Why Did I Create All of This Pain?

Last year there were many changes in my life. My husband and I went into bankruptcy. My marriage ended against my will, I left my husband after 20 years together still loving him.  I returned to my parents’ house in another continent, where living conditions have nothing to do with Europe. One of my daughters went to heaven.  All I’m assimilating the best I can, knowing that everything was produced by me. But I want to know what my daughter in heaven thinks or feels about me. Was it necessary to live all that pain? How I can make my life from now on one not through pain? Please explain what I did wrong and how to correct. My two children that I still have with me need and deserve a good mother, to accompany this process in the best possible way.

~ Maria


Thank you for reaching out.  I am very sorry to hear of all the pain you have experienced in the past year or so, my heart goes out to you, especially in the loss of your daughter.

Hear me when I say you did nothing wrong.  This is not your fault.  There is nothing to “correct”.

Here is the misunderstanding about creating our experience that I see many people have: while it is true that we are the creators of our experience, we are not necessarily the creators of the events that show up in our lives.  Rather, we are co-creators of the events that show up in our lives.  Each and every person that experiences an event with us has played a part in creating the event itself.  For example, if you experience the event of a car accident, it was not created by you alone.  It was co-created by everyone who was impacted by it: the other car involved, the witnesses who saw it happen, your friends and family who are concerned and who you may have told about it, even the people who built the road that the accident happened on.  Our role as conscious creators is how we choose to experience an event, how we choose to experience the car accident.  Does this make sense?

So let me be very clear, it is not your fault that your daughter passed on, you did not cause that.  And I can tell you with utter certainty that she doesn’t blame you, isn’t mad at you, and in fact, loves you so much that her soul agreed to depart at the time it did in order to give all the co-creators involved the opportunity to experience themselves as certain things within the context of “loss”.  It is okay to feel the pain, to be sad, to miss your daughter.  That is part of your experience.  But you also get to decide how you want to experience life after loss; in other words, who do you want to be now?  I hear that you want to be a good mother to your children who are still with you. So your job is to decide what that looks like and be it.  It may also be beneficial to write your daughter who passed on a letter, for your own healing, telling her everything that is in your heart to tell.

In regards to your question of how to move forward without the pain and struggle, my answer is to let go of the story you are telling that life is painful, that you are creating pain.  Begin to shift your focus on all that is wonderful in your life, and keep it there as much as possible.  This is the most powerful thing you can do for yourself and for your family at this time.  In fact, I recommend developing the practice of daily gratitudes.  That is, begin writing down at least 10 things that you are truly grateful for, that you love or appreciate, every single day.  And furthermore, consciously choose to make your last thoughts before you fall asleep at night, as well as the first thoughts you have when you wake up in the morning, thoughts of gratitude.  This is where we become the creators of our own experience.  If you choose to focus on the “negative”, or the “pain” or the “struggle”, then you will continue to create more of that experience.  But if you choose to focus on and pay more attention to the beauty of life, what you do have versus what you don’t have, what you love versus what you resent or don’t like, then you will create more experiences of good things.  It is really quite remarkable.

The other thing I recommend is to continue reaching out to others, do what you need to do to heal yourself from what happened, and know that you don’t have to do it alone.  Meditation and journaling are also great ways to both heal and to live more consciously without pain and struggle, as well as being able to better deal with pain and struggle when it does show up.  I think you a remarkable, wonderful, beautiful woman and mother, Maria.  You have the power to experience your life any way you want to.  Please let me know if I can assist you in any other way, and thank you for being willing to share your story and for trusting there is a better way of living for you and for your children.


(Nova Wightman is a CWG Life Coach, as well as the owner and operator of Go Within Life Coaching, www.gowithincoaching.com, specializing in helping individuals blend their spirituality with their humanity in a way that makes life more enjoyable, easy, and fulfilling.  She can be reached at Nova@theglobalconversation.com. )

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