Running for the United States Senate in the state of Indiana, Republican candidate Richard Mourdock declared at a public debate with his opponent Tuesday night that God intends pregnancies that result from rape to occur.

For this reason, Mr. Mourdock said, he opposes abortion even in the case of rape or incest, the cable news network CNN has reported.

Mr. Mourdock joins Republican Congressman Todd Akin, who is seeking to advance to the U.S. Senate seat from Missouri, and Republican Congressman Joe Walsh, running for re-election to the U.S. House of Representatives in Illinois, in placing before the American public yet another statement regarding pregnancies and abortion that appear to be significantly in disharmony with the views held by the majority of American women.

Taken together, those statements are these…

From Mr. Akin: In cases of “legitimate rape,” a woman’s body automatically biologically rejects insemination and therefore, pregnancy rarely occurs in such cases.

From Mr. Mourdock:  “I think even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something God intended to happen.” Mr. Mourdock said he would not oppose abortion if a mother’s life was in danger.

From Mr. Walsh: Abortion as a life-saving procedures are not needed because “with modern technology and science, you can’t find one instance” in which an abortion would be needed to save the life of a mother. After a firestorm of objections for the next 24 hours, Mr. Walsh the next day amended his statement, acknowledging that there might be “very rare circumstances” where life-saving abortions might be required.

All three candidates have had the stout support of the so-called tea party in the U.S., which has been seeking to move the Republican Party further to the right in setting the political agenda for America.

And so, for the third time in three months and the second time in two weeks, the American people, and women in particular, have had their most basic and sacred spiritual beliefs placed on the line as they go into voting booths or mark their advance ballots in U.S. election just ahead.

It has been said that politics are—or certainly should be—the civic-action outcome and the on-the-ground product of a person’s most sacred and important beliefs. If this is true, the American election could turn on the question of what God wants. Mr. Mourdock has made it clear in written statements to reporters following his debate on Tuesday that he was not in any way suggesting that God wants women to be raped. Yet if such a heinous thing should occur, he said, and it resulted in the woman becoming pregnant, that pregnancy would have to be considered what God intended.

“Life is a gift from God,” Mr. Mourdock said, “and I think even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something God intended to happen.”

The New Spirituality agrees with Mr. Mourdock. And it goes further. Everything that occurs in Life is intended by God, it declares. There is nothing that happens in the Universe that is somehow outside of God’s ability to control. A person could not so much as lift a little finger if God did not want it to happen. So if something has happened, it could not have happened against God’s Will. Such a thing would be impossible.

If this is not true, then we really are “children of a lesser God.” We are moving through a life that is placing circumstances and situations before us at the whim and whimsy of “fate.” The whole experience is just a roll of the dice. Yet Conversations with God says that just the opposite is true. Not a sparrow falls without God’s knowledge, and not a thing occurs against God’s Will.

Why, then—to stick with the present case—would it be God’s Will for a pregnancy to occur as a result of a rape? And, extending the logic of the New Spirituality, how could the rape itself occur if it were against God’s Will?

The true test of any spiritual belief must be in how questions such as these are approached and answered. And people of courage are invited by Life to speak their answers into Life, bringing their most sacred beliefs into the arena of their experience.

Mr. Mourdock did just that at the debate with his opponent on Tuesday, acknowledging with regard to the abortion question, and his position on it: “I struggled with it myself for a long time.” Members of the New Spirituality community may have opinions that differ from those of Mr. Mourdock on why it would not be against God’s Will for a pregnancy to occur as a result of a rape, and what “should” or “must” be done afterward, but they would be admiring of Mr. Mourdock for his bravery in so publicly announcing his beliefs.

Indeed, a major tenet of the New Spirituality is that “ours is not a better way, ours is merely another way” to understand Life and its events. Where the New Spirituality would differ from Mr. Mourdock would be in his belief that if a woman becomes pregnant as a result of rape or incest, it is God’s Will that she have the child. The New Spirituality would say that it is God’s Will that she have a choice as to whether to have the child, not that she be without choice—and that the very opportunity to make this choice in an integral part of the larger purpose for the experience itself. Indeed, it is the reason for every situation, circumstance, or event in Life, which continually creates a contextual field within which humans have the opportunity to decide Who They Are, and Who They Now Choose To Be, CWG says.

Life is not a series of random events, occurring without rhyme or reason, Conversations with God shares, but rather, an intricately designed and deliberately set into motion sequence of occurrences collaboratively and spontaneously created by all the Souls in existence for the purpose of giving that Collection of Souls a direct experience of Itself, both as a collection and as individuals within the collection. In other words, Life exists as a means by which that which we call God may know Itself experientially, through the expression in physicality of Its individual parts, within a realm of relativity.

The New Spirituality says that we are here on Earth to do more than just live and die and make the best of the experience. We are also here to do more than simply find a way to “get back to heaven”—or, at least, avoid going to hell. Those are simplistic views of the reason and purpose for human existence.

We are here, Conversations with God says, to advance a larger agenda. We are here to move forward an eternal evolutionary process in which our Soul is involved. It is a process through which each individual Soul experiences its True Identity fully, and by which Life Itself expands its expression to reflect the wonder of its ultimate and true nature.

And just exactly what is the “True Identity” of the soul? CWG indicates that the soul is the individuated aspect of Divinity Itself, and that its purpose through physical life is to express and to experience Divinity at the next highest level, in a constantly escalating spiral.

We don’t “have to” do it. Nothing is required of us in this or any other lifetime. Not the bringing to term of a pregnancy resulting from rape, nor any other thing in particular. We have an endless number of lifetimes, and nothing is specifically demanded, commanded, or required of us in any given passage through physical life. Our incarnations never end, with the soul moving from one physical expression to another on an eternal journey—and it is the eternality of Life Itself which makes it not necessary for a particular lifetime to produce a particular outcome.

To allow your Mind to get a handle on this, imagine that after 40 years of going to a job every day, you have finally retired, are in wonderful health, have ample financial resources, and can now look forward to years of doing whatever you please. Would you feel required to play golf next Thursday, as opposed to Thursday a week later? Other than for the sheer joy of it, would there be any other reason to do a particular thing on a particular day in a particular way?

The beauty of retirement, of course, is freedom—the joy and the freedom to do what you want, when you want, in the way that you want. You are said to have “earned it.”

This is also the beauty of Life Itself. And this freedom, too, you have “earned.” By the very act of coming into physicality (not an insignificant decision) and living day-to-day in the Realm of Relativity (no small task), you have earned the freedom to do what you want, when you want, in the way that you want. Freedom is God’s prerogative—and you are nothing less than Divine.

The Old Spirituality, of course, espouses a different view. First, it says (in most cases) that we do not have infinite lifetimes, but rather, only this one. Second, it says that while we have Free Will, we really do not, but are required or commanded to do certain things and not to do other things, and that violation of that command will “earn” us something alright—it will earn us eternal torment and unending suffering in the fires of hell. Finally, it says that God has told us exactly what our requirements are, and all we have to do is pick and listen to the Right Religion to know exactly what God wants and demands from us. If we pick the wrong religion—yes, even if we believe in God and try to serve God, but believe in God in the wrong way—we are likewise going straight to hell immediately after death.

The New Spirituality tells us that Life on Earth is part and parcel of the ‘heaven’ you have been told about. The whole expression—the experience between physical lifetimes and the experience of each lifetime—is what “paradise” is all about. “Heaven” for the soul is the ability to know and to express Divinity in you, through you, as you…in the way and at the time that you wish.

In truth, Divinity is expressed through you no matter what you do. It is impossible for you not to express Divinity, since Divinity is Who You Are. It is simply a matter of how you want to define Divinity in This Moment, Now.

Put another way, God is what you say God is, by how you are being in any given situation or circumstance. As Conversations with God says, “Every act is an act of self-definition.” And Life Itself, throughout the multiple universes, is God in the act of defining Itself as it wishes to know Itself through the here-and-now expression of Itself.

The greatest gift we have been given by God—or, to state it more accurately, that we have given ourselves—is Free Will. We can express our Selves in any way that we desire. The question is not, “How can the way human beings are be an expression of Divinity?” The question is, “Why would human beings choose for Divinity to be expressed in this way?” And, more transformatively, “What could cause us to define Who We Are, and Divinity Itself, in another way? A higher way? A grander way?”

If we are in the act of defining God, would we want to do it any differently tomorrow than we have done today? That is the question. Our answer will determine the future of humanity, and so is, in both human terms and Divine terms, The Only Thing That Matters.

UPDATE: October 25 — Reporter Wayne Drash writes in a copyrighted story on CNN’s website today that Rabbi Harold Kushner, author of the best-selling book When Bad Things Happen to Good People, said Mourdock’s remarks were off-base. Mr. Drash quotes Rabbi Kushner as saying that people “should have compassion for the person whose life is messed up by this and not make her an instrument for our idiosyncratic, theological commitment.

“If you believe she has no right to terminate that pregnancy, you’re free to believe that,” Kushner is quoted. “But for you to write your preferences into law and compel another person to mess her life up because of what you believe, I think you’re going too far.”

Mr. Drash ends his quotes from Mr. Kushner with this observation from the rabbi: “I continue to be bemused by the ultraconservative lawmakers who say they want smaller government and less government intrusion into people’s lives, except when it comes to who you can marry and how many children you should have.”

In the same CNN story, Mr. Drash reported on a Protestant chaplain who said that he has consoled about 50 pregnant rape victims through the years — typically girls raped by their fathers — while working with the Phoenix Police Department. This leaves open the question: Would Mr. Mourdock say that victims of rape impregnated by their own fathers or brothers or grandfathers be told in no uncertain terms to have the baby, because it is God’s intention?

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  • Rashelle Reid

    Absolutely spot on as always Neale. Many of us, have now broken free from our personal indoctrination and opened to love and as we did (or at least as I did) then began to experience the divine in all things. Like many of us, I knew at 8 years old that there was some serious flaws in the God I was being told about, but really the flaws were not God’s but the teachings, or the tools of control.

    Unfortunately our political leaders are so busy attaching to their beliefs and judgements that they just can’t see beyond them to the truth that awaits when they do. Have to say my particular view when it comes to our politicians at the moment is this wonderful quote “It is better to remain silent at the risk of being thought a fool, than to talk and remove all doubt of it!” Maurice Switzer

    A new breed of leaders has been born and they are ready to help as the transition to the new earth continues. You have played such a phenomenal role in that and I will always be grateful for you having opened your heart to God.


  • Tanya

    thanks for this…I struggle with this everyday! I had a child of an unwanted situation…today we don’t see eye to eye…he hates me in every way..I don’t believe in abortion, but I do believe in adoption. There is a reason why some ladies can’t have babies..and that is to love and care for the babies of these awful things that happen to girls like me…

  • Paula

    Fantastic insights and Bravo to the folks who truly stand up even in adversity and say what they truly believe! We are all capable of deciding if we believe it and all capable of ignoring the opinion. Now, if we could all just get to the point of deciding for ourselves without the need to punish/harm someone because they do not believe as we do!

  • Sebastian Peters

    Great stuff! NDW for the oval office! ;D

  • mewabe

    The Republican Taliban has been busy:

    – REP. TODD AKIN (R-MO): “It seems to me, from what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare,” Akin told KTVI-TV. “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”

    – REP. STEVE KING (R-IA): In an interview with Iowa’s KMEG-TV, King denied ever hearing about anyone getting pregnant from statutory rape or incest, saying: “Well I just haven’t heard of that being a circumstance that’s been brought to me in any personal way, and I’d be open to discussion about that subject matter.”

    – REP. ROSCOE BARTLETT (R-MD): At a town hall, Bartlett responded to a question about abortion by reiterating his longstanding opposition to the procedure in every case except for rape, incest, and if the life of the woman is in danger. But when an audience member pressed Bartlett on the rape exception, he suggested that few pregnancies result from rape.

    – LINDA MCMAHON: the Connecticut senate hopeful told a local newspaper that Catholic hospitals should not be required to provide emergency contraception to victims of rape. “I mean it’s a separation of church and state in my view, and I think that a religious institution has the right to decide what its policies would be in that, in that case,” she claimed. She later reversed herself.

    – TOM SMITH: the Republican challenging Sen. Bob Casey’s (D-PA) seat, suggested that having a child out of wedlock was analogous to rape during an interview with a reporter at a press club this afternoon, claiming that it would have a “similar” effect on a father.

    – STATE REP. ROGER RIVARD (R-WI): the state lawmakers, who also won Paul Ryan’s backing, claimed that some girls “rape easy” and sometimes portray a sexual encounter as rape if they become pregnant.

    – STATE REP. JIM BUCHY (R-OH): admitted that never thought about why a woman would want an abortion. After an Al Jazeera reporter asked Buchy why he thinks some women may want to have an abortion, he fumbled for an appropriate response before admitting he had never thought about that question before.

  • Joan Baxter

    Ultimately, if it manifests, it is the will of God. But God’s original act of WILL was to provide humankind CHOICE. This is different from INTENTION. God’s original intention was perfect, unconditional LOVE. Obviously there is a grey zone between mankind’s CHOICE and God’s perfect LOVE. That is where soul education (Karma) comes into play. Each soul will experience the pain and suffering it gives to other people. RAPE is not God’s gift to mankind. RAPE is mankind’s imperfect action and nothing more.

  • Buzz

    All events and circumstances ARE God, both as an expression and manifestation of God. So the rape and the rapist are God being God. The person being raped is God, both during the rape, and during the abortion or pregnancy. These subjects are easy to stereotype, and to judge, and make the rapist bad, the victim innocent, and society to blame. These judgements are human and imperfect. These judgements are emotional and irrational and spiteful and vengeful and unhealthy to everyone involved, especially the person who was raped.

  • Gina Abernathy

    As far as the rape is concerned and a pregnancy, God would never inflict his WILL on anyone because God does not require anything from us, therefor, she would never demand for a woman to have the baby or have an abortion. God gives all of us Free Will and the ability to make our own decisions about our own lives regarding the choices we will make do to our individual situations.

  • Michael L.

    Inspired by the free choice each of us are creators.

    This choice, this revolutionary idea that we are Gods, Godding, brings a different energy to the conversation, then who is right and who is wrong. We are all….Loving,and divine.

    Free choice, Free choice. We give life our perceptive to bring free choice to it’s benevolent changing evolution.
    Our thoughts not bathed in freedom are really not that high are they.

    Can we stop holding restricted thought energy over our selves?
    Can we liberate our thinking so we don’t hold these divisive words, but come from the love and compassion unified words and actions and deeds.

    We come from separate lives to add our unifying words to the mix,,,,,ah now that is why I’m here.

    What a revelation for me.

    If it doesn’t unify our thoughts of love, then why write it.

    I am a part of God and my part fits into the puzzle perfectly if I use high love all the time.

    So I would love you all to create the highest thoughts, the grandest words and the most joyous love you ever wrote down for all to read.

    Because I’m going to try my best from here on out.

  • J Felipe

    Dear Neale,

    I am a truly seeker of the truth, and a 100% believer on CWG.
    The question is.. we are free to do what we want, according to our vision of Divinity, what we think we are, what we think God is.
    But… we are not free to decide about the effects of different choices.. we are not free from the law of cause and effect.. am I right ??
    There are no guilties, no victims.. we are just God in action, and we must do nothing inm this life, but to be..bewho we are, every moment, every second of our lives, in the only moment that exists: NOW. But.. even on this scheme, my mind thinks of actions with “more love” or “less love”. Wouldn`t there be a most preferable choice on this matter?? abortion or having the baby. Would there be a “better” choice inthe way to loving ourselves?? not as a judgement, but according to the effects of the choice taken.
    I am sure you will understand my question.

    I would reallylove that you couldanswer my question.Yo would be glad to know how I talk everyday to people about CWG and how this leaded my life in the spiritual path.

    Sorry for my english.

    A very big hug,


  • Spiritual Always

    The Girl should be free to choose Abortion or not… and go with the consequences.

    Mourdock, Neale or I have no rights to bound her to any choice…!!

    commenting on her choice is very immature and Egoistic until we go through her situations Her shoes ….

    A Spiritual Advice-
    Only SPIRITUAL in this situation you AMERICANS can do is Prevent this guy Mourdock from coming to power… Or from any such rule to be imposed…

    No gentlest revolution can occur without a change

  • Pat

    Spiritual Always, keeping someone like Mourdock from being elected is restricted to those in his district or state. He represents a small portion of the American public, and the scary thing is that they vote for him. This tells you that there are many Americans who continue to hold such views, otherwise guys like him would not be elected. The question of course is how to reach the people who select the leaders. They are indoctrinated by their religion, which we treat as a “hands-off” subject.

    Some things you can bring to their attention:

    In the Old Testament in Numbers 5 there is a test for an unfaithful woman. It involves drinking a concoction made of slop from the floor of the Tabernacle where all the animals were sacrificed – think blood, guts, urine, feces splashed across the floor. The woman drinks this and if she aborts (miscarries) or dies, she’s guilty. If she stays healthy, she’s innocent. The man is not guilty in either event. This procedure is handed down directly from Bible God who clearly has no concern for the unborn child, given that it is not a “person” it is the “property” of some man. One would assume that Bible God knows about what e-coli can do to an unborn fetus.

    Ask, why is abortion bad? We kill animals all the time. They will say that the baby has a soul. OK, what happens to the soul when the baby is aborted, does the soul go to Hell? Well no, most Christians believe the baby goes to heaven. So, what’s the problem? A free ride to heaven, do not pass Go, do not suffer here for 3 score and 10 years, no chance of failing to believe the right thing and thereby suffer eternal torment – the baby’s soul get’s a free ride to heaven. That sounds like a heck of a good deal to me. Or is that the problem? Is there jealousy and anger that some souls don’t have to suffer like the rest of us?

    And if God’s all-powerful, couldn’t he send the baby’s soul back in another body, or does he tell the baby – “Nope, sorry. You have to go to heaven. You don’t get to suffer like the others.” Or maybe he can’t because he’s not all-powerful?

    And it’s always interesting to ask the people who are most opposed to abortion what their opinion is on capital punishment…

  • Shelly Epperly

    I think we each have to choose for ourselves but my opinion is that we each choose to come here to expand the universe, teach and learn from each other. If that time here is brief and almost non- existent as an abortion or miscarriage is just a way for a soul to step forth briefly for that expansion. Returning to pure love. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. my 2 cents.

  • Michelle

    No woman should ever be asked to carry an unwanted child period. Rape and being pregnant take that to a whole new level. If you have even known anyone who has raped, and abused, it effects them the rest of their life. To have that reminder in your body for 9 months is sick and wrong. Not only that but with the knowledge of neuro-biology and knowing that thought and the chemicals of thought effect not only our body, but that of the unborn is again just sick and wrong. We are conscious creations of SPIRIT, not of a body.

  • Michelle

    I want to add one more thing. GOD has no religion, only people do.

  • 1AmericanWoman

    all life is sacred – i truly believe that-I do not believe that God “intended” for any tragedy to happen, rape, death by violence, mental illness, homelessness, mass genocide – the list goes on & on. We are the hands & feet of God, here in this broken world. We are called to serve, not judge. That means praying & supporting someone who has been raped, helping them through a difficult decision & loving them though it all – no matter what decision they make. All life is sacred – if there were a way to transfer a fetus to another human being, to be carried to term – would you take it? Instead of terminating the pregnancy by aborting a fetus, you could “donate” the fetus? hmmmmmmm

  • Melissa

    I believe a man who thinks rape is okay must have done it a few times in his life. I know that everything that happens to us is a result of our planning our journey here on earth. It is between both man and woman as to why and what happens. I am just so tired of hearing about anything that has to do with this topic of rape. Thank you for letting me voice my opinion.

  • Joseph Sherman

    No, this is uter Nonsense! God would never “intend” such a thing!

  • lisakate

    FINALLY! thankyou Neale

  • Charlotta

    My answer is no, women who are raped schould be allowed to have abortion if thats what they want. God says we have a free will and nothing we do is wrong. God loves us whatever dicision we make. There is nothing wrong. Besides western women are in control of their own body nowadays.

  • Monique

    You really think God wants you to keep a baby created through the horrific act of a rape because you think “He wanted you to get pregnant that way?????

  • Shane Steger

    What is the sponsoring thought? Is it love or fear? No matter what the outcome if you choose love then it is the right one. This is where I have an issue with popular Christianity and what Christ’s message actually was. Jesus did not speak in absolutes, he spoke in parables. He saw the limitations of the law and showed us a better way. The way of love. That is the standard not a law. A rule or law would cause more harm than good. I think God desires us to choose love and gives us opportunities to do just that. Choosing love could lead to an abortion or it may not. God is not attached to either outcome. Without free will there is no love. Love is a choice. When someone wants to take choice away they are not choosing love, it is fear and control they desire and it is not of God. Free will can be imperfect and messy but we are made perfect through our imperfection…Wabi-Sabi. Choose love…it’s that simple. Love God, love yourself, and love each other because we are all one. A house divided cannot stand.

  • Linda Roosloot

    I believe Karma has got a big role in this kind of situations. Every soul who’s wants to reincarnate on Earth to learn their lessons is searching for the right situation here on Earth. This are some questions I’m asking myself and You in this situation being a mother myself.

    Isn’t it so that GWG has thought us that GOD send us all but Angels even when we don’t see it yet at that moment or even in our darkest moments? Isn’t it so that when a women is pregnant with a new live that she has got a ‘deal’ with this soul to give him or her the best situation on Earth for a learning experiance? Is it possible that the soul of the mother and the soul of the unborn child have some kind of connection with eachother or are from the same group of souls?

    And if you look at the conception…. Maybe the man gives the women a gift to experiance something, although it’s a most horrible one, to get to her experiance of live. So the women is able to change her anger, grieve, frustration and so on into LOVE for a new live.

    However, when the mother to be or the child has got medical problems during this pregnancy you can consider abortion. But even then….it’s always a difficult to choose.

    Ultimate LOVE is healing no matter how horrible your experiances of LIVE may be. This keeps me strong, hope it helps others too.

    I believe you never must judge anybody about these kind of situations even not the man who got her pregnant. Also I believe that it must be the choice of the women and not of anyone else.

    It’s a great topic to discuss especially here!

  • Andrew

    This worm Richard Mourdock needs a bullet in his head.

  • Carol Skelton

    This is not China. This is the USA where the government should not force any woman to have a baby or limit the amount of children you can have. The motivation behind is not sexual. It’s about power and control over another, forcing someone to do something they don’t want to do. Forcing a woman to have a baby is another form of rape. These politicians have every right to their beliefs, but they do not have the right to force them on others. And another piece of info for these ignorant men, having an abortion is just as awful as having a miscarriage, something these men will never have to experience.

  • stephen mills

    Carol Skelton you rock ,ignorance comes from the old cultural story of humans ,your thoughts are what the new spirituality is all about ,freedom without being judgmental.


  • Tracy Migrants

    I think it can be stated in a nutshell, God’s will does not include acts of violence and power over others, that is a human problem.

  • Spiritual Always

    The Girl should be free to choose Abortion or not… and go with the consequences.

    Mourdock, Neale or I have no rights to bound her to any choice…!!

    commenting on her choice is very immature and Egoistic until we go through her situations Her shoes ….

  • André Quaas, Germany

    It’s grotesque:
    If it’s God’s intention when women get pregnant in case of rape or incest, I must conclude :
    this rapes were sacred events. So the rapers should not be touched by law.
    What a “…bleeep…” .

    Women always have to learn to be carefully not to be raped. Who teaches men not to rape women?

  • Inger Lise Karlsen

    Dear friends.
    I have been reading with interrest all of the views above, and thank you very much.
    Now wonders, the opportunity of the free will at large, when it comes to ALL happenings in the life? I am refering to the mass-consciousness contra the individual choice, and how the mass consciouness will be influenced by the ONE individual(F.inst. by to read The Seth Books by Jane Roberts)? Or, the other way around of us, each of us, of to be the counterparts of the many?
    But what if ALL happenings will be a illusion(ACIM), of us living within a Holographic Universe(Star Trek)forever imprinted upon time and space, and of all of us living each others life, but each of us have decided(refering to of what Neale have told above), as of a divine expression of The Self, experiencing the de-illusion of “hell” created by ourselves(as a part of the divine plan of course)?
    Hmm, the summary must be of each indvidual to be experiencing each others life?

  • Isabella

    Abortion. Even the sound of the word sends shivers up my spine.
    I have had abortions and I was not raped. I had abortions because I did not think about getting pregnant while having sex. I was young and foolish. I know, how ignorant of me .
    I was young when I had my first two abortions. I didn’t suffer emotionally or psychologically. I had a son not long after and he became my constant joy . I reasoned that I would not have had him in my life if I had not have had the other abortions. I couldn’t imagine loving another child more than I loved him.

    Years later I became pregnant again. I was in a new relationship which , to say the least, was far from loving. He didn’t want the child but told me he would support me financially, that ultimately the decision was up to me.
    I was in a terrible quandary. I thought a child would impact our relationship in a negative way, that it would take away my freedom, that I would be “stuck.”
    I knew on top of this it was a result of my own impulsive nature that had caused this and once again I was in a predicament I had sworn would never happen to me again.
    I had the abortion. I was Ok for about a month. Then one day a woman came to talk to me and mentioned the six abortions she had had. It was as if in that moment an electric shock went through me. Every fiber in my body screamed at me ” what had I done?” I had willingly murdered my own child.
    From that moment forward , and for at least two years following, I suffered in such ways it would be hard to even describe. To make matters worse I had called a psychic and she told me that I would have an abortion, but it would have been a beautiful girl with lots of spunk. My son would have called her “Squirt.” Every waking moment I thought of the daughter I would not have. I knew her age to the day , her birth date, I thought of the stories I would never read to her, the birds in the sky I could never show her, the birthday parties she would never experience, the songs we would never sing together. The list goes on and on. I lived a dual reality. My life that was being lived and my life with my daughter in it. Only there was no daughter and there was no daughter because of me. My mind created a place of hell for me to reside in and some days , many days, I wondered if I could go on. Triggers were everywhere, even the mention of the word sent me into an emotional hell. Bumper stickers, “abortions stop a beating heart” , TV adds, any mention on it was excruciating. I could not talk about it because I had done it to myself and it is something that , in our society, is not discussed.
    I went so far as to attend “Rachael s Vineyard ” a Catholic retreat . I shuddered at the thought of going to a Catholic anything but it was the only thing offered that spoke of finding some kind of relief. I didn’t want to die but I could not imagine continuing to live in this way.
    The people giving the retreat were very helpful but it didn’t help .
    Finally, in 2009 I fell upon the books of Neale Donald Walsch and I began to find some solace through his writings. Something spoke to me and I saw that he was having an upcoming retreat.
    My partner and I decided to go.
    On close to the last day of the retreat I summoned up the courage to speak. To tell a roomful of sixty plus people your most personal and damning secret was terrifying. I tentatively put my hand up. Neale saw me and I know he saw the incredible suffering imprinted on my mind and soul. He immediately came right over to me. I knew instantly that he understood my suffering.
    He asked me three questions:
    “Do you believe in a soul?”
    “Do you believe the soul lasts forever?” ( I believe this is the second question, please correct me if I am wrong)
    Do you believe the soul does anything it doesn’t want to do?”

    It was this last question that something , perhaps my soul, sighed with relief and forgiveness flooded me like a bright warm light.
    I finally felt as if I had not ended a child’s right to live; that perhaps this soul had chosen this experience for itself. That for this unborn this had been a temporary journey into the physical realm but there would be many more lifetimes and many more experiences for the soul to actualize and experience the next grandest version of itself. Maybe this was one of those instances.

    I write these words because I am a woman and I know the pain and suffering many many women endure because of the choice they have made to have an abortion. It is my ‘calling’ to help those move through this and forgive themselves. I have much to learn still but I believe a memoir of my experience will help others.
    I will forever be grateful to Neale.

  • Michael L

    With tears of Gratitude, Thank you Isabella for sharing.

    Your journey bring depth to this life, my life.