul was truly awakened and even dreams which I had as a child, recurring dreams which I could not make sense of, now seen in this day of my understanding, everything is perfection. My opportunity in my present relationship is to help bring my partner to his own understanding of which he is totally unaware

    I am very privileged to be able to remember and through CWG finally rejoice in my knowing.

    Thank you Em and Neale

  • Tanya White

    Thank you so much for this post Em Claire. This is exactly the stage I am in right now. I have no desire to be with people. and yet my mind plagues me at times, saying that i am all alone in the world. But yet when I venture out into relationships, it leaves me feeling empty and wanting to return to the silence of my own being. So fr now i have decided t simply honor being alone.If and when i am to venture out to be with others, life will unfold in such a way to make it so. But in this moment, I am welcoming and enjoying the stillness that I am resting in presently.