When everything changes change everything
Dear Therese,
I am a young stay at home mother of two, happily married, and I am a fairly spiritual person. My life is really good, but I still feel kind of depressed. I read CWG saying that my life isn’t about me, it’s about others, so I give all I can to my children, my husband and I do volunteer work. I think I need some “me” time, but I feel guilty because that might take away from my giving to others. What am I missing? Aren’t I supposed to feel better because I am giving?
Ann in Missouri
Dear Ann,
Yes! You are supposed to feel better, but it isn’t your fault that you don’t. Cultural influences around the world tell us that women are not supposed to be selfish, that they are not equal to men, that they should be ashamed, and that time for themselves is time they should be using to give. They have it backwards.
Ann, you are one of the “others” that you can give to. You are certainly an “other” to those who know you. Are you trying to do all of this alone, or are you reaching out and taking help when it is offered? I know that I thought I had to be strong and independent…but it only isolated me. It is not weakness to ask for help. If it is okay to give to others, it is also okay to give to yourself.
Let me expand on that. If you do not fill yourself up, do you realize that you are not really giving as well as you think you are? When you are running on fumes, even if you are giving all that you are capable of giving, the person to whom you are giving still knows they are not being given the very best you can give. They may not know why something doesn’t feel right and true, but they know it, and don’t accept your efforts in the way you think they should…which means your effort was inefficient at best. We do no one full justice when we do not give ourselves full justice. When we are insufficiently full, we give insufficiently.
It is not selfish to have “me” time, if the intent of that time is to make yourself whole, so that you may give of yourself well. That is the mistake we make in our cultures.
selfish |ˈselfi sh |
adjective
(of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.
Sweetie, you do not fit the description of “selfish”. You do fit the description of tired, and needing to fill yourself.
Taking “me” time can take many forms. The first form I would suggest is simply using the word “no” more often. If you are like me, the kids will invariably come into the bathroom whenever you are there…close the door! I even wrote a poem once called, “The Temple That is my Bathroom”! quiet, personal time, consciously taken, does not need a special space. Take a bubble bath, or long hot shower, and shave those legs or use that loofah for more than 10 seconds…consciously enjoying the delicious time taken just for you. Meditate…there are many ways of meditating that don’t require you to sit for an hour, including simply being aware of your breath, or stopping for a moment and noticing who you are with respect to your surroundings.
There are grander things, of course, like taking a short vacation by yourself, or with your spouse to get reacquainted, going to two movies in the same day, auditioning for a play (not volunteering, unless it allows you to move into an area of joy you don’t usually get to experience), or sending the kids off to grandmother’s for a week. Consider going on a retreat.
“Me” time is essential…and you should also thank your depression for helping you to be aware of what is not working for you. Depression gets a bad rap in this world. Yes, there are people who are clinically depressed, and that is a very different thing, but most of us are called by depression to do something very simple…to stop…and listen to our bodies and our spirit, and recognize what is not working. Pay attention to it. It could also be a sign that you are not eating well, BTW, so remember that you are a mind/BODY/spirit being.
So, sweet Ann, be selfish. You just might find your full magnificence if you are!
Therese
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.ChangingChange.net, which offers spiritual assistance from a team of Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less, and offers insight, suggestions, and companionship during moments of unbidden, unexpected, unwelcome change on the journey of life. She may be contacted at Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
Dear Therese,
Recently someone I know sent me a really nasty e-mail out of the blue. I admit I don’t know this person well, but it still came as quite a shock and surprised me at how much I am upset by this. Should I write back? If I do, what should I say?
Surprised
Dear Surprised,
I don’t think it is going to come as any surprise that I am going to ask you to look at yourself in this situation. Not because I think you have done anything to cause this particular situation, mind you, but to simply ask yourself what in this situation is your moment of growth. Is this type of thing a usual trigger? Does someone being upset with you usually cause you to be unusually effected? Why do you worry so because this person was “mean” to you? I am sure you can come up with others to ask yourself!
I ask these questions because what you are experiencing is actually quite normal. What isn’t normal these days is to stop and understand that it doesn’t matter what anyone else says, it matters how you accept what they say, and how you choose to feel and be in the aftermath of the words. The children’s nursery rhyme had it right…sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never harm me!
I heard a little story (paraphrasing here, of course) that tells of the Buddha teaching the wife of a wealthy man. Her husband noticed that his wife had changed, and he did not like the change, so he found the Buddha and approached him in anger. The Buddha simply held up his hand and said, “I do not accept your gift of anger. Accept, instead, my gift of love.” And walked away, leaving the man standing silent, not knowing what to say.
“Start telling the truth now and never stop. Begin by telling the truth to yourself about yourself. Then tell the truth to yourself about someone else. Then tell the truth about yourself to another. Then tell the truth about another to that other. Finally, tell the truth to everyone about everything. These are the 5 levels of truth telling. This is the five-fold path to freedom.” ~Neale Donald Walsch
Surprised, what would happen if you gave a response that told her, even though gently, how you felt when she used those hurtful words? Not what you thought about them, but how you felt. Would that harm, or example how to appropriately communicate? I would suggest you respond with your gift of love.
I don’t know if you will see an instant change in the situation, although you may, but I do know that responding to her from the space of anger will not change anything. Share the truth about your feelings, expecting nothing but the ability to share as your reward for doing so. Plant the seed of example. Then let the universe handle how and when it will grow.
Therese
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.ChangingChange.net, which offers spiritual assistance from a team of Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less, and offers insight, suggestions, and companionship during moments of unbidden, unexpected, unwelcome change on the journey of life. She may be contacted at Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
Being in the midst of change anyway, we have decided to shift the title of this column from “Health and Wellness” to “Holistic Living.” Our wonderful editor, Lisa McCormack, asked me the other day if it didn’t seem to be a more appropriate title given what I am up to in the world. You see, I have a passion for helping people make simple changes to create healthier, happier lives. It is my steadfast belief, and on-the-ground experience, that there must be a holistic approach taken if positive lasting change is to occur. Whatever the challenges we may face, whether in our personal lives, or in our collective experience, we must address and shift at the level of the whole being when a symptom of dis-ease appears.
Dis-ease is nature’s way of saying that something you are doing isn’t working. While sometimes painful, it isn’t personal. It’s merely a sign that shows up to help guide us to a greater understanding of how things work naturally. If ignored, the symptoms get worse; and if ignored long enough, the system fails. If addressed in time, the system returns to its functionality, which is always about a return to balance. Balance is the key in all systems in nature, including the health of our body. When one part of a system is out of balance, it affects the whole, which is why a Holistic approach to living and healing any out of balance system is always the most effective way of returning it, and us, to our natural state…which is well-being itself.
When you realize the interconnectedness of it all, including all of us, you realize how important it is to make conscious decisions at every level in our lives…every choice made affects the whole. For example, the idea expressed in Conversations with God that “We Are All One” changed the way I viewed my world and the choices I now make in life. The realization that my choices impacted not just my life, but the lives of everyone, changed everything for me and the way I operate in the world. Conscious living was born within me as a result of the consequences of unconscious living. This is the process of life. Life informs itself through the living of life itself. I awaken to what doesn’t work and then become aware of other possibilities that might. Sometimes also called growing up, it’s that moment in a human being’s life when they realize, it just isn’t all about me. This is where the conversation of conscious living begins to challenge not only how we live, but how we live in the world as well.
With life comes freedom, with freedom comes responsibility, and responsibility literally means our ability to choose how we respond to life..the consequences of those choices create our living reality. We are free to make any choice available to us. But are we free to have our choices impact others negatively?
Smoking is a good example of this. There are consequences of smoking to the smoker and there are consequences to the others exposed to a smoker. These shared consequences have differing levels of responsibility attached to them. The smoker makes their choice, which they are free to do, but what about the effect their behavior has on others? Especially others that cannot choose their exposure to the smoke…like children.
In truth, smoking works for no one, unless ones desired outcome is slow death and diseases like cancer and COPD. It works perfectly for that. Forgive the sarcasm, but do we really need further evidence of this truth? Yet people continue to choose to smoke while they and others die from it everyday. These are the consequences of smoking. Do so at your own peril, but consider your actions on others as well. I was a smoker, so I am not throwing stones here. But if I were, they would be to awaken you before the metaphorical boulder careening down the mountainside directly at you wipes you clean off the planet. Read last week’s column for a reminder of just how delicate and brief life can be.
Conscious living, then, comes out of the consequences experienced out of unconscious living, except when it doesn’t. That is, we can choose to ignore our experience and continue behaving in ways we know do not serve us. Part of the definition of Addiction is “continued use of a substance or behavior in spite of negative consequences.” Still, every act is informative, even if it ends your physical form, for do we not learn from our collective behavior and evolve? Slower than I would like to see, but nonetheless, we do evolve, we do grow, we are awakening to the human potential through the process of living something other than our highest possibility at any given time. Does it have to be that way? Yes and no…you get to choose. That is the great secret.
It is my mission to help myself and others experience this greater possibility of beingness that drives me in all areas of my work. With my new position in the Conversations with God Foundation and our common mission which comes from the words God expressed to Neale Donald Walsch through his writings of the CwG material, “Be the next grandest version of the greatest vision ever you held about who you are.” These words drive me forward to find ways to help awaken what my Father called “the sleeping giant within.” Also known as “Christ Consciousness” and by other names as well, the spark of potential lives within us all, waiting to be tapped, yearning to be expressed. It is this very spark that is the key to ending suffering and the pain associated with the choices that do not serve us, other than to awaken us to our true potential and our truth.
The question for me is always how to make that practical so the wisdom within us can be realized and made manifest in the lives of those we have the great fortune to serve. The further mission of the CwG Foundation is “to give people back to themselves.” We also put it this way: “To remind people to remember who they really are.” When you remember who you really are, what your true nature and potential is, the questions become simple. Who will I choose to BE today? What will I choose to BEcome next? It truly is “To Be or Not to Be.” It really is that simple. That is why you are called Human BEing!
SO, what say you? We all benefit when we engage in the conversation about what works and what doesn’t work. We learn from each other and we learn from our own experience. We really benefit when we do so with respect and tolerance for all paths. Then and only then are we really communicating. This is part of the greater purpose of The Global Conversation as well, the realization that we are all connected and that our behavior has a global impact, sometimes also called “The Butterfly Effect.” Holistic living, then, beneficially impacts us all when we choose to create at every level of beingness. What is it in your life right now that appears to stand in the way of you being your next grandest version of the greatest vision ever you held of who you are? Are you caring for your body, mind, emotions and nurturing your spirit? If not, what could cause you to make a change? What, if anything, can I or the Foundation do to support you in creating a better life? This is one of the many forums for you to express yourself, but you are also welcome to contact us in person, too. CwG has a wonderful coaching staff of dedicated people who have addressed some of life’s greatest challenges using the wisdom of CwG to help. So don’t needlessly suffer. Reach out. Remember the words and first rule from “When Everything Changes Change Everything”: Never go it alone!
I may or may not be able to help you, but you will feel heard. Sometimes that is all that is required. We hear our own wisdom in the confronting of our story, in the seeking of our solutions to the challenges we face. Like overcoming smoking, or any other addiction that you may have struggled with in the past. If you are ready to finally become free, we can help. Please also use this forum to share your experience on how these and other spiritual messages have sponsored change for the better in your life. How do you use the wisdom within to transform your life? Sharing your experience helps everyone and is a great reminder to yourself of what a wonderful gift your life is. Life is a gift. And though sometimes it can be difficult, together we can make a difference, make a change for the better, make this world a better place. Yes, I just said it. And as sappy as it may sound, I really mean it. Don’t take my word for it, though. Try it out for yourself.
You have the wisdom of the ages within; life’s challenges will expose this. What better opportunity is there to know this than to be a light unto the darkness. Darkness is, therefore, a gift. What will you choose, to be the light or to succumb to the darkness? The good news is even if you find yourself stuck in the dark, you can’t live in there forever, for it is simply not who you are. And sooner or later, you will be drawn back into the light. An idea beautifully expressed in a wonderful children’s book called: “The Little Soul in the Sun” written by Neale and available for sale at the Foundation. (Like how I snuck a commercial in here!) Whether or not it feels that way right now, know truth will once again find you and set you free. Having just been through a dark and painful period, I understand this better than ever. I have great compassion for the human process and I am grateful to those who helped me once again find the light. We call them Angels and we are surrounded by them. I am grateful for mine.
When you remember who you really are, also remember you have a gift to give. Then share it freely. There is no better way than to BE it. As Gandhi said: “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”
Finally, thank you to all who sent me notes of well wishes around the loss we experienced of our beloved Patty Hammett and for my new position at the CwG Foundation. Your support is so greatly appreciated! I welcome anyone to reach out for any reason. Please know we are here to serve you. Until then, Blessed Be – JR
(J.R. Westen, D.D. is a Holistic Health & Spiritual Counselor who has worked and presented side-by-side with Neale Donald Walsch for over a decade. He is passionate about helping individuals move beyond their emotional and spiritual challenges, transforming breakdowns into breakthroughs. His counseling and coaching provides practical wisdom and guidance that can be immediately incorporated to shift one’s experience of life. As is true for most impactful teachers, J.R.’s own struggles and triumphs inspired him to find powerful ways of helping others. Sober since June 1, 1986, J.R.’s passion for helping individuals move through intense life challenges drove him to also specialize in Addiction and Grief Recovery. J.R. currently shares his gift of counseling & coaching with individuals from around the world through the Wellness Center, Simply Vibrant, located on Long Island N.Y. In addition, he operates “Change House” a place where people come to transform, he also works with Escondido Sobering Services and now serves as the Administrator and Program Director for the Conversations with God Foundation. He can be contacted at JR@CWG.ORG or JR@theglobalconversation.com, or to book an appointment, write support@simplyvibrant.com.)
Today I am going to share “advice” I realized I had to give to myself.
I recently had minor knee surgery. Minor in and of itself, but the third time on this particular knee, and placing my sweet knee dangerously close to bone on bone. My doctor has cautioned that I must remember that my knee is no longer normal. My physical therapist also advised me to not always walk on the level ground of sidewalks, but to walk on the grass to strengthen the muscles all around the knee better.
So…yesterday I walked around the little lake in our neighborhood. On the area with the most dramatic slope. With the weak knee on the upside of the slope, making it do the power work. And today…I can barely walk! If I move, it feels better, but when I sit for awhile it gets weak again. Sheesh.
I was so proud of myself for how good I was at getting to the point where it didn’t hurt so soon after surgery! But now I realize I was just doing enough…enough to get by, but not enough to challenge and really strengthen the knee.
Then, as I am wont to do, I began to ask myself some questions. Is my body, which is the connection between my soul and my mind, asking me to look at something? Way too quickly came my answer…of course, silly! Is it possible you’ve been taking the easy, level path spiritually? Ummm…I don’t wish to answer that, thank you very much! Have you been letting your fears settle into your body again? Are you moving too fast, or too slow, or even both? OUCH! literally ouch! Could be! Is it time to take the uneven path, and change your mind about some things? Dang it! Stop asking me questions! And, just for the record, self, the answer is…yes!
Dearest Therese, yes, your body is speaking to you, especially if you think it is speaking to you. Be kind to yourself, don’t judge and compare yourself…not even to yourself. Where you are, is where you must be to see where you are going. Give the understanding you give to others, to yourself…you will then be able to share that understanding more wonderfully.
Therese, walk the uneven ground, even though it be fearful and confusing, and brings things into your life you do not understand right now. The uneven ground will strengthen your body…and it will strengthen your spirit. CWG, in “The Only Thing That Matters” says that each time you think you are “there”, you will be given the opportunity to move into an even higher expression of “there”. Don’t make the mistake of thinking this means you are moving backward. It just means, if you are lucky, if you are open and brave, you will always be new at something all of your life!
Therese
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.ChangingChange.net, which offers spiritual assistance from a team of Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less, and offers insight, suggestions, and companionship during moments of unbidden, unexpected, unwelcome change on the journey of life. She may be contacted at Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
I’d like some help clarifying a “revelation” that I recently experienced. Up until a few days ago I would have said I didn’t have much of a possibility to repair ancient wounds in my life, or to repair a friendship that’s dear to me. But something turned me around: the realization that the past cannot be changed and that by dwelling on it one way or the other I was cheating myself of the presents that lay the Here and Now. I also realized I could be patient in the long process of rekindling this friendship, all the while staying confident, peaceful. And this is new to me, because I had a tendency to let my emotions define me. What do you think about this? Thanks in advance for your insight. … Lisa
Dear Lisa… So what happened to turn you around was that you simply changed your thought processes about what had happened, right? Just goes to show that we create our reality at an inner level. To change our reality about anything, all we need to do is change our thinking about it—to look at what happened from a different perspective.
Have you read Neale’s book, When Everything Changes, Change Everything? The Line of Causality/Mechanics of the Mind lays out the lightning-fast thought process we have in our Minds regarding any event, and shows how we move from the event itself to our reality about it. Each of these steps leads to the other:
Event – Data – Truth – Thought – Emotion – Experience – Reality
I’ll try to explain briefly here:
1. An Event happens.
2. We immediately search our brains’ Data for past experience of something similar to that Event, so that we may contextualize it somehow.
3. We have a prior Truth about that Data, which we often project onto the new Event (justifiably or not).
4. That Truth causes a Thought to arise about the Event. This may be a true Thought or not.
5. That Thought causes an Emotion inside us.
6. The Emotion, as you so aptly said, “defines” us and creates our Experience.
7. Our Experience becomes our Reality.
This happens so fast we don’t even know it!
In your case, I think you realized a few days ago that your prior Thought that there wasn’t much of a possibility to repair the wounds or friendship, isn’t true. So now, your process beyond Step 4 is different. Your new Thought that there is a possibility for a happier ending brings forth a new, better-feeling Emotion, which leads to a new Experience of life for you, resulting in a new Reality. Woohoo! Good for you!
Does this make sense? It’s, of course, explained in great detail and depth in Neale’s book, including how we may incorporate the System of the Soul here, but the main point is this:
“Change our Thought, Change our Reality.” Or as the common New Thought expression goes:
“Change your thinking, change your life!”
(Annie Sims is the Global Director of CWG Advanced Programs, is a Conversations With God Coach and author/instructor of the CWG Online School. To connect with Annie, please email her at Annie@TheGlobalConversation.com
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to: Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
Hi, I take your offer and have a question for you:
Since I work hard on me to except everything in my life and I am way more relaxed with whatever life throws at me… the downside is that I don’t have much motivation to achieve things, cause things doesn’t annoy me anymore so there is not much need to do something about it. But I work way under my qualification (I am a social worker and work as a support worker), and I know that I have the skills to do much more, to change things, to make a real difference, but I simply can’t be bothered. That would be okay if I would be happy like this, but I am not and want to live my whole potential. I am stuck in between… have no drive to change things since that is the only thing bothering me….
Does this make sense?
many thanks,
Verena
Yes, Verena, it makes perfect sense. I think the confusion comes in thinking that because you believe life is happening perfectly, you no longer have a reason, or right, to try and change what is happening in your life. I believe that just the opposite is true. Accepting all that is happening does not mean that change can’t or shouldn’t happen. It means that you are no longer giving your energy to the past, and can now give that energy to what is in front of you, that you might be able to change.
You see, once you know everything is perfect, the natural thing is to wish that understanding for everyone. When you see those who are doing harm to themselves, or to you, you should do what you can to move them into an understanding that this is not working for them. Being a social worker puts you right in the middle of doing just that! You can be relaxed and motivated to help at the same time.
Perhaps you are not letting the proper thing motivate you, Verena. Is money your motivator? Or acclaim for what you do? Or is helping others your motivator? As a social worker, I think you just might understand that this life is, ultimately, not about you. Yes, you must take care of yourself and be kind to yourself, and doing that is not being selfish. If you are spiritually healthy, then you are in a better position to give of yourself fully. And when you give of yourself fully, you can give others back to themselves more fully.
The Christian Bible says to be in this world, but not of this world. To me, this does not say to distance yourself from living. To me,it means to look at how you are living from a spiritual perspective…and doing that gives you calmness and motivation. It means to see things as they are, love them and move forward from that love to raise all that you touch to a different level.
Make sure, also, Verena, that you are not using your understanding of spirituality as an excuse to not be motivated. Spirituality does not mean withdrawing from life, it means fully engaging from a very different level of life! It means living to your fullest potential because it gives you joy to simply Be who you really are, and demonstrate who that is. If you are doing this, then you may actually find you have money and accolades, but they will be secondary things.
Lena, you get to decide what you wish to Be in this life. Just the fact that you have written this question tells me that you are questioning what you think you believe about spirituality. Continue questioning…and then decide what makes you feel…just feel. Feel good, feel passionate, joyful…engaged.
If you would like a continuing dialog on this topic, we have Life Coaches on the site who answer questions. (Nova Wightman, Annie Sims, J.R. Westen, and Kevin McCormack), or you could go over to The Changing Change Network, and talk about it with Spiritual Helpers and wonderful peer members.
Therese
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.ChangingChange.net, which offers spiritual assistance from a team of Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less, and offers insight, suggestions, and companionship during moments of unbidden, unexpected, unwelcome change on the journey of life. She may be contacted at Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
A good friend of mine is going through some major changes in her life – angry separation from family, decrease in career/income, and her gentleman friend called and told her he’d found someone new.
She’s in a panic and turning to me and another good friend for support. I offered her the WECCE book, which she started to read and then put down. At this time she’s in no mood to hear that these changes may be for her own good and/or that she created them.
I want to support her, but am unsure what to say to her or do for her. I cannot in honesty say “poor dear”, because I DO believe WECCE (it’s worked in my life many times). I can agree with her that it’s a frightening and sad time for her, but she’s not ready to hear that the choice not to be frightened and sad has to come from within herself.
I’ve told her that I know (from experience) that there’s really nothing I can say to make her feel better, that’s a decision she must make for herself. But that I will support her totally in her choices to create the life she really wants, and that I love her.
At one point in WECCE Neil says to stay with a feeling until it no longer serves you. Maybe that’s what she’s doing – staying with the saddness, anger and fear until it no longer serves? Then when she asks for help, what does a friend say?
Thanks, K
Dear K,
You have given her the book, and when/if it is time for her to read it, she will. How lucky she is to have a friend like you who cares enough to not just talk, but to give tools!
There is nothing wrong, by the way, with saying, “poor dear” to her at this point in her changes, K. This human experience is all too real and all too painful, more so for some than others. Saying “poor dear” now, does not mean that you must continue to do so, which would, of course, be enabling her to not even consider changing her mind about what is going on. So, yes, for now she must experience sadness, anger and fear until it no longer serves her…but, of course, everything does eventually serve.
The mistake that your friend may be making, regarding the “she created them” statements in the book, is forgetting that we are co-creators…and even then we are co-creating on a Soul level, and for a Soul purpose! We most often have no direct control over the total picture, because we are rarely alone in that picture! However, and this is the big “however”, we do have control over our own reactions to the events of our lives. The big lie, if you will, is that we can not consciously control who we are, in any given situation. WECCE, as you know, gives us tools on how to do just that. It gives us tools to overcome past data and become conscious co-creators and not victims. The biggest example I give is Nelson Mandella. He was in prison for many years, unjustly, and yet he knew that this was just his external circumstance, and that it had nothing to do with who he really is. The same can be said of Jesus, or Ghandi, and many others. There were surely people in that same prison with Mandella, imprisoned falsely, who thought of themselves as victims. The two thieves on the cross with Jesus…one found gratitude and love, the other stayed in victimhood. They each made a choice.
You might consider, when you are around your friend, and she is negative and in victim mode, asking her gentle questions and gently pointing out different ways of looking at things. For instance, when she points out how horrible her boyfriend is, you might ask her if it isn’t a good thing that he isn’t lying to her any more so she can move on with her life in truth…or if it isn’t a good thing that she isn’t taking any more risk of disease. I am sure you get where I am going. There is always a positive side, if one is willing to change their mind.
Of course, if the negativity continues, it may come to the point you refer to above, and you simply have to say, “I can see that you are hurting, but I can also see that none of the things that I have said mean anything to you right now. I would like you to find the help and support you require, but it is clearly not coming from me right now. I love you, and will be here when you think I can really be of help to you, but I can’t just sit here and let you live in misery and enable you to do so.”
I would encourage you to encourage her to look at what fear (panic) is doing to her, and see that it doesn’t really serve her in the way she might think it is serving her. Those are emotions that only cause us to stay in place, whilst looking backward with longing…but she can change her mind about her future!
Thank you for coming here, and thank you for being a good friend, K!
Therese
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.ChangingChange.net, which offers spiritual assistance from a team of Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less, and offers insight, suggestions, and companionship during moments of unbidden, unexpected, unwelcome change on the journey of life. She may be contacted at Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
many many things……………. make me unhappy!!
nine years ago, my son would born, then I took a taxi to hosipital, because my husband hadn’t car, but my father had at that moment. When my son had been borned, my father and my brother hadn’t came to hosipital to visit me. My brother might be couldn’t come because the visit time just 1:00pm to 4:00pm, he needed to work, but my father hadn’t come just he didn’t want to go to hosipital. He visited my son and I since I came back to my house. but now my brother’s daughter borned, he drove his car to go to hosipital for them, he had come to hosipital to visit them, also he always to help them, my father and mother treat his wife well, everything homour my brother and her, they love their daughter so much, they don’t like my son because they think he is a naughty boy. They always altercation to my son when we go to their house everytime. They also don’t like my husband, because he haven’t make them happy, give anything to them, money…..etc. I said that just a little bit , In additon, many many things……, I can’t tell you one time…..may be you think I always compare with anothers special my brother. Yes, I think so , but I can’t accept my parents not fair to me.
Unhappy …………….
Dear Unhappy,
HAPPY NEW YEAR! What a great day to have this question, since this is a day we consciously decide to change…and I have some suggestions on how to do that!
I would invite you to read the book, “When Everything Changes, Change Everything” (WECCE). This book is all about how to deal with Change in your life, and how past data (our past experiences among other things), creates how we think and feel today. Unhappy, the nine Changes discussed there guide us into understanding that we always have a choice as to how we feel in any situation…no one makes us unhappy, we allow our unhappiness. We all have the choice to be happy by changing our minds about what makes us unhappy.
Life is all in how we look at it, Unhappy. Could it be that not having your family in your sons life is a good thing that you just do not see at this moment? Most of life is quite unseen except when looking back at it, but that backward look can be taken immediately after the event or thought…it does not have to take years.
You talk about things not being fair. Unhappy, I believe life is always fair. It is how we judge things that make things look unfair. Consider changing your mind about this as well. For instance, your niece has the attention of your family, but because of this you have been given the opportunity to look into yourself and see what is really important instead of only looking at the outside of things. you have been given the opportunity to forgive yourself and others. you have been given the opportunity for compassion. You have been given the time to be with your son and husband more.
And you have been given the opportunity to choose a different way of being a parent to your child.
A huge part of changing your mind about things that have happened is Gratitude for all that has happened…and for all that is currently in your life. Without things that seem to go “wrong”, we can never understand and appreciate things when they go “right”. When we are fearful and without gratitude, even for the things that seem awful, we stay in the feeling of “awful”, and are not capable of moving into feeling “joyful”. CWG contends that each moment of our life is an opportunity to demonstrate who we are…life is not full of challenges, it is full of opportunities!
Which means that we must practice changing our minds. It doesn’t usually happen overnight, because our past data is our life…but it can be done with grace and Love. Take moments every day to just look at what you feel is working in your life, and notice what it feels like in your body. (This is a small meditation, BTW.) That is the feeling you are looking for…and you will have created it all by yourself!
Sit and just say, “I am Grateful for Life” and feel it, and enjoy the feeling. When you know what this feeling is, you will recognize when something does not feel “Grateful”, because your body will not feel the same easy feeling. For instance, when you say “Life is unfair to me.” I’ll bet you have tightness in your chest, maybe a lump in your throat, and gut, and more. Now say, “I am Grateful for Life.” I’ll bet you can notice the difference in the feelings! When you notice the difference do you know what you have done? You have just created a Change! and you can do this with everything in your life. You will naturally wish to have this feeling and create it more and more!
I hope you read the book, Unhappy, and go to the website at www.changingchange.net for a continuing discussion with our community there.
Therese
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.ChangingChange.net, which offers spiritual assistance from a team of Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less, and offers insight, suggestions, and companionship during moments of unbidden, unexpected, unwelcome change on the journey of life. She may be contacted at Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
My advice on this Christmas Day is this:
Be kind to yourself. Let this kindness be the basis from which you experience this day.
I say this because Christmas is such a difficult day for so many…but it doesn’t have to forever be the day that childhood and youthful buttons get pushed. Create a new “button”. Create the button of understanding. Even if an action or deed from the past, done by you or by another, was anything but welcome or kind, work on thinking about it from a different space.
That space would be understanding. From the space of understanding it may be easier to see the hurt child hiding behind the hurtful behavior. From that space we might be able to understand that “they know not what they do.” And from that space you may also be able to begin to understand yourself…and show yourself kindness.
Who knows what miracles can happen if we move, as a global community, into the space of understanding…perhaps, just perhaps, we would be able to move into what the birth of the child, Jesus, is supposed to symbolize…Peace on Earth, goodwill towards men (and women).
Therese
Dear Therese, “Conversations With God” book 1, resonated so strongly with me that I naturally moved into reading more. The way I look at things has, obviously, changed, and I make frequent references to the words in the books. I am thinking of starting a study group, because I find myself talking to people about my newfound (remembered 🙂 ) way of thinking a lot anyway. My problem is this. My family thinks I am falling into the grasp of a cult! How do I convince them I am not?
~Not Sleeping Anymore in Seattle
Dear Not,
I can definitely identify with your question! I have the same thing happening to me, and this is how I am addressing it. First, I am not getting upset. I thank the person for caring enough about me to worry, and I assure them I am not doing anything against my will. In my case, the information is being gotten from bloggers on the internet, and no one has read (at least they haven’t admitted to!) any of the books. I ask them to read the books, not because I have any desire to force them to believe something, but so that they can have a true reference as to what I believe, and have an informed opinion based on more than just one source.
Then I let them express their concerns…cult, mind control, new religion, why volunteer my time and not get paid, and more. After they get all of that out, I point out my reality:
I rarely speak to any other in the CWG organization, even though I am the admin of one of Neale’s sites.
There is not a single place on earth, (that I know of, and for sure not around me!) called “The Church of Conversations With God”,
That as a stay at home mother I learned that I didn’t have to get paid to know my value and contribute what my skills are freely, etc
Every CWG book clearly states that one should never accept anything said in them as truth unless it resonates as their own truth. CWG clearly says it is another way, not the only way.
I then share what CWG has given to me.
Primary to what CWG has given to me is the understanding of who I am, and what I have to offer to other people. I point out that I was always helpful, and that CWG has merely helped me find focus for the helpfulness. I happen to have a part in the CWG world at this moment, but should I choose in the future to walk away from my role in The Changing Change Network, the way I move through life will still be the same. The reason it will still be the same is very simple…because it is now my choice. I am now choosing what I believe, not what someone else has told me to believe. I have experienced more than one way, and I am choosing, eyes wide open, this way.
What might also be helpful to you is another thing I do. I send them Neale’s own words, like those that have been appearing in this space lately! If people believe Neale is saying one thing, and I can example concretely that he is not saying that thing, and, in fact, is saying the opposite, I share. I send as “FYI only”.
I hope some of my experience helps you, Not. I don’t think it is our job to “convert” our families to our way of thinking, even if they do think we might be getting into a cult. What is our job is to know who we are, and live and example our truth. If those who around us are going to change, it is going to be because they chose to, not because we force them to.
If you would like more of a discussion on this, or any other subject, consider going to www.changingchange.net . We have a staff of volunteers just waiting to share their understanding of CWG/WECCE, and how to apply it in practical ways to our everyday lives.
Therese
(Therese Wilson is a published poet, and is the administrator of the global website at www.ChangingChange.net, which offers spiritual assistance from a team of Spiritual Helpers responding to every post from readers within 24 hours or less, and offers insight, suggestions, and companionship during moments of unbidden, unexpected, unwelcome change on the journey of life. She may be contacted at Therese@TheGlobalConversation.com.)
(If you would like a question considered for publication, please submit your request to Advice@TheGlobalConversation.com, where our team is waiting to hear from you.)
