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Dear Therese,
I had dreams and plans that had to be put on hold because of family circumstances. I made promises that I sincerely wish to keep, but I, none the less, find my mind wandering to those dreams and plans more and more. I don’t want to back out on my promises to others, but I would really like the opportunity to follow my dreams. What can I do?
Darla in Fargo, ND
Polonius:
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Hamlet Act 1, scene 3, 78-82
Dear Darla,
In CWG terms, betrayal of yourself, so as not to betray another, is the greatest betrayal of all.
Why? Because there is no other. When you betray yourself, your giving is tinged with the energy of betrayal in all you do. You serve no one as well as you think you are serving them. In some way the people to whom you made the promises know that you are giving from your lack and not your fullness…and that means they know that at least some piece of you is far away from them.
It has been my experience that when I finally let go of the notion that I am the only one that can do something, or that I only have one way of fulfilling my promises, those promises have a way of still being kept! One way of importance is that I enable others to step in and take the burden off, enabling them to demonstrate their greatness.
When we think that we are the only ones who can do something, or that there is only one way of having dreams fulfilled, we get frustrated. We move into expectation instead of preference, which is so very limiting…and why do we keep limiting a limitless Universe?
Perhaps you could give a thought to fulfilling your dreams where you are? Have you looked at the possibility of combining old and new dreams? Maybe you can include the people to whom you made promises in your dreams? Maybe they are ready for an adventure? Consider, also, that you are where you are for a reason, if only for now. What are you being called to look at?
Of equal importance in this process is this: Once you have decided it is time to be true to yourself, you must also tell the truth to yourself. Admit all of the negative as well as the positive emotions surrounding this. You may find that there is something entirely different than you think driving your feelings. When you tell the truth to yourself, Darla, then, when you talk of changes to the others you wish not to betray, they will know they are hearing the truth. This does not mean that they will react in a positive way necessarily, but it does mean that they will know, if only on their soul level (only??), that you are being true to yourself, and by extension, them.
Finally, be Grateful for it all.
Gratitude for all that is, is the engine that drives what is to come. Yes, difficult sometimes, but can’t we all look back at our lives and see how something that seemed “not good” at the time, turned out to have one heck of a silver lining? Look for that silver lining right now. If you can not see it, know that it does exist!
I know that’s a lot to take in, Darla, so take things as slowly as you wish right now, and when/if the time is right to make a change trust yourself. It may be kind of scary, but know that it is also an adventure, and an opportunity to experience Life as fully as you can!
Therese
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.ChangingChange.net . She may be contacted at: Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
An additional resource: ChangingChange.net offers spiritual assistance from a team of non-professional/volunteer Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less. Nothing on the CCN site should be construed or is intended to take the place of or be in any way similar to professional therapeutic or counseling services. The site functions with the gracious willing assistance of lay persons without credentials or experience in the helping professions. What these volunteers possess is an awareness of the theology of Conversations with God. It is from this context that they offer insight, suggestions, and spiritual support during moments of unbidden, unexpected, or unwelcome change on the journey of life.
Dear Therese,
I am at the time of my life where I realize I have far fewer years behind me than ahead of me, and I have to admit I am afraid of death. I have always been afraid of death. Even when I was young, and practicing my religion I never thought death was anything except just stopping. I would like to believe something else, but right now I just believe death is forever nothingness, and I think about it a lot.
Nancy in St. Paul
Dear Nancy,
Increasingly there is evidence that there is life after death, due to things like near death experiences, but it is still very contradictory at best. Some think it concrete evidence, some think it evidence of what our bodies do when under certain conditions and stresses. I happen to think it is not strictly chemical.
Getting to the very basics of science, energy can never go away, it can only change form, right? Which means, if nothing else, we will continue on for sure, even if not in the form we are experiencing right now. Not very comforting, though, is it?
I also happen to resonate with things in the CWG world…go figure! In “Home With God, in a life that never ends” Neale Donald Walsch talks with God about death. One of the things that seems most true, given the anecdotal evidence mentioned above, is that what we believe about death is what we will experience after we die. If we believe in hell, or, in your case, nothingness, that is exactly what we will experience…until we decide we have finished this particular human experience all the way to its completion, and are ready to meet up with the All (God, if you will), and choose again. We can choose to do the same life again, or we can choose one of the infinite possibilities that exist called “The Life of Nancy.” Or we could stay with Creator, but that isn’t likely, because the urge to experience what we know would be very alluring.
Part of what I hear you saying, though, Nancy, is that you have a particular attachment to this body, and this mind. What if I were to tell you that it is also suggested in “The Only Thing That Matters,” by Neale, that we change form for a bit, but that we ultimately reunite with this same mind/body/soul that we now are? Our form changes energy, much like snowflake to rain to ice to vapor and back to snow. It is all the same thing, but different forms, and we will resume our form as well. For me this is comforting, and explains a lot of my feelings of been-there done-that!
Of course, as is glibly said, there’s no getting away from the fact that we are going to die, but that does not mean that we have to dwell in the fear of it either. Ultimately it is just another change in a life that is nothing but change…each change can be called a little death, and, if you are like me, you can also look back and see that each “little death” opened up the pathway for something else. I think it is pretty cool to sit and imagine what that “something else” will be after the change called my physical death!
Nancy, I hope that you can imagine that, too, and choose to live this life consciously and with joy, and not waste it through living fearfully…although, you will get the chance to do it again if you’d like!
Therese
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.ChangingChange.net, which offers spiritual assistance from a team of Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less, and offers insight, suggestions, and companionship during moments of unbidden, unexpected, unwelcome change on the journey of life. She may be contacted at Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
Dear Therese,
I am a young stay at home mother of two, happily married, and I am a fairly spiritual person. My life is really good, but I still feel kind of depressed. I read CWG saying that my life isn’t about me, it’s about others, so I give all I can to my children, my husband and I do volunteer work. I think I need some “me” time, but I feel guilty because that might take away from my giving to others. What am I missing? Aren’t I supposed to feel better because I am giving?
Ann in Missouri
Dear Ann,
Yes! You are supposed to feel better, but it isn’t your fault that you don’t. Cultural influences around the world tell us that women are not supposed to be selfish, that they are not equal to men, that they should be ashamed, and that time for themselves is time they should be using to give. They have it backwards.
Ann, you are one of the “others” that you can give to. You are certainly an “other” to those who know you. Are you trying to do all of this alone, or are you reaching out and taking help when it is offered? I know that I thought I had to be strong and independent…but it only isolated me. It is not weakness to ask for help. If it is okay to give to others, it is also okay to give to yourself.
Let me expand on that. If you do not fill yourself up, do you realize that you are not really giving as well as you think you are? When you are running on fumes, even if you are giving all that you are capable of giving, the person to whom you are giving still knows they are not being given the very best you can give. They may not know why something doesn’t feel right and true, but they know it, and don’t accept your efforts in the way you think they should…which means your effort was inefficient at best. We do no one full justice when we do not give ourselves full justice. When we are insufficiently full, we give insufficiently.
It is not selfish to have “me” time, if the intent of that time is to make yourself whole, so that you may give of yourself well. That is the mistake we make in our cultures.
selfish |ˈselfi sh |
adjective
(of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.
Sweetie, you do not fit the description of “selfish”. You do fit the description of tired, and needing to fill yourself.
Taking “me” time can take many forms. The first form I would suggest is simply using the word “no” more often. If you are like me, the kids will invariably come into the bathroom whenever you are there…close the door! I even wrote a poem once called, “The Temple That is my Bathroom”! quiet, personal time, consciously taken, does not need a special space. Take a bubble bath, or long hot shower, and shave those legs or use that loofah for more than 10 seconds…consciously enjoying the delicious time taken just for you. Meditate…there are many ways of meditating that don’t require you to sit for an hour, including simply being aware of your breath, or stopping for a moment and noticing who you are with respect to your surroundings.
There are grander things, of course, like taking a short vacation by yourself, or with your spouse to get reacquainted, going to two movies in the same day, auditioning for a play (not volunteering, unless it allows you to move into an area of joy you don’t usually get to experience), or sending the kids off to grandmother’s for a week. Consider going on a retreat.
“Me” time is essential…and you should also thank your depression for helping you to be aware of what is not working for you. Depression gets a bad rap in this world. Yes, there are people who are clinically depressed, and that is a very different thing, but most of us are called by depression to do something very simple…to stop…and listen to our bodies and our spirit, and recognize what is not working. Pay attention to it. It could also be a sign that you are not eating well, BTW, so remember that you are a mind/BODY/spirit being.
So, sweet Ann, be selfish. You just might find your full magnificence if you are!
Therese
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.ChangingChange.net, which offers spiritual assistance from a team of Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less, and offers insight, suggestions, and companionship during moments of unbidden, unexpected, unwelcome change on the journey of life. She may be contacted at Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
Dear Therese,
Recently someone I know sent me a really nasty e-mail out of the blue. I admit I don’t know this person well, but it still came as quite a shock and surprised me at how much I am upset by this. Should I write back? If I do, what should I say?
Surprised
Dear Surprised,
I don’t think it is going to come as any surprise that I am going to ask you to look at yourself in this situation. Not because I think you have done anything to cause this particular situation, mind you, but to simply ask yourself what in this situation is your moment of growth. Is this type of thing a usual trigger? Does someone being upset with you usually cause you to be unusually effected? Why do you worry so because this person was “mean” to you? I am sure you can come up with others to ask yourself!
I ask these questions because what you are experiencing is actually quite normal. What isn’t normal these days is to stop and understand that it doesn’t matter what anyone else says, it matters how you accept what they say, and how you choose to feel and be in the aftermath of the words. The children’s nursery rhyme had it right…sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never harm me!
I heard a little story (paraphrasing here, of course) that tells of the Buddha teaching the wife of a wealthy man. Her husband noticed that his wife had changed, and he did not like the change, so he found the Buddha and approached him in anger. The Buddha simply held up his hand and said, “I do not accept your gift of anger. Accept, instead, my gift of love.” And walked away, leaving the man standing silent, not knowing what to say.
“Start telling the truth now and never stop. Begin by telling the truth to yourself about yourself. Then tell the truth to yourself about someone else. Then tell the truth about yourself to another. Then tell the truth about another to that other. Finally, tell the truth to everyone about everything. These are the 5 levels of truth telling. This is the five-fold path to freedom.” ~Neale Donald Walsch
Surprised, what would happen if you gave a response that told her, even though gently, how you felt when she used those hurtful words? Not what you thought about them, but how you felt. Would that harm, or example how to appropriately communicate? I would suggest you respond with your gift of love.
I don’t know if you will see an instant change in the situation, although you may, but I do know that responding to her from the space of anger will not change anything. Share the truth about your feelings, expecting nothing but the ability to share as your reward for doing so. Plant the seed of example. Then let the universe handle how and when it will grow.
Therese
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.ChangingChange.net, which offers spiritual assistance from a team of Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less, and offers insight, suggestions, and companionship during moments of unbidden, unexpected, unwelcome change on the journey of life. She may be contacted at Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
Hi, I take your offer and have a question for you:
Since I work hard on me to except everything in my life and I am way more relaxed with whatever life throws at me… the downside is that I don’t have much motivation to achieve things, cause things doesn’t annoy me anymore so there is not much need to do something about it. But I work way under my qualification (I am a social worker and work as a support worker), and I know that I have the skills to do much more, to change things, to make a real difference, but I simply can’t be bothered. That would be okay if I would be happy like this, but I am not and want to live my whole potential. I am stuck in between… have no drive to change things since that is the only thing bothering me….
Does this make sense?
many thanks,
Verena
Yes, Verena, it makes perfect sense. I think the confusion comes in thinking that because you believe life is happening perfectly, you no longer have a reason, or right, to try and change what is happening in your life. I believe that just the opposite is true. Accepting all that is happening does not mean that change can’t or shouldn’t happen. It means that you are no longer giving your energy to the past, and can now give that energy to what is in front of you, that you might be able to change.
You see, once you know everything is perfect, the natural thing is to wish that understanding for everyone. When you see those who are doing harm to themselves, or to you, you should do what you can to move them into an understanding that this is not working for them. Being a social worker puts you right in the middle of doing just that! You can be relaxed and motivated to help at the same time.
Perhaps you are not letting the proper thing motivate you, Verena. Is money your motivator? Or acclaim for what you do? Or is helping others your motivator? As a social worker, I think you just might understand that this life is, ultimately, not about you. Yes, you must take care of yourself and be kind to yourself, and doing that is not being selfish. If you are spiritually healthy, then you are in a better position to give of yourself fully. And when you give of yourself fully, you can give others back to themselves more fully.
The Christian Bible says to be in this world, but not of this world. To me, this does not say to distance yourself from living. To me,it means to look at how you are living from a spiritual perspective…and doing that gives you calmness and motivation. It means to see things as they are, love them and move forward from that love to raise all that you touch to a different level.
Make sure, also, Verena, that you are not using your understanding of spirituality as an excuse to not be motivated. Spirituality does not mean withdrawing from life, it means fully engaging from a very different level of life! It means living to your fullest potential because it gives you joy to simply Be who you really are, and demonstrate who that is. If you are doing this, then you may actually find you have money and accolades, but they will be secondary things.
Lena, you get to decide what you wish to Be in this life. Just the fact that you have written this question tells me that you are questioning what you think you believe about spirituality. Continue questioning…and then decide what makes you feel…just feel. Feel good, feel passionate, joyful…engaged.
If you would like a continuing dialog on this topic, we have Life Coaches on the site who answer questions. (Nova Wightman, Annie Sims, J.R. Westen, and Kevin McCormack), or you could go over to The Changing Change Network, and talk about it with Spiritual Helpers and wonderful peer members.
Therese
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.ChangingChange.net, which offers spiritual assistance from a team of Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less, and offers insight, suggestions, and companionship during moments of unbidden, unexpected, unwelcome change on the journey of life. She may be contacted at Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
I am reading WECCE, and I am in need of such help right now. I am full of anxiety, fear, and loneliness for the first time in my life. During the past 2 months, my best friend moved away, my boyfriend, who I loved dearly, broke things off. Then last week my dog was killed. I know in my heart and soul that I am supposed to be going through these changes, but I’m having such a hard time letting things go. I built my life for two 1/2 years around my boyfriend. I have lived alone in several cities with job transfers, etc. And I LOVE where I am living now, and I thought I had met someone with so many interests. I had some of the best times in my life with this person, but he could not give me the spiritual support and move on to build a future with me. I completely lost and disliked myself. I KNOW of all this, so why is my heart just clinging to everything? Why can’t I feel ANY joy in anything I do or see? I try and try to see the beauty in my home, in nature, in ALL things that brought me such great joy. I just want to let everything go..let go of the pain, let go of the wondering of how I manifested this all. I never imagined I would feel such loneliness – ever.
I know my pain will heal and I will feel (and eat) normally again. I will continue to pray and meditate to love myself more. Here it comes…BUT…loving yourself when you are BY yourself is pretty easy (I think), as I have lived alone quite a bit in my life. The big test comes when you are joined with someone else. I have been emotionally unavailable and feared intimacy ALL my life – hence why I have attracted men that are the same. I want to do everything in my power to change that. How do I know when I’m really ready? And to really know that my subconscious is going to attract someone that will be good for me? Do I trust my feeling? How do I lose the fear? I would appreciate any help….
C.D.
Dear C.D.,
WECCE is about how to embrace Change (another word for God/Evolution), and how to choose how we live in that change. Part of that process involves looking at our current Truth. What version of that truth are we living? Most of us are living in distorted truth. We can, however, move pretty easily to apparent Truth by simply reframing it with no judgment. For instance, “My boyfriend broke things off” could merely be “My boyfriend is not with me anymore. ” “I completely lost and disliked myself” could be “I was not being who I really am in the relationship.” Even “I can’t feel any joy” could be transformed with “I am experiencing a lack of joy right now,” which would easily allow you to experience the lack of joy with Gratitude, because you know it is only what you are feeling right now, not something that has to go on forever…unless you choose to let it go on forever.
For every negative thought, there is the opposite positive one. Look for these opposites, C.D., as you re-train yourself. It takes practice! If you are even reaching out, it means that you are beginning to do just that…practice being good to yourself! Negativity is definitely not good for you or anyone else.
Take a good look, and you will see your post is all about the past! This has nothing to do, ultimately, with now…unless you allow it to be. In reading WECCE, you will have read that this is all past data. This past data came from many sources, all of which thought that they were protecting you in some way…and all of which were subconscious, and controlled by the ego. The ego is the part of you that defines you as human, as an individual human, but, nonetheless, is also the part of us that operates out of fear. This fear is designed to keep us in the familiar and actually stop us from moving into what is truly our better selves. Fear holds us in place in the now, not in the manner of being present, but from the place of looking back and avoiding looking and moving forward.
Life, as they say, begins at the edge of your comfort zone…and your comfort zone is fear. Why do you wish to live your life in fear? It is serving you in some way? Since all we do serves us. Do you get to define yourself as the person who is emotionally unavailable? or the person who is fearful of intimacy? In some way, this has served you, but do you wish it to continue to serve you? Yes, we can choose to love what the past has shown us (in this case you know intimately what fear and unavailable feel like and how you are when you embrace them) and actually choose to be the opposite of that! This is a world of context, of opposites, and if you know one thing, you are now very well able to know the other…if you choose to remember.
I would take the “gut” test when you have a thought. Your tummy will tell you if you are coming from fear or love. Ask yourself why you even feel you have to have someone in your life right now. How does the answer feel? Look in the mirror and look into your eyes and very quietly tell yourself you love you…and keep doing it.
The first time I read in CWG the part about saying out loud, “I love sex or money or…” and then it asked me to say loudly, “I love me!” I found it amazing that I was unable to say that without hesitation. Wow! And I am a pretty self-confident person, so I knew if it was difficult for me, it must be almost impossible for others. I was okay with all of it, but not the unabashed loving of myself!
C.D., not only can you tell yourself you love yourself, I would like to tell you something else…you are love! Just by being here, you have demonstrated that you are love! By writing this note, you have shown you can overcome fear, which is a supreme act of self love. How wonderful is that?
Be gentle with yourself and be proactive…choose! You are choosing Change right now, actively, because passivity has not served you well. Way to go!
Therese
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.ChangingChange.net, which offers spiritual assistance from a team of Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less, and offers insight, suggestions, and companionship during moments of unbidden, unexpected, unwelcome change on the journey of life. She may be contacted at Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
